When your wife says you don’t listen, she’s often reacting less to your listening and more to the way you respond. I’m sure you mean well with your response. But there is a difference between what men and women see as a good response. Often, your response will feel like mansplaining to her. Below, you’ll read two stories about what mansplaining is and how to manage it. The video below gives two additional stories for more insight. Mansplaining is simply offering unsolicited advice or using a demeaning tone with women. Ironically, when men “mansplain” to each other, the results can be positive.
If Your Wife Says You Don’t Listen, You Might Be Mansplaining
“I’m pushing so hard on this screwdriver, my palm is bruised!” Emily complained to her husband Tom.
Tom was unaware that the dishwasher door had been catching the countertop lately.
Emily removed it at least once a day to ensure a tight seal.
Tom glanced at Emily’s hands.
She was using a Phillips screwdriver… to remove a torx bit screw.
“Why are you using a Philips on a torx bit? Tom Asked.
Before she could answer, he said, “You need a T10 bit to remove that screw!”
“I’ve removed this door 20 times, I don’t need you to mansplain to me how it’s done!” Emily replied.
Tom didn’t mean to mansplain.
He thought he was being helpful.
What Tom didn’t realize was that he was offering unsolicited advice.
Emily was just trying to communicate frustration.
Tom could have asked her, “Do you want me to listen or give advice right now?”
Asking her would have shown respect rather than immediately assuming she didn’t know how to use a screwdriver.
When your wife says you don’t listen, she might just be trying to communicate frustration.
And what do you do?
You don’t hear the frustration; you only see the problem.
How Billy “Mansplained” To Denise
Billy was in bed for the night.
His wife, Denise, was in the bedroom folding clothes.
Denise told Billy, “It’s snowing. I’m worried I’ll be late for work in the morning. I’ll leave extra early in case the roads are bad”.
Billy was sleepy, but he managed to mumble, “You’re worried traffic will make you late? You hitting the snooze button is more of a concern.”
Denise seemed a little bothered by this.
But after a moment, she said, “I just feel like work is expecting way too much of me lately. I think it’s time to tell my boss I can’t take on any more projects”.
Billy was more awake now.
He got out of bed to use the master bathroom.
As he walked past Denise, he said, “You’re feeling overloaded at work because your sister was here all week and she didn’t lift a finger to help around the house”.
Denise looked at Billy, “Stop trying to explain my feelings to me, I just need you to listen!”
Billy shook his head and proceeded to the bathroom.
Moments later, he was back in bed when Denise said, “Tada!”
She held up a picture frame.
Earlier that summer, Denise started a side hustle.
She sold custom picture frames on Etsy.
“What’s so special about this picture frame?” Billy asked curiously.
“This one is made of foam, but looks like real wood! I’ll etch grooves in the back with the table saw. That way, the backerboard stays put. Emily replied.
Tom looked at Emily like a 5-year-old had announced she was going to swim across Lake Erie.
With a tone of sarcasm, he said, “You’re only excited because you think using power tools makes you ‘cool” or something. Stand to the side when using the table saw, that thing likes to kick back”.
Denise stomped her foot and cried, “I’m not stupid! Stop mansplaining to me how I feel and how to do stuff!”
What Billy didn’t take into consideration was that Denise had been using the table saw all summer and was quite familiar with it.
Billy’s tone felt demeaning.
Not his words, his tone.
His words weren’t much better though.
Each time Denise told Billy her feelings, Billy invalidated her feelings by saying WHY she had them.
If Your Wife Says You Don’t Listen, Check Your Tone
Men and women communicate differently.
This is old news.
But “different” isn’t necessarily bad..
Mansplaining never serves when directed to women.
Mansplaining CAN benefit when directed to MEN.
So don’t drop the skill altogether!
What women perceive as “mansplaining” is how we men speak to each other all the time.
For us guys, when someone speaks to us as if we know nothing, we take it as a challenge to step up our game.
If you said to your buddy, “I’ll get to work on time despite the snow,” and he replied with, “surrrre you willlll, watch those slick corners,” your friend’s tone of doubt would feel like a CHALLENGE to surpass his expectation.
Not so for women.
To her, your tone of doubt makes her feel like an idiot.
It’s the tone that made her feel that way, not the words themselves.
When you explain WHY she has feelings, she feels like you’ve invalidated her feelings.
Like coals in a fire, she has her own self-doubt and insecurities.
Your tone can blow on those coals, heating them up.
If you offer your wife unsolicited advice, it can feel like you don’t believe in her abilities.
If Your Wife Says You Don’t Listen, Stop Talking
The right thing, spoken at the wrong time, is the wrong thing to say.
If you screamed, “You’re screwed” at an accident, it wouldn’t help.
Take your logical “truth” and observations to the men in your mastermind group.
They can handle your facts without feeling invalidated.
When your wife opens up, she is trying to let you see how she feels.
She isn’t asking you to help her understand why she feels how she does.
She doesn’t even need you to change how she feels.
Show your wife respect by letting her have her own feelings and ideas.
See that your wife is doing the best she can.
Whenever she asks for your logic, give it to her 100%.
Keep unsolicited advice to yourself.
If she tells you her feelings and you really, really, want to point out “why,” you can always say, “Honey, do you want me to listen right now or give my advice?”
She’ll let you know which she needs.
The truth is, men tend to be logically aware, and women tend to be emotionally aware
We can easily feel unheard by the other because of our different perspectives.
Your Next Step To Being A Better Listener
Many men today are uncertain about what it means to be masculine.
Without a masculine framework, core values, boundaries, and decisive leadership, your relationship will lose sexual polarity.
The masculine confidence framework gives you the clarity to show up to any situation with women attractively and confidently.
There are old patterns you operate by that you can’t even see.
When your wife says you don’t listen, she’s mirroring yourself back to you.
What does that mean?
It means there are parts of yourself you are not listening to.
Improving your relationship with yourself always improves your relationships with others.