This article is about a man who couldn’t handle his wife’s moods or emotions. Tiptoeing around your wife creates a long-term “drama loop”. A grounded, confident husband nips the “drama loop” in the bud.
Why You Need To STOP Tiptoeing Around Your Wife
The Negative Effects Of Being Indirect
Gerald felt torn.
He and his wife Susan were sitting in the hot tub.
She was looking intently at him for an answer.
He didn’t know what to say.
Part of him knew if he spoke plainly, all hell would break loose from Susan.
The other part of him knew his tactics of tiptoeing around questions had been getting under her skin lately.
There was a part of Susan Gerald dreaded.
He had named this part of her “the dragon”.
Although he had never admitted this term to Susan, she instinctively knew he saw part of her this way.
Susan’s “dragon” was a cold, dismissive, angry, moody personality that usually surfaced around her period.
For years, Gerald had managed to keep Susan’s “dragon” asleep by not disturbing the peace when she was on edge.
He had become a black-belt master of adjusting his responses based on how he felt she would take them.
Susan wasn’t the only one who Gerald used this tactic with.
Customers, family members, in-laws… Gerald could smooth over anything with anyone.
The “Drama Loop”
Over the last few months, indirect behavior from Gerald made Susan feel very unsupported in the marriage.
Her complaints were:
I don’t feel supported
You don’t stand up for people
I can’t trust you
I don’t feel heard
You don’t understand me
As Gerald and Susan sat in the hot tub, Gerald opened his mouth to speak.
Susan immediately sensed he was going to “walk on eggshells”.
She stopped him mid-sentence.
Susan:“See! You always do this!!”
Gerald tried to backpedal with a logical excuse.
Susan:“Just tell me, did you or did you not tell your mom exactly why we won’t be going to their place for Thanksgiving?”
Gerald knew he hadn’t been direct with his mom… He didn’t want to piss her off. Gerald had given his mom a list of excuses why they wouldn’t be there for the holiday…
He tried to explain himself then Susan cut him off again:
“I’m done. I’m done with you never having any backbone… I don’t even feel like I can stay in this relationship”
A man who is not in his masculine power rides the drama loop of women in his life. There’s a highly effective process to stopping the drama loop. I teach this process to men every day. I teach you how to stay in your own “lane” when drama strikes. You’re cool, safe, loving, but FIRM.
Without this masculine “containment” women feel they don’t have a champion in their corner and you feel like you’re walking on eggshells.
How To Stop Tiptoeing Around Your Wife
I gained confidence to be direct by having another man I respect ask me some hard questions. My clarity of those questions gave me clarity to address conflict. You need confidence to stop tiptoeing around your wife. You need men of integrity to ask you some hard questions to challenge your thinking.
Fill out an application for my “Get Grounded Now” FREE consultation. I will ask you some challenging questions. Masculinity grows through challenge.
Below is a video from a recent conversation I had with master coach Sven Masterson. I highly recommend Sven’s community and mentorship. Click his name to see the content he has about men, marriage, sex, and relationships. This article will outline exactly how I got my happiness back after my wife’s affair. I promise you’ll find value in listening to my discussion with Sven as well.
My Wife’s Affair:
My August Saturday started off as usual.
Stacks of book work needed my attention.
Being self-employed required me to do the job description of 5 employees.
It had been this way for years
My wife and I were ghosts in passing.
This summer was different though.
The few times we were home together, she acted like I didn’t exist.
She hadn’t wanted sex in weeks.
Most weekends she would go out with friends and not come home for days.
On this Saturday, my wife was home.
I was being mopey.
I dropped a few comments about how nice it would be if she would stay home more.
Since we both had the day off, I hoped we could at least spend the morning together.
I sat down at my desk to do the bookwork.
What happened next changed my entire life.
She sat down on the couch beside me and said “I have feelings for someone else“.
I died that day. My heart was ripped out. I cried for days. I stopped eating. I couldn’t get out of bed. My will to live was gone. My wife’s affair tore me apart.
Fast Forward To Now:
I’ve created a life I love!
Live location independent
Spend part of the season deep in the mountains
Ceder trees, creeks, fireplaces, and coffee are all normal parts of my day
I create connection anytime I want it
Have several homes in different states
Have the deep love, sex, intimacy, and relationships I want
No longer dependent on women to feel good or “get luckyâ€
No longer addicted to porn
Experience the things I love everyday
Watch this video to hear about 10 key attributes I had to develop as a man to create a life that attracts what I love after my wife’s affair:
How I Got My Happiness Back After My Wife’s Affair
How I Created Happiness In Spite Of My Wife’s Affair
Step 1: STOP old behaviors
Step 2: Grieve the loss (go through all 5 stages)
Step 3: Develop new mindsets
Step 4: Develop new behaviors
Step 5. Develop new ways of communicating
Step 6. Look forward, then invite
STOP…
In my Ebook The Devastated Man’s Marriage 1st Aid Revival Pack I list 26.5 things to immediately STOP doing when your wife cheats or has an affair. Continuing these behaviors pretty much guarantees your life will be miserable. These behaviors also increase the odds of divorce.
STOP things like:
Checking her phone.
Tracking her location.
Begging, bargaining, pleading.
Trying to win her back with flowers and love notes.
Chasing = Loosing
Develop New Mindsets…
Your FEAR of divorce (not divorce itself) will PREVENT a new, better relationship from growing. Understand divorce papers don’t keep you apart any better than the marriage certificate kept you together.
Realize she didn’t cheat because you’re a bad husband. She cheated because she’s unhappy with who she’s allowed herself to become in the relationship. Even if you’re the worst husband in the world, cheating was her choice.
See her as doing the best she can with the brain she has. In her mind, everything she’s done is justifiable based on how she perceives things. You can’t expect more than that from anyone.
Understand your pain comes from your perceptions, not her actions.
Get crystal clear about your values and boundaries. Write down the consequences for those boundaries. Your boundaries are NOT meant to control her. They should NOT be created out of fear, anxiety or insecurity. They are intended to define the borders of what YOU want to experience and what YOU will continue to give YOUR energy to.
Let her feel the sting of her choices.
Develop New Ways Of Communicating…
Use statements, not questions with her.
Listen for emotion words when she talks. Connect with those emotion words.
Don’t defend, explain, justify, or get defensive about your intentions.
Do more listening than talking…Drop the mic.
Talk your frustrations out with your man support group, not her family or friends.
Look Forward, Then Invite…
Get laser-focused on your life mission beyond your wife and family.
Face your uncomfortable edges where you’ve been playing small.
Know exactly what your amazing future smells, tastes, feels and sounds like.
Say “hell yes†to what aligns to your amazing future and “hell no†to what doesn’t.
TRUST IS THE CORE ISSUE TO ADDRESS WHEN SHE CHEATS OR HAS AN AFFAIR
First, trust in yourself has to be developed before engaging her. Trust in your intentions. Trust in your ability to create a happy day. Trust you can manage your own emotions. Trust in your ability to detach from her moods.
Second, She must show trustablity through consistency.
Third, she has to show true remorse for her affair.
Fourth, YOU must extend trust to her.
Frame How She Can Gain Your Trust
Trust is a mutual experience between one person being trustable and the other extending trust. Masculine energy establishes “frames†so she knows exactly how to gain your trust.
1. “Frame†what you need from her to regain trust.
2. “Frame†How long you need her to do this
3. “Frame†the course of action you will take to manage your own insecurities, fears, and anxiety.
Once I got clear on my boundaries and values, I lovingly removed myself from my wife’s life. I went from being willing to chop my arm off to save my marriage to boldly standing on my operating principles to ensure my happiness.
If I had found a mentor before my wife’s affair, would my marriage have turned out differently?
There is no way to know.
What I can tell you is everything I’ve created since then is because I had a man by my side coaching me along the way.
This is what I offer men.
I can show you exactly how to use the tools you need to create the relationships you want.
Some things only “click†when another man gives it to you straight.
Get Your Happiness Back Today
Rather than waiting for my wife to change so I could have an amazing life, I created an amazing life not dependent on her. My new life has attracted what I want!
Are you ready to have a man in your corner to show you the ropes? Fill out my Contact Form and lets have a talk. It’s free. No strings, no snake oil. See how coaching can make you into the man you want to be.
When we’re getting under our wife’s skin and unknowingly turning her off, we can be totally oblivious. In this article, I explain the two most common ways you could be turning your wife off without realizing it. I’ll also define the kind of man you need to be to turn her on.
Has your wife said these words to you?
“You don’t have my back”… “Stop trying to fix me”… “You don’t “get it”
I know a husband who had been working long days at his job for years.
He found a sense of honor in all the sacrifices he made for his family to have a good life.
Not being able to pay the bills was a stress he never wanted his wife to face.
He worked tirelessly to save for a larger home, a dependable car, and even their own hot tub
He dedicated himself to resolving every issue that arose along the way, ensuring she could relax and reap the rewards
Despite the strain, he reassured himself that his hard work wouldn’t always be necessary
One afternoon, he came home from work and his wife was crying. “I’m just so lonely”, she sobbed.
He was pissed. This didn’t make sense.
He was giving her a dream life!
She could do whatever she wanted whenever she wanted.
Deep down, the husband felt jealous she had so much freedom.
The husband felt incredibly disrespected and undervalued by her response to all he had sacrificed for her.
He decided to challenge her with a mental “map” so she could clearly see why he wasn’t to blame for how she was feeling. (FYI, the man in this story was me)
The 1st Way You Could Be Turning Your Wife Off Without Realizing it: Presenting Her With The “Map”
I talk more about this “Map” in the video:
2 Ways You’re Turning Your Wife Off Without Realizing It
To summarize the video, when you try to set her feelings straight or justify your actions, you’re presenting her with a “map” and unknowingly turning her off. You’ve shifted the conversation away from “what” to “why“. This will make your wife feel “unheard”. Trying to get her to follow your logical “map” makes her feel like you don’t “get” her.
It’s like handing a boiling lobster the owner’s manual to the stove it’s being cooked on.
You have a man’s brain. You SEE how everything fits together in the bigger picture. For you, spotting problems coming down the road is natural. Your excitement comes from putting those pieces together while keeping your eye on the desired result. You love “maps”.
Your wife has a woman’s brain. She FEELS what you’re like to be around. She FEELS how you think about her. Her excitement comes from whatever she’s feeling. Showing her the “map” to justify your actions feels like you’re trying to invalidate how she’s feeling RIGHT NOW.
A man doesn’t feel the need to whip out the “map” when he:
Trusts his intentions
Has clarity
Acts Deliberate
Stays Calm
Feels confident in his inherent value as a man
She can feel your insecure need to get yourself off the hot seat by presenting the “map”.
THAT is the turn-off for her. She wants you to “pass her test” by not getting defensive. She wants to FEEL you noticing her emotions, not the reasons for her emotions.
The 2nd Way You Could Be Turning Your Wife Off Without Realizing it: Not Valuing What’s Yours To Value
Sometimes your wife will do things you never would do.
Sometimes she doesn’t value things you value.
Your own worth, value, and attractiveness as a man are things YOU need to be grounded in, not her.
She can FEEL if the removal of her affirmations will crumble you.
She can FEEL if all she has to do is roll her eyes and you’ll go weak in the knees.
Women are hardwired to move towards safety and away from danger.
She cannot feel safe or have deep trust with you when you’re dependent on her for your sense of well-being.
When a husband is bothered or annoyed by his wife she’s usually doing something he wouldn’t.
Maybe she:
Won’t stop talking at dinner with friends
Doesn’t help with housework
Is always on her phone
If you’re bothered by it, SHE’S MIRRORING TO YOU WHAT YOU SUPPRESS IN YOURSELF
Example: Let’s say every day she sleeps in and you have to get up early. When you see her sleeping in, you’re projecting how you would feel about yourself if you did that.
Resentment grows when you see her “get away with it”.
Jealousy grows when you see her “living how she wants”.
Part of you would also feel “lazy” if you slept in every day so you label her as “lazy”.
All these labels are just your own perspectives and triggers! The swirling, changing, flowing feminine energy of our wives pushes us to our edge so we can work on our own shit. She stretches us to consider new perspectives and not get so stuck in a rut.
Maybe we need to give ourselves permission to enjoy some things in life a bit more
Maybe we should allow ourselves to have some freedoms instead of getting resentful of hers?
How A Happy Attractive Husband Brings The Spark Back
Your charging cable needs to be unplugged from your wife. One shadow many men have is they think they need to “man up”, “have balls” or “be more alpha”. Although it’s true women find self-reliant men attractive, your batteries will go dead if you don’t plug your charger into a new receptacle. You need a community of men who have your back. You need male comrades. We love maps! We can hash data all day and find it very connecting. Unplug your charger from her and plug it into us or you’ll keep turning her off by draining her.
Many husbands are clueless about how to create an emotional connection. For some, it stems from deeper shame or fear of loneliness that motivates him instead of his heart (also a common way men turn off their wife). You can turn that around right now by connecting with me.
I teach nice, good, quality men how to:
Be unshakably grounded in your manhood
Have crystal clear boundaries
Live from your values
Create the relationship you want by having effective operating principles and standards
These are foundational to becoming the strong man you want to be! (without becoming a jerk). Why is it so effective? Because this is man-to-man mentorship. We look forward, not backward. I’ve been where you’re at and I can show you how to move forward. If you’re serious about stepping into your manhood, fill out my “Get Grounded Now” consultation form. It’s free. No fine print. No stress. I’m a certified life coach living in the mountains of Idaho who likes his eggs over easy and his coffee extra hot. We’re both real men. Let’s have a deep conversation about your current situation. Many men are blown away after this call. We talk about things our dad never told us. I give you tools to start using right away. I guarantee you’ll instantly feel better after we talk.
Manage Cookies
To provide the best experiences, we use technologies like cookies to store and/or access device information. Consenting to these technologies will allow us to process data such as browsing behavior or unique IDs on this site. Not consenting or withdrawing consent, may adversely affect certain features and functions.
Functional
Always active
The technical storage or access is strictly necessary for the legitimate purpose of enabling the use of a specific service explicitly requested by the subscriber or user, or for the sole purpose of carrying out the transmission of a communication over an electronic communications network.
Preferences
The technical storage or access is necessary for the legitimate purpose of storing preferences that are not requested by the subscriber or user.
Statistics
The technical storage or access that is used exclusively for statistical purposes.The technical storage or access that is used exclusively for anonymous statistical purposes. Without a subpoena, voluntary compliance on the part of your Internet Service Provider, or additional records from a third party, information stored or retrieved for this purpose alone cannot usually be used to identify you.
Marketing
The technical storage or access is required to create user profiles to send advertising, or to track the user on a website or across several websites for similar marketing purposes.
