It’s tempting to tiptoe around topics when your wife is upset. You want to keep the peace, so you try to avoid conflict. Here’s a story illustrating why being indirect and avoiding things creates MORE issues in relationships.
Trying To Keep The Peace Can Backfire
When Bill was a kid, his grandfather (rest his soul) gave him some advice.
The advice was, “If you want to get along with others, don’t ever bring up religion or politics.”
Bill’s 8-year-old brain tucked this advice away.
A few decades later, Bill regularly applied his grandfather’s advice in his marriage.
He and his wife, Christy, had opposite political views.
His grandfather’s advice certainly helped keep the peace with Christy… until it didn’t!
One evening, during an election year, Christy’s Facebook feed was flooded with dicey political topics.
As she read through her feed, she got really worked up.
She turned to Bill and said, “Anyone who votes for the other party is no friend of mine.”
She looked at Bill, waiting for him to agree.
Bill was silent.
“Wait,” she said.
“You wouldn’t vote for THAT party, would you?” she asked.
Bill felt cornered, knowing he would vote for the candidate she disapproved of.
He could say otherwise and lie, but that went against his morals.
Or he could tell her the truth, but that would make him “no friend of hers.”
He chose to say nothing.
Christy didn’t buy it.
“You WOULD vote for them, wouldn’t you??” she demanded.
Bill was busted.
His wife was upset.
Even though his mouth was closed, she could read his face.
A huge argument ensued.
Christy insisted that she would not respect anyone who voted for the opposing party, and they could not remain in her life.
They both went to bed frustrated that night.
Bill feared his marriage might be in jeopardy, and rightly so!
Knowing how to manage “dammed if I do, dammed if I don’t” situations is a critical skill for marriage to work.
What To Say When Your Wife Is Upset
Speaking up in itself isn’t the answer.
Neither is keeping secrets, hoping not to rock the boat.
It’s HOW we speak up and HOW we listen that does all the talking.
The advice Bill’s grandpa gave only addressed the 1st level of managing conflicting views.
There is a 2nd level that can be reached with your wife by using a skill I call “finding the shared value”.
For example, let’s say your wife is upset because she wants to build a career.
You are adamant that she should be a homemaker.
Even if you say nothing, she will feel your displeasure in your tone and demeanor whenever she pursues her career.
Most of her reactions towards you will grow and worsen over time because she can sense that you don’t have her back.
On the flip side, if you voice your opinions about her career, a stalemate will likely ensue since you would be leading her to a level 1 conversation.
You can initiate a level 2 conversation by steering the discussion towards the values influencing her perspective.
Perhaps, in this case, she values financial stability or giving the kids a good life.
These might be values you have to!
In a level 1 conversation, you would be arguing about surface-level issues that seem to oppose themselves.
In a level 2 conversation, you would both feel closer and in harmony since you’re talking about values you both share.
When a confident husband knows how to positively lead
level 2 conversations, his wife will many times follow
his leadership into the amazing marriage he envisions.
Once you become confident and skillful at level 2 conversations, you will intuitively know what to say when your wife is upset.
How To Lead Deeper, More Connecting Conversations
The biggest thing I see preventing men from leading deeper (level 2) conversations with their wives is taking conflict personally.
If you get flustered when your wife is upset, you can’t lead a deeper conversation with her.
I teach you how to find values and how to face conflict in my masculine confidence framework
Many of my clients have seen their wives demeanor change when they improved their masculine confidence and started taking the lead!
My framework best helps the man who…
- Has been avoiding conflict and his wife’s moods
- Puts women on a pedestal
- Seeks validation from women (especially through sex)
- Has been letting his wife wear the pants in the relationship
- Struggles to set boundaries
- Can’t calm his sex drive without chasing sex or porn
- Feels defeated or gets mopey if his wife rejects him
- Has been walking on eggshells around his wife
Does this describe you?