Sadly, men lose their marriages every day by holding on so tightly that they choke the life out of it.

The reason often sounds noble: “I have kids. I won’t let this family fall apart!”

I was once that man. I thought fighting harder for my marriage was how I could avoid divorce.

But there’s a big difference between standing strong for your marriage while knowing you’ll be okay no matter what, versus trying to control the outcome because you’re terrified of failure.

Here’s how a man named Ben realized he needed to stop his old ways of behaving if he was to save his marriage.

Ben’s Darkest Night Of His Life

Ben pulled into his driveway late on a Friday evening.

Another long day at the office was over.

Through the kitchen window, he could see his wife, Tammy, scrolling on her phone at the table.

Ben sat in his truck a little longer than usual.

The silence before walking into the house felt nice.

They had five kids.

There always seemed to be a squabble or something to settle when Ben got home.

He would do anything for them, though.

Picking up extra shifts at work was a sacrifice he gladly made.

The long days with the kids took their toll on Tammy.

For the last few weeks, she had been too tired for sex or even a meaningful conversation.

What bothered Ben was that she never seemed too tired to go out with her friends on the weekends

Even a phone call from her good friend Samantha lit her up.

Ben wanted her to have that same excitement when he got home

He walked into the house, stepping over crayons and Cheerios on the floor.

“Hey,” he said.

Tammy shrugged, hardly noticing he was there.

Ben sat at the table, scooped some cold casserole from the dish, and started eating.

Tammy looked up from her phone.

“Ben, there’s something I need to tell you.”

Her voice sounded hurt.

“I’ve realized lately that I love you, but I’m not in love with you. I think we need to start looking at what separation would look like.”

The words hit Ben like a gunshot to the chest.

His stomach turned. His mind raced.

“What do you mean?” he said

“I know we haven’t been doing great, but every couple has ups and downs… And what about the kid??”

Tammy was quiet.

Ben tried to change her mind.

“Listen, Tammy, I sacrifice for this family every day. That’s what good parents do. We’ve been together for 15 years. We’ve invested so much in this family. I won’t let it fall apart!”

A tear slid down Tammy’s cheek.

“Ben, Samantha is picking me up in 30 minutes. We’re going to have a girls’ night out. I just need some space.”

Ben criticized her plan.

“You know I’ve never liked that lady. I think her views about marriage have rubbed off on you. I don’t like how much time you spend with her!”

Nothing Ben said changed Tammy’s mind.

That night was the hardest night of Ben’s life.

But he resolved that no matter what, he would keep his family together.

Why It’s Not Really About The Kids

The biggest mistake Ben made at this point was trying to talk Tammy out of her feelings.

Simply being present with Tammy’s feelings was something Ben had been avoiding for years.

As a recovering workaholic, I know how easy it is for a man to find a sense of purpose by shutting off his brain and sacrificing himself for his family.

• He gets tired of trying to make sense of his wife’s emotions
• He wants his kids to never have the hard childhood he did
• He assumes sacrificing his happiness for his wife’s is what a good husband should do

We men do this because it gives us a sense of purpose.

Our wife and kids literally become our reason for living.

But along the way, we become a shell of ourselves.

A corpse going through the motions.

Our wife and kids don’t feel a connection with us.

Your wife needs certain things just as much as a man needs respect and physical intimacy.

• She needs to feel understood
• She needs to feel celebrated for who she is
• When her emotions are all over the place, she needs to feel your grounded leadership

When those needs go unmet for too long, her heart closes.

She searches every fiber of her heart, trying to find the desire she once had for you, and comes up empty.

So when you tell her, “We need to stick it out for the kids,” it can sound like a death sentence.

It’s not much different from how a man would feel if he were told he had to spend the rest of his life trapped in a sexless marriage.

Reminding her of everything she stands to lose only piles more guilt and shame on top of what she’s already feeling.

No marriage is saved by amplifying guilt and shame.

When Tammy told Ben she was no longer in love with him, Ben went straight to criticizing her friend.

Criticism doesn’t save a marriage either.

We men have to face a truth we’ve been avoiding:

Becoming a walking corpse for your family through endless sacrifice rots the connection you’re trying so hard to protect.

No girl dreams of growing up and marrying an emotional zombie.

That’s why, when your wife pulls away, the panic driving you isn’t really about the kids.

It’s about your fear of failure as a father and loss of purpose as a husband.

It’s the terror that all your years of sacrificing could be for nothing.

So who are you REALLY upset with?

When we look in the mirror, we’re not sure we like the man we’ve become.

No wonder she doesn’t like him either!

The fact is, your wife has known for years that you’ve placed her and the kids on a pedestal.

But being placed on a pedestal doesn’t feel like a gift.

It feels like codependency.

Ben’s situation isn’t unusual.

In one discussion on Reddit’s r/Marriage community, a wife described needing space because she needed her husband to become more content within himself rather than depending on her for his happiness.

How To Put Oxygen Into Your Marriage By Ending Codependency

The #1 thing Ben did right was realizing that how he had been behaving in the marriage wasn’t working and needed to stop.

Think of putting your wife and kids on a pedestal like a father buying his son an expensive Christmas gift instead of actually being with him on Christmas morning.

The gift isn’t bad.

But it’s no replacement for real connection.

Your wife has probably been leaving breadcrumbs toward her heart for years, but you missed the cues.

We men can be so damn logical.

We hear the words our wife is saying without hearing the feeling underneath them.

That’s what happens when we’ve been living like a cog on a wheel for too long.

When our years of sacrifice aren’t appreciated, we start viewing the marriage like a scoreboard.

Instead of being present with how she feels, we analyze what she says and try to change her mind so we can feel valued again.

Instead of coming home with a spark in our eye, we come home needing her to be happy so we can believe all our effort has been worth it.

That puts a tremendous weight on her.

You’ll never be able to give your wife the freedom to fully open up if your own sense of well-being is wired to her emotions.

The same is true with your kids.

The codependency has to be broken.

In our Vital Formula To Masculine Confidence Course, we help you rediscover who you are separate from your wife and kids.

We help you reconnect with the part of you that is already clear, okay, happy, and fulfilled

When you stop making your family responsible for your sense of purpose and well-being, it takes a huge weight off the relationship.

Like we always say, you have to put your own oxygen mask on first before you can help anyone else.

Ben’s Marriage Got Worse Before It Got Better

Almost four weeks had passed since the dreaded night when Ben’s wife, Tammy, said, “I love you, but I’m not in love with you.”

Since then, Tammy had been sleeping in the spare room.

After spending the first few days begging and pleading, Ben realized he wasn’t making any progress.

So he pulled out all the stops.

He bought her favorite flowers, took her to her favorite restaurant, and played her favorite songs on the drive.

After dinner, he took her to the place where they’d had their first kiss.

Then he leaned in to kiss her.

“Stop!” Tammy said, turning her cheek away from Ben’s lips.

“I already told you I’m not in love with you anymore, Ben.”

Ben was frustrated.

He had tried so hard to make Tammy happy that night, and she wasn’t enjoying any of it.

They drove home in silence.

As they pulled into the driveway, Tammy finally spoke.

“I think we need to talk about the next steps for a separation.”

Through the window, they could see the babysitter trying to wash their youngest child’s face.

Ben’s heart sank.

“What about our kids?” Ben said. “I won’t let this family fall apart!”

“This just isn’t working for me,” Tammy replied.

“You’ll find someone better for you. I know you will.”

Ben couldn’t believe what he was hearing.

His gut was in a knot; he felt as if he would be sick.

Why Fighting For The Marriage Made Ben’s Marriage Worse

There is a season when fighting for a relationship is attractive.

By the time your wife wants out, that season is usually over.

Now you’re fighting for something she’s telling you she doesn’t want.

It’s human nature to resist something that feels forced on us.

If you’ve ever tried to push a milk cow into a stanchion, you know exactly what I mean!

Grab a bucket of grain and let her follow you in, and suddenly nobody has to fight.

Your marriage isn’t much different.

The more Ben used the kids as a reason she had to stay, the more pressure Tammy felt.

Emotional pressure doesn’t open a woman’s heart, It closes it.

Once your wife’s heart closes, she can feel like an ice queen.

How To Soften Your Wife’s Heart When She Has One Foot Out The Door

When your marriage is on the rocks, you have to ignore almost everything your feelings are screaming at you to do.

Seriously.

Trying to save a marriage is one of the most paradoxical seasons you’ll ever go through.

Many of the things you feel like saying and doing will actually push your wife further away:

• Writing the letter of all letters declaring your undying love
• Having long talks about why the relationship can still be saved
• Trying to hug or kiss her when she’s pulling away
• Bringing up romantic memories from the past
• Trying to suddenly become everything she’s ever said she wanted

Countless men have tried these things and watched them fail.

That’s what Ben was slowly realizing.

If you want your wife’s heart to soften, you have to set it free.

Until she feels like she has a choice, you can’t truly be chosen.

Until she has enough space to experience what life feels like without chasing or pressure from you, she can’t genuinely miss you.

Wouldn’t you rather be longed for and chosen than tolerated out of guilt?

Then give your wife the gift of choice.

The feminine dies in a cage.

She needs the freedom to give you her heart of her own free will.

Ben was slowly realizing that he had no control over his wife’s choices. That was the first shift in his thinking towards being more outcome non-dependent.

When a man is outcome non-dependent, he isn’t tense or frantic in the face of uncertainty.

He feels safe and trusting to women.

Things he used to take personally roll off his back, and he’s more playful, positive, and even daring.

Why A Confident Man Gets The Girl

There’s a stage in the Vital Formula To Masculine Confidence Course where you start to feel different.

For the first time in a long time, your shoulders relax.

The knot in your stomach loosens.

It’s like the relief you feel when you realize the keys you’ve been frantically searching for were in your pocket the whole time.

• You stop obsessing over saying and doing all the right things
• You become so clear about who you are that you no longer need to convince, control, or prove anything
• You trust that no matter what other people do, you know how you will respond.

That changes everything

• You no longer need to make your wife trustworthy before you can be okay
• You don’t need to control her behavior to feel secure
• You can love people for who they are while giving them the freedom to be who they are

Funny how magnetic that is.

Over and over, we see confidence get the girl because a confident man is happy, grounded, and emotionally available.

A confident, secure man doesn’t need to argue every point to prove he’s right.

His purpose extends beyond his wife and kids.

From that relaxed place, he can be playful, curious, and present with his wife’s ever-changing emotions instead of being threatened by them.

Ready to become that kind of man?

Ben Started To Build A Life He Loved

Not long after Ben’s wife, Tammy, asked to proceed with a separation,

Ben moved into an apartment.

Each day after work, he stopped by the house to see his kids.

Then he would leave to spend the night alone at his apartment.

This was his routine for most of the summer.

What Tammy didn’t know was that Ben had been spending weekends with his good friend Mark.

Mark had survived a divorce five years earlier and learned a lot from it.

“You’ve got this,” Mark told Ben.

“Before you can lead your marriage, you have to be able to lead yourself.”

Ben didn’t know what he meant by that.

Putting his family first had been his way of life for so long.

But living alone gave him a chance to remember who he was, what he loved, and what really mattered to him.

“You see, Ben,” Mark said one day as they hiked through the woods, “it can seem like a generous gift to sacrifice yourself for your wife and kids, but it won’t feel like a gift when there are strings attached.”

Ben had an “aha!” moment when he realized how selfish it can actually be to always put others first when it comes with the hidden expectation that they should respond in a way that makes you feel good about yourself.

From that day forward, he resolved to give from abundance, without needing a specific response in return.

When he got home, he wrote down EXACTLY the kind of man he was:

• I’m patient
• I’m funny
• I’m a lover of nature
• I’m the kind of guy who likes to lend a helping hand

He looked at the list and smiled.

Then he asked himself, “What would THAT guy do today?”

Just like that, his inner wisdom gave him an answer.

He called his dad.

They talked about the good old days and shared some laughs.

Before he knew it, a whole hour had passed.

It was a good afternoon.

Then Ben remembered that he was facing a divorce, and his mood changed.

Suddenly, he understood what his friend Mark meant when he said, “Your thoughts create your feelings.”

Ben chuckled when he noticed how quickly his thoughts could change.

He was even amused by it.

Instead of ruminating on every thought and trying to solve them, Ben could simply notice them and let them pass.

For the first time, his own thoughts didn’t seem so scary.

Ben’s Wife Noticed His Changes

Ben had spent several months working on himself.

His temperament was calmer.

He found a new burger place he enjoyed, and hikes with Mark became the highlight of his weekends.

The powerful transformation in Ben at this stage was that he was actually ENJOYING the life he was creating. And that joy was something Tammy could feel and wanted to be part of.

His values were becoming clearer, and his new masculine frame made him more decisive.

Tammy noticed.

The way Ben played with the kids when he stopped by was different.

Even the tone in his voice when he left sounded more confident.

“I’ve had a long day,” Tammy complained to Ben one evening. “I think our cat might need to go to the vet, and we’re completely out of shampoo.”

The old Ben would have jumped straight into fixing Tammy’s problems.

But Ben’s talks with Mark had paid off.

He knew Tammy didn’t need him to rescue her. She just needed to feel heard.

She was so used to Ben trying to fix her feelings that she could hardly believe he was simply connecting with them.

“Yeah… it is frustrating,” she stammered.

Ben could feel the urge to step in and save her, but he took a deep breath and relaxed.

And something surprising happened.

He felt a stirring of self-respect.

He was staying grounded even though every instinct in him wanted to make Tammy’s discomfort go away.

It was in moments like this that Ben’s masculine energy began to feel magnetic to Tammy.

Over the next few weeks, those little moments kept happening.

Ben stayed relaxed enough to tease her and make her laugh during conversations that used to spiral into drama.

By not taking her little jabs personally, he could remember how much he loved Tammy when she needed it most.

That love changed his attitude.

In response, Tammy started opening up.

One night, she talked to him for nearly an hour before Ben finally looked at the time and told her they could chat more tomorrow since it was his bedtime.

Setting a boundary like this felt good, whereas in the past he used to feel trapped.

Then, one Wednesday evening, Ben was alone at his apartment.

He heard a knock at the door.

It was Tammy.

She had a tear in her eye.

Without saying a word, she hugged him.

They held each other for a long time.

That hug eventually led to them making love.

It was the first time they had been intimate in a little over a year.

Later, as Tammy lay in Ben’s arms, she looked at him and said, “I don’t ever want to lose you.”

Ben was shocked by the sudden change in Tammy.

What Ben did next was totally new.

Ben 2.0 emerged, and this version of him was crystal clear.

“Tammy,” he said, “I’m a man who loves spontaneity. I love walks at sunset. I love being listened to, and I love giving that same understanding to others. I want more adventure, more fun, and more quality time with the kids. That’s the kind of life I want to create. Do you want to create it with me?”

Tammy smiled and nodded.

“Yes, I do.”

“There is one condition,” Ben said.

“Yeah?” Tammy asked.

“Saturday mornings are for Mark and me. We’ve got a lot of hikes planned, and I can’t wait to get farther up the mountain we’ve been exploring!”

Tammy felt relieved.

This was the Ben she had married all those years ago.

“I know I played a part in how our marriage fell apart,” Tammy said.

“I don’t know if I need therapy or counseling, but I want to do whatever it takes to be a great wife and mom.”

Ben was glad to hear Tammy’s commitment.

Going forward wasn’t without its challenges.

It’s been nearly five years since Tammy and Ben came back together.

Tammy tested Ben hard, especially his boundaries about hanging out with Mark.

But the last time I spoke with Ben, he was as strong as ever, and Tammy has grown to respect him more and more.

Why Ben Could Be So F*cking Clear

A chronically self-sacrificing man doesn’t realize how attractive healthy boundaries can be.

When Ben invited Tammy to join the amazing life he was creating, he was also clear about protecting the things that kept him energized.

That’s what a healthy boundary does.

It protects what YOU need to stay alive, grounded, and energized.

He was taking responsibility for what he needed and what he would do about it.

That’s the kind of boundary that doesn’t feel controlling.

In The Vital Formula To Masculine Confidence Course, we help you develop that kind of clarity and set healthy boundaries around what matters to you.

There are small things that fill you up and keep you content even when someone you love is pulling away.

This kind of masculine frame feels like integrity to the people around you because your consistency no longer depends on their responses.

Your generosity feels like a real gift because you don’t need a particular reaction in return.

• You give because you want to give
• You love because you want to love
• You protect the things that keep you connected to yourself

This is the kind of man who can lead himself, lead his relationship, and deepen his connection with the people he cares about.

It’s not easy work. Otherwise, everyone would do it!

But Ben will tell you it’s worth the effort.

And only you can do it for yourself.

Use the link below this video to get on the waiting list for the course!