Reading this will explain why some marriages can be turned around and some cannot. The man you must become to save your marriage is the man you need to be regardless. Being in a sexless marriage amplifies our shortcomings giving us a clear picture of where we could use self-improvement.
Sexless Marriage – 4 Signs She Won’t Change
What A Sexless Marriage Reveals In A Man
When a man is not engaging in physical intimacy, a part of his heart gets harder to access.
Even the most stone-cold, brutal man can be melted by a loving woman’s touch.
It’s like magic.
Her affection draws out his care and desire to emotionally connect.
Take her magical touch away, and we end up with a man who finds it harder and harder to feel any depth of connection with his partner.
Her presence starts feeling like a negative, annoying vacuum in his life.
The almost cruel irony is women don’t feel a desire for sexual intimacy unless she feels a strong connection, and men don’t feel a strong connection unless he’s having sexual intimacy.
This is the stalemate most marriages wrestle with.
The typical compromise is the wife offers, “obligation sex”.
Obligation sex isn’t the satisfying, intimate sex the man wants, so the problem only worsens.
She blames him for not being deeply connected to her and he blames her for not being sexually passionate.
Some marriages do get turned around and the wife regains her desire for intimate sex with her husband again!
Some marriages never recover after sex leaves the scene.
Here are 4 signs she won’t change:
1. Despite being non-defensive about your intentions, she’s constantly criticizing them
2. Even though you’ve been showing her appreciation, she’s full of contempt and holds you in low regard
3. You’re taking responsibility for your wrongs, but she is always defensive and blames you for how she feels
4. You’ve learned how to manage your reactions and set a calm safe tone but she still stone-walls and gives the silent treatment For full disclosure, I didn’t make these 4 signs up.The Gottman research institution calls these 4 signs, “The 4 Horsman” signifying the end of a marriage.Â
We cannot talk our way out of something we behaved ourselves into.
BEING a non-defensive, responsible, emotionally calm man who holds his wife in high regard is a vibe to confront these 4 signs with, not a conversation.
Don’t expect the “new you” to immediately make her want to have sex with you.
These things take time.
A rough rule of thumb for marriage recovery is at least one month for each year you’ve been together.
If after that, she’s still exhibiting the 4 signs above, she may never change.
Sexual affection is a fragile thing in the female world.
Keep in mind there are also hormonal and physical issues you’re wife may be struggling with.
The “success gauge” to focus on is this: Are you showing up as the man you want to be and have you been doing it for an extended period of time despite being in a sexless marriage?
What To Do Next
What it means to be “masculine” in relationships is very blurred in our Western society.
Getting crystal clear on the kind of man you need to be in your relationship is essential to knowing if you gave your marriage the best chance for survival.
The cost to join this course will be the best money you’ve ever invested in your family, I guarantee it.
Click HEREto secure your spot.The pain of being in a sexless marriage will be for nothing if we don’t use that pain to make our future better.The comadiary and support of the men in my groups can’t be found anywhere else.Join today and start gaining the benefits of connecting with men who have already walked your path.
Secret# 6: Sex Isn’t A Gauge For Marriage Repair. This is part six in my series of 6 dangerously effective marriage-saving secrets. I help extraordinary men create long-lasting love, deeper connection, intimacy, respect, and authentic affection through personalized masculine confidence coaching. These secrets are field-tested. They’ll bring lasting positive change in your relationships.
If sex isn’t a gauge for marriage repair, then what is? Toward the end of this article, I’ll give five goals to measure marriage progress. First, I’ll share some common dynamics I see men do (myself included) when trying to determine the health of a relationship.
Why Sex Isn’t A Gauge For Marriage Repair
How Relationships Tend To Start
Nick and Christine met during the spring.
Nick’s sense of humor and carefree energy were enticing for Christine.
Christine’s strong will and enthusiasm for life were refreshing for Nick.
Banter was easy.
Fun, playful teasing bounced between them constantly.
Their teasing and joking moved to deeper connection within a few weeks.
By fall, small spats and satire between them would quickly turn into tussles under the sheets and fun, wild sex.
Their relationship had slowly grown over the months.
This didn’t feel like a casual encounter for Nick.
He wanted to commit to Christine for the long haul.
Nick and Christine:
Married and bought a house.
Got a dog, chickens, and a duck
Dedicated themselves to their careers to fund their dreams
Enjoyed domestic life together
Delighted in intimate sex regularly
As the years went by, Christine no longer responded as positively to Nick’s sarcasm or witty comments.
His teasing that used to get her all hot and bothered now seemed to annoy and frustrate her.
Tonight, Nick was hoping he could get her aroused.
Christine was laid back in bed, playing a game on her phone when she glanced up and said “Don’t do that. Is sex all you think about?â€.
Andrew was lying next to her and had just scooted up to spoon.
His lips were still pressed to her neck where he had given her a soft kiss.
“Well, we’ve only had sex like four times this summerâ€, Nick Complained.
Christine countered back, “I need some emotional foreplay before I can feel turned onâ€.
“Emotional foreplayâ€â€¦ This was a term Nick heard from Christine many times over the last few years.
It sounded like BS as far as he was concerned.
Andrew felt sure the only problem in their relationship was the lack of sex.
Did they need to be more intentional and put sex on the calendar?
Did Christine need to go to therapy so she could feel desire again?
Going long periods without sex felt lonely for Nick.
More sexual intimacy seemed like the perfect fix for their problems!
Nick had been complaining about this to Christine for over a year.
He felt like she was ruining their marriage by keeping her legs closed.
Why Sex Isn’t A Gauge To Marriage Repair
Sex does not determine if your marriage is improving because sex is only one of four layers of intimacy.
Many men are more focused on regaining sex with their partner than on dealing with underlying issues.
There’s a logical reason for this: Sex opens a man’s heart.
Living from an open heart feels good!
In contrast, a woman’s heart is opened by her man’s heart, not sex.
The leadership of initiating an open heart within yourself (even in the absence of sex) is necessary for intimacy in long-term relationships.
The reason is simple: her body can’t “turn on†unless her heart is opened by your heart.
Do Women Stop Liking Sex Later In Relationships?
A woman’s desire for sex vs liking sex with you isn’t one and the same for her.
Husbands worldwide have been shocked to find out their wife was having an affair when he thought she had lost her sex drive years ago.
Many times, we men assume what turned our wife on in the past still should.
We mistakenly equate her turning down our sexual advances as her not desiring it.
What we need to know is women are an extension of mother nature.
She births change into this life.
She is constantly leaving one season and moving into another.
In short, your masculine energy in a relationship needs to provide your wife with space to be who she is right now (without taking it personally).
A man who can enjoy where his wife is right now exudes an attractive energy.
You can lead her to depths she can’t get to on her own when you’re able to connect with her mentally, emotionally, and spiritually in the present moment.
If Sex Isn’t A Gauge For Marriage Repair, What Is?
Here are 5 goals to gauge your marriage progress by:
Consistently live up to your standards and boundaries for yourself (and feel good about it)
Let her moods (and your triggers) wash over you without feeling a need to do anything with them
Choose a mindset of high regard whenever she doesn’t make sense
Notice that “she’s being nicer and responding to me more sweetly†is not on the list.
Females only show their rough emotions to those they WANT to trust and respect.
In all honesty, Women tend to keep the full entre of their emotions hidden from you in the early stages of a relationship (Even she struggles to see what’s attractive about the storms inside her).
If your wife of many years is suddenly opening Pandora’s box of emotion with you, get happy!
She’s wanting to feel safe with you again.
She’s testing to make sure you’re solid.
How You Can Address Underlying Issues Preventing Sex Right Now
There isn’t enough space in these articles to give you what you need.
Even if I tried, a blog post isn’t the same as someone actively engaging with you.
If you’ve been feeding off the tip of the “marriage help†iceberg I want to challenge you to go all in.
The work of becoming the man you want to be is a deep dive.
It’s intense.
As your mentor, I will notice and challenge your weak spots so you can improve.
It’s like boot camp where you might question if you can keep going.
Fill out my contact form if you would like a personal consultation about being mentored.
This could be the best thing you’ve ever done for your relationship and family.
Nick Came To Understand That Sex Isn’t A Gauge For Marriage Repair
Nick’s story is one of hope.
He learned happiness comes from within you, not from others.
He joined a group of men who were intentional about being more loving, confident, emotionally skilled husbands.
These men helped Nick understand that “no†for sex was an invitation to meet Christine where she was.
He learned to lead emotional, mental, and spiritual intimacy with her by learning how to lead it in himself.
These experiences softened Christine.
She wanted to melt into physical intimacy with Nick again.
Although Nick enjoyed having more sex in his marriage, he now knows sex is not a gauge to marriage progress.
He’s gained clarity about his ways of “being†that make him happy.
How well he’s living up to his own standards is his new gauge.
When Nick takes action as a man who loves himself, his confidence and vulnerable character are a turn-on for Christine.
Believe the same life can be created by you brother.
Secret# 5: Masculine Leadership Is Sexy (Even to Strong Independent Women) This is the fifth in my series of 6 dangerously effective marriage-saving secrets. I help extraordinary men create long-lasting love, deeper connection, intimacy, respect, and authentic affection through personalized masculine confidence coaching. These secrets are field-tested. They’ll bring lasting positive change in your relationships.
This article is not for the controlling jackass who bosses his wife around or treats women with disrespect. Quite opposite. The pointers you’re about to learn ARE for the man who mistakenly thought letting his wife wear the pants in the relationship would make her happy. Even if your wife has a stubborn streak, deep down, she feels leadership is sexy.
Masculine Leadership Is Sexy (Even to Strong Independent Women)
Married Life Without Masculine Leadership
Kate looked up from her phone and asked, “What do you want for dinner?”
Travis almost didn’t hear her.
He was lost in his laptop, pouring through new real estate listings.
“I don’t care. Whatever is easy”, Travis replied with a smile.
Kate said, “We have some leftover meatloaf. Or I could do a casserole”.
Travis’s eyes stayed on his computer.
He was more interested in the new listing he just found than what he wanted for dinner.
“Whatever you want honey. If one of those is near the front of the fridge, just warm that up”, He suggested.
“Think we could watch a nature show tonight? It’s been a while since we’ve done that. Or we could go for a drive and look at Christmas lights!”, Amy said with enthusiasm.
“Maybe”, Travis mumbled as he tried to cut and paste an address from his web browser.
Kate’s voice got serious, “I just think we need to prioritize making efforts for our relationship.”
“Huh?”, Travis said, confused.
Kate’s face got emotional.
Her throat tightened as she said, “Sometimes I feel like I’m the only one fighting for us. I always have to fight alone”.
Travis tried to make sense of where the conversation had gone.
He felt himself getting angry.
“Kate, you’re a strong independent woman. You love plowing your own way through life. The battles you fight, you bring on yourself”, he scolded disapprovingly.
Hearing this did not sit well with Kate.
Kate began walking out of the room.
In a frustrated tone, she turned around and said, “Never mind.”
Travis heard her walk into their bedroom and close the door.
About an hour later, his mind was still foggy as he tried to process his conversation with Kate.
He felt a little resentful that she didn’t make him anything to eat.
While he warmed up some meatloaf in the microwave, he could hear a nature show coming from the TV in their bedroom.
Yay!
Dinner in bed would be fun.
Travis brought his plate to bed and nestled next to Kate.
She fell asleep moments later.
He finished the episode by himself.
This wasn’t the fun, connected, sexy evening he had hoped for.
Leadership Is Sexy, Management Is Not
Each time Kate brought up a question, Travis tried to manage it by not having an opinion.
Management is a form of damage control.
An ambulance dispatch system to retrieve hikers who fall off a cliff is management.
Standing on the cliff’s edge offering direction away from the edge is leadership.
In the business world, a manager is supposed to keep completing the same tasks over and over.
When a problem arises, there is one goal: push through the problem so normal tasks can resume.
The leader of a company looks broad-range.
A leader ensures effort is spent on the right problems based on where he wants the company to go.
Without leadership, managers can end up straightening chairs on a sinking Titanic assuming effort=success.
You’ll win the battle but lose the war.
The same applies to your marriage.
Here are the replies Travis gave his wife in the story above:
“I don’t care”
Whatever is easy”
“Whatever you want honey”
“Maybe”
“Huh?”
Do those sound like words of leadership to you?
Those replies were attempts to manage “small fires” by abandoning his post as leader.
Even the strongest, most independent, business-minded woman wants to relax.
Her sexuality goes offline if she isn’t relaxed.
Leadership allows her to relax and step out of the guessing game.
Every time Kate bounced options off Travis, she was searching to know what he wanted.
Since Travis offered no solid leadership, her emotions led the conversation (which became frustrating for both of them)
Your wife wants the GOOD feeling of knowing she just gave you something you really wanted.
Saying, “Just warm up whatever happens to be the fridge” robs her of that good feeling.
It’s very selfish to not know what you want.
Masculine Leadership: How Travis Could Have Given it
Especially for guys married to strong independent women, letting her make the choices in the house feels easy.
Deep down, these men are afraid she won’t like him if he faces her strong will (or he’s just lazy).
Sexy, FUN leadership Travis could have given Kate:
“Meatloaf sounds great! Let’s have that”
“No, we can’t look at Christmas lights tonight. We will next weekend though. It will be fun!”
“You feel like you’re fighting all your battles alone? I’m sorry, that sounds exhausting. Let’s talk about it after I get out of the shower tonight when I’m not distracted.”
A unique difference between masculine leadership vs feminine leadership is that masculine leadership is CONSISTENTLY based on values, boundaries, and standards, NOT emotions.
Your leadership is still a gift even If she protests with comments like, “I don’t want meatloaf. I’d rather have a casserole.”
Here’s why: She didn’t know what she wanted until you did.
Feminine energy finds her truth when contained by a strong masculine frame.
Just as a river can’t reach the ocean without river banks feminine can’t know what it wants or where it’s going until it encounters our clear choices.Â
Secret# 4: Urgency To Fix Your Marriage Will End It. This is the fourth in my series of 6 dangerously effective marriage-saving secrets. I help extraordinary men create long-lasting love, deeper connection, intimacy, respect, and authentic affection through personalized masculine confidence coaching. These secrets are field-tested. They’ll bring lasting positive change in your relationships.
In my Vital Formula To Man’s Confidence Course, your calm inner man starts to emerge around session four. This version of yourself is emotionally grounded. A steady heartbeat, clear thoughts, and some swagger in your footsteps are noticeable. Like a movie scene when the hero walks away from an explosion without looking back, the thought of losing your wife no longer crumbles you. Slow and steady wins the marriage-saving race. Urgency to fix your marriage will end it.
Urgency To Fix Your Marriage Will End It
3 Months Of Urgent Marriage Fixing – The Results
Andrew felt like a dagger was being pushed through his gut.
He was lying face down, motionless in bed.
His wife Christy was packing up the last of the food in the kitchen.
Their dog zipped around the room excited for the car drive home.
They were at a lake cabin Andrew rented to celebrate their 7th wedding anniversary.
Outside, the December sun melted a crisp morning frost. Inside, the silence was ominous.
Not a single fiber in Andrew wanted to get up.
He turned and noticed the full-wall mirror along the bed.
His gut sank deeper.
All hopes of having intimate lovemaking by this mirror the night before were shattered.
The wine by the bed was unopened…The lingerie on the chair unused…The roses on the table ignored.
Christy walked over to the bed. “Are you ready to go?”, she asked.
Andrew managed to follow Christy out to the car.
They passed a hand-drawn sign with their names on it.
The words “Happy Anniversary Andrew & Christy” had welcomed their arrival 2 days prior.
Andrew’s blood ran cold as he tried to comprehend how badly the weekend had gone.
How Andrew Accidentally Created The Worst Anniversary Of His Life
Three months ago…
That’s when Christy’s emotional affair with her co-worker first came out.
Andrew’s initial pain of betrayal lifted when Christy broke off connection with her affair partner.
At that time, Christy told Andrew she wanted to work on their marriage.
Andrew franticly scoured the web for a marriage counselor and booked a session.
He poured through YouTube videos about “how to save your marriage”.
He read blog after blog about “how to re-attract your wife”.
Every time he discovered a new “hack” he would use it on his wife.
He…
Took her on a hot air balloon ride attempting to re-create an adrenaline-infused positive experience with her
Showered her with love notes, surprise visits at work with coffee, flowers, long foot rubs, phone calls, and constant “I love you” texts just like when they were dating
Took old photos and made tear-jerking slide shows for her
Brought her to locations they had previously made good memories at
Bought her cute outfits and gifts
Took over doing the dishes, laundry, meals, and shopping
Flooded her with attention and deep emotional conversations
Every spare moment Christy had, Andrew was by her side.
Andrew had one target in mind: He would have his marriage fixed by their anniversary.
He took great lengths to ensure the cabin he rented had everything Christy loved.
The whole weekend was carefully planned out.
A bubble bath, back rub, candles, music, new lingerie… Mathew felt confident going into the weekend they would have sex for the first time in months.
All his expectations came crashing down as every attempt to seduce Christy over the weekend resulted in her turning away.
She gave the dog plenty of affection, but Andrew’s craving for a kiss, cuddle, or any kind of acknowledgment went unmet.
Your Wife Is Not A Guinea Pig For Marriage Saving Hacks
Andrew didn’t say a word as he and Christy drove home from the cabin.
Despite months of trying every marriage-saving hack he could find on the internet, their marriage was no better off.
When they arrived home, Andrew left Christy to unpack.
He took their dog into a travel trailer in the backyard and curled up on the bed.
Several hours later, Christy found him there. She knocked and quietly entered.
After sitting down on the edge of the bed she said, “Andrew, if we divorce, who gets the dog?”
“How can you say that?”, Andrew replied.
Although he was bummed their marriage wasn’t fixed, hearing the word “divorce” was too much to take in.
Was she suggesting their marriage was over?
Christy spoke again, “I’m just wondering… If we were to separate, how would we raise the dog?”
Tears started streaming down Andrew’s face.
This kind of talk was NOT ok. “Don’t ever say that. We’re not getting a divorce. You’re my wife, forever. We’re Christians and don’t believe in divorce”, Andrew said firmly.
Christy got up and walked out.
She divorced Andrew before the month ended.
Why Urgency To Fix Your Marriage Will End It (And What To Do About It)
The story about Andrew is an example of what NOT to do.
There are no magic hacks, gifts, or words that will make your wife want to be with you.
Those behaviors feel smothering at this point of marriage collapse.
There has to be a change in energy.
Remember those giant bubble-making wands from when you were a kid?
After dipping it in soapy water, you had to slowly open it and let a slight breeze blow through it.
Go too fast, and the bubble would pop.
A slow-steady motion would make massive bubbles.
This is what your marriage is like.
Love and attraction are delicate.
Addressing your urgent anxiety, fear, loneliness, expectations, and low self-esteem is what you need to be working on.
Until you become a calm, confident, outcome non-dependent man, everything you try with your wife will have undertones of urgency.
Frantically trying every new marriage tip when your relationship is on the rocks will keep popping her love bubble.
Behaving erratically like this leaves her confused about who you are.
4 Questions To Slow Down Urgency
What if you truly believed what’s happening now is supposed to happen to get you where you’re supposed to be?
If you pause your reactions, what response would you choose?
What’s a narrative about “right now” that feels better than your current story?
How can you be self-reliant in order to give yourself what you need right now?
A Paradox: Urgency To Fix Your Marriage Will End It… BUT Letting It Go Can Save It
I see it over and over with the men I work with…
The man finally gets secure enough to let the marriage go… Then she circles back!
It takes balls of steel to let someone you love go free.
You can’t fake this kind of confidence.
Your urgency to fix your marriage leaks out of your eyes, breathing, movements, and tones.
It’s needy and unattractive.
What you need is real, internal change.
A new way of thinking and a new framework to live by.
Can you sense the vibe of leadership and clarity these men gained?
These are confident men who can create the marriage they want.
How Andrew Created An Amazing Life
95% of men turn to porn, alcohol, or sex to numb the pain of rejection.
These guys end up re-creating the same dynamics from their first marriage in their next relationship.
Andrew wasn’t this kind of man.
He joined the ranks of the 5% club and committed to addressing the underlying issues that destroyed his marriage.
Through the guidance of a seasoned mentor, Andrew gained a mindset that put him back in the driver’s seat of his life.
Christy’s divorce was a gift.
Andrew may never have committed to making deep internal changes if he hadn’t gone through the pain of losing his wife.
Although Christy had already filed for divorce, she noticed these changes in Andrew in the months that followed.
She liked it.
She wanted to go on adventures, meet up for coffee, and share her feelings with Andrew again.
You might be surprised to learn Andrew did not take her up on this.
His clarity about what he wants, tolerates and values gave him certainty about the kind of woman he allows into his life.
Urgency to fix your marriage will end it.
Resolving your anxious, deadline-driven expectations can bring about the attractive energy you both want.
Lead your relationship to calmer, warmer waters by taking this next step.
Take care brother,
Garrett Prettyman
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