Conflict with your wife can feel like the exact opposite of respect and love. It makes perfect sense that you hate it. But even when you bend over backward to keep the peace, the blow-ups still happen. That’s when a lot of men shut down, tap out, or agree with her just to avoid another explosion. And then they wonder why the intimacy disappears. Here’s a story that will show you 3 mistakes to avoid at all costs if you want to have more loving and less fighting in your marriage.
How Tom Used To Handle Conflict With His Wife
Tom’s head was spinning.
The last 20 minutes with his wife Jessica had gone horribly wrong.
They had taken a quick weekend vacation.
She had seemed a little “off” at the hotel that morning.
On the drive home, something imploded in her.
“I don’t feel appreciated or loved by you…I need you to give me more verbal affirmation“, Jessica complained.
Tom thought to himself, “Well if you want to be told you’re sweet, maybe you should act sweet”. Even though he didn’t say this out loud, Jessica could sense he was thinking it.
“But I do love you,” Tom Argued. “Just look at all I do for us to have a nice house and dependable income. I’m always nice to you and have never hit you or done anything abusive.”
“You never kiss me unless we’re having sex”, Jessica snapped back.
Lately, this was true.
Jessica had put on a few pounds.
She had been getting more cranky and moody.
These were all turn-offs for Tom.
He felt kissing her would reward her moody behavior.
Tom said, “Ok, fine. I’ll stop kissing during sex if you don’t like it.”
“That’s not the point. Just, never mind. You never get it!!”, She replied.
Jessica was crying now. She turned away and refused to talk.
Tom felt stumped.
What should he do now?
Manage Conflict With Your Wife By Avoiding Tom’s 3 Mistakes
Mistake #1: Tom tried countering each of Jessica’s objections with a solution.
All he needed to do was affirm her own emotions back to her.
The issue is never what your wife brings up in the moment.
I know, this doesn’t make sense…
Men bring up something because it’s the issue at hand.
But resolving conflict with your wife isn’t logical for her.
Think of the female brain like a pot.
She’s been collecting bits and pieces in this pot for a while.
At some point, she realizes the bits and pieces stink.
She’ll pull one piece out and say it’s why the pot stinks.
The reality is, it’s a combination of many pieces that stink.
So whether she’s complaining about the dishwasher not being loaded, your love language, or the way you laughed when she tripped, her issue is not with that specific thing.
Mistake #2. Tom lowered the bar for her behaviour by withholding praise.
Women grow towards what’s praised or honored.
Men grow towards what’s respected or what feels like freedom.
Here’s a concept that’s hard for men to grasp:
We set the bar for our wife’s behavior by praising her before she reaches it.
Want a wife who is sweet and kind?
Praise her for being sweet and kind.
Want a loving, affectionate wife?
Praise her for loving.
When you demonstrate high regard for her, she grows towards it like a tree grows towards light.
If you never praise her, it only adds to the conflict with your wife.
A win-lose mindset prevents you from praising her.
It will feel like “letting her win”.
An abundance mindset knows that a rising tide raises all boats.
Praising her improves the relationship that YOU are in.
Mistake #3: Tom had stinkin’ thinkin’.
Your feelings come from your perceptions that live in your thoughts.
A negative or victimhood thought pattern will make you experience your wife that way.
Tom needed to relax in his sense of well-being to regulate his own triggers.
He needed to not take his stinkin’ thinkin’ so seriously.
This would have created an energy of understanding and empathy toward Jessica.
Your wife can always smell what you think.
Women’s sixth sense is keen.
That’s why you can’t talk your way out of something you’ve behaved yourself into.
When a man is relaxed in his self-worth and innate value, he doesn’t sink into victimhood when his wife is having “a moment”.
He can remain present in a strong, loving way.
When you provide this kind of emotional leadership, she will sift through all the smelly pieces in her “pot” and get them sorted on her own.
In the end, you’re still there.
You’re “with her”.
Your wife needs this unique masculine gift to feel safe enough to relax into her soft, feminine state.
Tom needed to realize his feelings (like confusion and frustration) were coming from his thinking, not his wife’s complaints.
I wish I could tell you Tom learned from his mistakes and turned his relationship around.
He did not.
Tom assumed his wife was crazy and continued to criticize her reactions.
If you don’t learn to manage conflict with your wife, it can cost you your marriage.
It cost Tom his.
This was the wake-up call Tom needed to finally get some help.
Having mentorship from an experienced man changed everything for Tom.
He became the man he always knew he could be.
It was too late for his marriage, but it wasn’t too late to create amazing relationships going forward.
How To Be The Man Your Wife Can’t Get Enough Of
You can break the cycles of conflict with your wife.
Your relationship with your thoughts is the first thing to address.
Learning boundaries and not taking things personally is the next.
You know an argument takes two, right?
When you change, everything changes.
You can be a man who leads his wife through her emotions with ease.
Let me show you how.