If you’ve been in a sexless marriage for a few months, you probably feel tremendous frustration. If it’s been years since you last made love with your wife, you probably feel like a used rag flushed down the toilet. Trying to explain to your wife the importance of sex only makes her shut down. There is a new way to approach sexless marriage to give it the best chance for success. But there are also 4 signs that she won’t change.
What A Sexless Marriage Does To A Man
A man who is not engaging in physical intimacy loses a part of his heart.
Over time, his heart gets harder and harder.
He’ll have less patience, less concern for others, and less empathy.
Even the most stone-cold, brutal man can be melted by a loving woman’s touch.
It’s like magic.
Her affection draws out his care and desire to emotionally connect.
It’s easy to blame your wife for how you feel.
Without sex, your wife’s presence will feel annoying.
Like she’s a vacuum to your energy.
The almost cruel irony is that women don’t feel a desire for sexual intimacy with a man who is annoyed by her!
Welcome to the sexless marriage, where a standoff occurs, each waiting for the other to give them what they need.
Women are often the first to give in.
She’ll compromise by having “obligation sex”.
Obligation sex isn’t the satisfying, intimate sex the man wants, so the problem only worsens.
She blames him for not being deeply connected to her, and he blames her for not being sexually passionate.
She grows to resent herself for engaging in obligation sex, and takes that off the table too.
How To Bring Passion Back To A Sexless Marriage
The man has to go first to bring passion back to a sexless marriage.
He has to behave with the same empathy, care, and love he would naturally give if he was getting sex.
Why does the man have to go first?
Because masculine is a leader.
Leaders go first.
But let’s say you’ve already become this man.
You are offering emotional connection, safety, and trust in the relationship with no strings attached.
Here are 4 signs she won’t change:
1. Despite being non-defensive about your intentions, she’s constantly criticizing them
2. Even though you’ve been showing her appreciation, she’s full of contempt and holds you in low regard
3. You’re taking responsibility for your wrongs, but she is always defensive and blames you for how she feels
4. You’ve learned how to manage your reactions and set a calm, safe tone, but she still stone-walls and gives the silent treatment.
I didn’t make these 4 signs up to know if your sexless marriage is doomed.
The Gottman Research Institution calls these 4 signs, “The 4 Horsman,” signifying the end of a marriage.
You cannot talk your way out of something you behaved yourself into.
- Non-defensiveness
- Responsiveness
- Emotional calm
- High regard for her struggles
Those are all ATTITUDES, not declarations or conversations.
You’ll never know if you gave your sexless marriage its best shot to thrive until you master these behaviors.
Don’t expect the “new you” to immediately make her want to have sex with you.
These things take time.
Your marriage lost it’s sexual polarity slowly; it can only come back slowly.
A rough rule of thumb for marriage recovery is at least one month for each year you’ve been together.
After that, if she’s still exhibiting the 4 signs above, she may never change.
Sexual affection is a fragile thing in the female world.
Keep in mind, there are also hormonal and physical issues your wife may be struggling with.
Read my post on peri-menopause as an example.
The “success gauge” to focus on is this: Are you showing up as the man you want to be, and have you been doing it for an extended period of time despite being in a sexless marriage?
If You’re In A Sexless Marriage, Do This Next
What it means to be “masculine” in relationships is very blurred in our Western society.
Getting crystal clear on the kind of man you need to be in your relationship is essential to knowing if you gave your marriage the best chance for survival.
The only time a man can make permanent growth in his confidence and self-reliance to happiness is during a season of zero feminine support.
A sexless marriage is painful, but you can use this time to your advantage.