Our relationship can feel like it’s spiraling out of control when our feelings are at the mercy of our wife’s emotions. Our thoughts can feel urgent: “had blow-up with wife… must resolve now…Why, why why is she doing this??” I’m going to share 3 mistakes to watch out for.
Blow-Up With Wife: How Tom Handled It
Tom’s head was spinning.
The last 20 minutes with his wife Jessica had gone horribly wrong.
They had taken a quick weekend vacation.
She had seemed a little “off” at the hotel that morning.
On the drive home, something imploded in her.
“I don’t feel appreciated or loved by you…I need you to give me more verbal affirmation“, Jessica complained.
Tom thought to himself, “Well if you want to be told you’re sweet maybe you should act sweet”. Even though he didn’t say this out loud, Jessica could sense he was thinking it.
“But I do love you. Just look at all I do for us to have a nice house and dependable income. I’m always nice to you and have never hit you are done anything abusive”, Tom argued.
“You never kiss me unless we’re having sex”, Jessica snapped back.
Lately, this was true.
Jessica had put on a few pounds.
She had been getting more cranky and moody.
These were all turn-offs for Tom.
He felt kissing her would be rewarding her moody behavior.
Tom said, “Ok fine. I’ll stop kissing during sex if you don’t like it.”
“That’s not the point. Just, never mind. You never get it!!”, She replied.
Jessica was crying now. She turned away and refused to talk.
Tom felt stumped.
Now what?
3 Mistakes Tom Made
1. Tom tried countering each of Jessica’s objections with a solution.
All he needed to do was affirm her own emotions back to her.
The issue is never what your wife brings up in the moment.
I know, this doesn’t make sense…
Men bring up something because it’s the issue at hand.
Think of the female brain like a pot.
She’s been collecting bits and pieces in this pot for a while.
At some point, she realizes the bits and pieces mixed together stink.
She’ll pull one piece out and say that is why the pot stinks.
The reality is, it’s a combination of many pieces that stink.
So whether she’s complaining about the dishwasher not being loaded, your love language, or the way you laughed when she tripped, her issue is not with that specific thing.
2. By Tom withholding praise from his wife he was lowering the bar for her behaviors.
Women grow towards what’s praised or honored.
Men grow towards what’s respected or what feels like freedom.
Here’s a concept that’s hard for men to grasp:
We set the bar for our wife’s behavior by praising her before she’s reached it.
Want a wife who is sweet and kind?
Praise her for being sweet and kind.
Want a loving affectionate wife?
Praise her for loving.
When you demonstrate this kind of high regard for her she grows towards it.
3. Tom’s thinking stunk.
Our feelings come from our perceptions.
All Tom needed to do was relax in his sense of well-being to regulate his own triggers.
This would have created an energy of understanding and empathy toward Jessica.
Our wife can always smell what we think.
Women’s sixth sense is keen and we can’t talk our way out of something we’ve behaved ourselves into.
When a man is relaxed in his self-worth and innate value, he doesn’t sink into despair or confusion when his wife is having “a moment”.
He can remain present in a strong, loving way.
When we provide this kind of emotional leadership, she will sift through all the smelly pieces in her “pot” and get them sorted on her own.
In the end, you’re still there.
You’re calm.
You’re “with her”.
This is a unique masculine gift a woman needs to let herself flow into her soft, feminine state.
Tom needed to realize his feelings (like confusion and frustration) were coming from his thinking, not his wife’s complaints.
I wish I could tell you Tom learned from his mistakes and turned his relationship around.
He did not.
Tom assumed his wife was crazy and continued to criticize her reactions.
He went from “blow-up with wife” to “divorced” within 6 months.
This was the wake-up call Tom needed to finally get some help.
Having mentorship from an experienced man changed everything forward for Tom.
He became the man he always knew he could be.
It was too late for his marriage but not too late to create amazing relationships going forward.
How You Can Avoid Tom’s Mistakes
There’s an effective process I take men through.
Your brain gets rewired.
Your perceptions shift and you become a happy, confident, emotionally-online man.
This is the kind of man who can lead a woman through her emotions with ease.
He’s grounded and solid in his values and holds to his integrity. He knows what he wants and he knows how to create it.
If I offered you a brand new house for a $100, would you jump on it? The value my coaching offers is no different. The Masculine Confidence Framework I teach is priceless. It’s been refined and improved through many years of working with men. It’s going to have a positive effect on your next 30 years. Do it for your family. Do it for you. You won’t regret it. That’s a promise. Fill Out this form to schedule a FREE consultation.
Much love brother,
Garrett Prettyman