You might be wondering how to be a leader in your marriage without overpowering your wife or acting controlling. But what if leadership isn’t about overpowering or controlling someone else? I’m going to show you how leadership is about standing in your own state of well-being, no longer needing your wife (or anyone) to behave a certain way for you to feel solid in your choices.
I once worked with a client who noticed that every time his wife got upset, his body would betray him…one foot would instinctively start turning toward the door.
His foot said, “Run! Avoid conflict!”
But he caught himself, literally grabbed his leg, and planted himself firmly in place to remain present.
He decided, “I’m staying right here. I can handle this.”
His body FACED the conflict, his eyes looked into hers, his ears open, his mouth closed.
After a while, she finished her rant.
He calmly looked at her and asked, “Honey, do you need something from me, or were you just venting”?
That’s how to be a leader in your marriage.
You show your decisive, calm presence when your wife needs it most.
The Jedi Mindset: Lead with Presence Over Emotion
I recently rewatched all the Star Wars movies, and something stood out to me like never before: the clear divide between the Jedi and the Sith.
The Sith, (the dark side) fuel their power with raw emotion (anger, hatred, passion, love, vengeance). They react.
The Jedi? They move with intentionality. They respond rather than react. They have a frame created by a set of values that don’t sway with emotion or circumstance.
Anakin Skywalker struggled with this.
When he lost his mother, he went on a revenge streak to avenge her, killing many.
His love for his wife drove him down an even darker path, terrified he might lose her as he lost his mother.
The Jedi kept pulling him back, reminding him: That’s not the way.
And that’s exactly what this work is about…No longer being controlled by fear!
How To Be A Leader In Your Marriage In Our Modern Era
Most of today’s “heroes” we see in movies don’t follow the Jedi path.
In modern movies, the main character is often fueled by vengeance.
Some injustice happens, and the “hero” lashes out in fury.
This Hollywood version of “hero” has been glorified, but it’s not power at all.
It’s pure reactivity, a misguided portrayal of what true strength really looks like.
A hero initiated by suffering and trials doesn’t operate from reactive emotions.
He doesn’t let his impulses dictate his actions.
His values determine his course, not his momentary feelings.
How To Be A Hero
How you feel about something is secondary when you’ve already decided, in advance, to act in alignment with your values.
That’s what makes a man grounded, powerful, and magnetic.
Emotions don’t move you to regretful actions; you become the anchor.
This is the way of the Jedi.
And if you want to step into this kind of presence and strength in your marriage, your leadership, and your life, it starts with a decision:
Will you lead yourself, or will you let emotions lead you?
If you’re ready to break free from frustration, rebuild attraction, and restore the deep, passionate intimacy you once had with your wife, then it’s time to step up.