Long before a woman will get naked with us in bed she needs to feel safe to get naked with us emotionally. This article shares my own experience of losing “oblivious” confidence and then gaining REAL confidence when my wife stopped being intimate. When we’re confident from being oblivious, our wife feels emotionally unsafe which triggers her to be closed off. We can easily slip into jealousy and neediness when we feel her heart withdrawing which only pushes her further away. In the video below, masculinity coach Mark Drezga and I discuss how I was faced with a choice to mature into genuine confidence when I realized marriage is not a guarantee of intimacy.
“Oblivious” Confidence Has An Expiration Date
When I’m coaching guys around session 2 of my masculine confidence framework, there’s a hard dose of reality to swallow: The security we thought marriage gave us never existed.
If we compare marriage to a pond, and lack of intimacy to an alligator, the alligator was there the whole time.
We think pretty highly of ourselves when obliviously basking in the sun by an alligator-filled pond.
We’ll issue commands, dismiss her feelings, and insist that her hesitation to be intimate near the alligator pond is completely unreasonable
When we’re “obviously” confident, we’re not aware of the “alligators” were inviting to bite each time we lash out, “fix” or abandon our wife’s emotional world.
But hey, we didn’t know what we didn’t know…
Eventually, the clock runs out, alligators crawl out of the water, and we’re faced with reality that intimacy is gone.
When I teach guys how I gained REAL confidence when my wife stopped being intimate, I’m teaching CONSCIOUS, confidence.
Conscious, REAL Confidence Is Only Born Through Suffering
I grew up in a very conservative Mennonite (Form of Amish) church with a 0% divorce rate.
We were a private community completely separate from society.
We didn’t have TVs or radios and we were only permitted to marry within the Mennonite community.
Courtship was practiced instead of dating (think of courting akin to only dating someone you’ve already decided you will marry).
My happy, self-assured, cocky-self crumbled when I first asked a girl for courtship and she refused my offer.
This was a point where I could have developed conscious confidence, but I didn’t.
With my mojo in the toilet, I repressed into victimhood.
Needless to say, I attracted zero lovers for several years.
Eventually, I got enough spark back that it caught my future wife’s eye.
Since divorce was unheard of in ultra-conservative Mennonite churches nationwide, the thought never crossed my mind that I could be divorced.
Fast forward 10 years later.
My wife and I were no longer part of the Mennonite community.
I found myself holding divorce papers that I didn’t want to sign.
My suffering this time was rock bottom for me.
It’s only from this place of deflated ego and clarity of reality that “conscious” confidence Is born.
How I Gained REAL Confidence
The way I developed conscious, REAL confidence was by spending time around men who already had what I wanted while continuing to FACE my pain.
Every time I had a victim mindset or a resentful rant these men would challenge me, call me out on my BS, and show me the love and acceptance I had been chasing women for.
In time, I learned to face “alligators” knowing they’ve always been there.
I was ok when I obliviously faced them, and I’ll be more than okay when I consciously face them.
Having this type of relaxed, trustable confidence as a leader is the secret to making a marriage work.
At face value, the Mennonites appear to have cracked the code, but their approach brings on a whole other list of issues we’ll discuss another time.
My time as a Mennonite let me see firsthand how when a man leads with confidence, the right woman will follow, and the relationship thrives like it’s supposed to.
How You Can Stop Being Oblivious
My masculine confidence coaching program is your ticket to a better, stronger, more intimate marriage.
The value you’ll gain is a culmination of experienced men who have been in your shoes.
We men tend to hang onto the last shred of our ego before finally reaching out for help.
Don’t wait until all hope is lost to turn your marriage around by taking action for your self-development NOW.
I’m the perfect example of stubbornly holding out to save a dollar only to save nothing.
fill out my “Get Grounded Now” consultation form and I’ll help you get clear on your next step to being the great man you want to be.
Be grounded brother,
Garrett Prettyman
