What I’m about to say might seem unrelated to why your wife holds onto the past, but hang in there. We’re going to navigate the dicey topic of husband/wife roles in modern marriages. This will help you understand your wife better. Below is a video explaining more.
A Shift In Husband/Wife Roles
I grew up in the typical 1950s family model.
The husband was the breadwinner, and the wife ran the household.
Dad, grandpa, and great-grandpa never changed a diaper, washed a dish, or prepared a meal.
Neither my mom, grandma, nor great-grandma would be caught dead fixing the roof or changing the car’s oil.
I assumed it was normal to have clear lines between what men do and what women do.
Then I married a strong, independent, career-driven woman.
That was a real wake-up call.
It turns out that men can cook and women can change oil…
I had a masculine identity crisis.
I struggled to know my value, place, and role as a husband.
Many men are in this spot, feeling like their wives don’t need them.
Deep down, you start to question why you’re even in your wife’s life if she doesn’t need you.
Even though society has blurred gender roles, I’m going to show you some roles that can’t be changed.
This helps expose why your wife holds onto the past.
She’s biologically designed to bring balance to who you are.
Why Your Wife Holds Onto The Past Even If It Creates Friction
Feminine energy and masculine energy are two polar opposites that can’t be eradicated from our planet.
The reason why your wife holds onto the past is because of her biological makeup.
Most humans with ovaries are going to have feminine energy, and most humans with balls are going to have masculine energy.
A human with ovaries is designed to take in, germinate, hold, and absorb the energy around her like an oil spill kit.
In fact, she’s so well built for this, she can take in a man’s seed and germinate a new human from it.
Feminine energy is a POWERFUL receiver, seducer, enticer, and fertile garden ready for “seeds”.
What you plant in your wife WILL germinate, multiply, and be handed back to you 10-fold.
Holding onto the past is what she’s supposed to do.
Imagine being a sponge that adsorbs the vibe in the room everywhere you go…eventually, you would feel overwhelmed and need to vent.
Most of the time, when your wife brings up the past, she’s just trying to let some pressure out so she doesn’t burst.
I love marriage expert Mark Gungor’s humorous take on this in his viral video, The Tale Of Two Brains.
You’re biologically designed to bring balance to feminine.
That’s why you prefer to look forward when she looks backwards.
Being The Masculine Role In Modern Marriages
The days of mowing the lawn to prove you’re a valuable husband are over.
The marker of a successful marriage is when the husband and wife value each other’s differences.
This is how you make babies.
This is how you build relationships.
Penetration is the masculine role that does not change.
Here’s what “penetration” looks like:
- Stepping FORWARD when others hesitate
- Making clear decisions
- Taking the high road
- Staying present during difficult emotions
- Challenging the status quo
- Breaking new ground in areas of finance, freedom, and relationships
- Playing the long game
- Having a specific life direction
- Being polarizing
- Planting seeds in receptive people (leadership)
One of the gifts your “penetration” brings to your relationship is that you can create a safe space for her to let some pressure out.
This is done when you close your mouth and penetrate your wife with your ears.
Yup, it’s the gift of listening.
Really listening, so she can let some pressure out.
Many times, that pressure is going to be about stuff you thought was already resolved from the past.
In her world, the past is NEVER resolved.
History lives to vividly in her emotional memory bank.
When your wife holds onto the past, she’s not bringing things up for you to explain away or fix for her.
She just wants to feel heard.
Your ears can make her feel heard, your words cannot make her feel heard.
What To Do When Your Wife Holds Onto the Past
Being upset, arguing, defending, or holding a grudge when your wife holds onto the past is flaccid “penetration.”
Feminine energy is a container for how you’ve impacted lives.
It’s valuable feedback that teaches you something about yourself.
I’ll stick my neck out.
I bet 80.7% of the time, the beef you have with your wife’s account of the past is that you feel she’s misunderstanding what your intentions were.
You also don’t want to re-hash something that’s water under the bridge.
A man who trusts his intentions can “penetrate” her version of the past.
When she brings up the past, a secure man doesn’t see it as an attack, he sees it as a cry for understanding, empathy, and connection.
He sees her recount as an opportunity to LEAD her to the present moment, where the past no longer exists.
A man who trusts his intentions can also learn by her account how he can be different going forward.
There is always a little truth that stings when she brings up the past.
That truth can help you better align your actions to your intentions going forward.
You might assume you’re planting a straight row of corn, but when it germinates, you can see the row isn’t straight.
Feminine germinates what you plant, letting you see how it impacts people with more perspective.
This Is Your Call To Action
It’s time to get off the bus, Gus.
Reading blogs and doom-scrolling YouTube is the shallow end of the pool.
The masculine confidence framework I coach men on will give you clarity about how to show up in your marriage with masculine energy.
How you’ve been operating has created the marriage you have.
Are you ready to have something better?