This article is for the man who still loves his wife and wants to understand what it takes to restore trust after her affair. Some marriages go on to be more connected and intimate after an affair. Others do not. The difference? Genuine remorse. When Genuine remorse is present, there is a path back to having trust again!
Can You Restore Trust After Her Affair If It Was Physical?
An emotional affair is the most detrimental form of cheating for a woman.
A physical affair is the most detrimental for men.
Neither has to be the end of a marriage.
Many times, it takes something as painful as a physical affair to finally wake a couple up.
For years, they’ve both been a shell of themselves…ruminating on dashed expectations, avoiding each other, disconnecting, and sweeping their feelings under the rug.
And when an affair first emerges, it doesn’t feel like an opportunity to face those issues.
It feels like panic and hurt.
Like you’re on a sinking ship with no shoreline in sight.
Every fiber of your being wants to make your panic STOP by patching the holes in your boat to save it.
If you restore trust after her affair, it won’t be because you had a meltdown.
You really need to check our motives for WHY you want to patch the holes in your relationship.
If your underlying drive to “fix” the relationship is to settle YOUR fear, YOUR insecurity, YOUR panic, then you’re doing damage control, not relationship creation.
Self-care to alleviate your painful symptoms needs to be your main focus when surviving her affair.
Many men have ignored this advice.
They convinced their wives to forgo the affair.
They might have avoided divorce, but these men were never able to trust her again.
Without trust, you’ll constantly wonder if she’s hiding something.
3 Steps To Restore Trust After Her Affair
If your wife is not genuinely sorry for her breach of fidelity, you can’t restore trust after her affair.
But if your wife is sorry and shows genuine remorse, here are 3 steps to take next:
- Create an amazing life to the same standards you expect from her
- Resolve your own insecurities so you can SHOW trust
- Create a temporary framework for her to show her trustability
Many couples have built BETTER, stronger relationships despite an affair.
That’s because an affair doesn’t necessarily mean you had a bad relationship.
Esther Perel has spent decades studying infidelity.
I’m paraphrasing, but Esther says, “Good women sometimes cheat when they become unhappy with who they have allowed themselves to become in the relationship.”
This means the version of herself that she feels comfortable showing you isn’t the version she likes.
This version might have been good enough in the beginning, but it feels lifeless to her now.
This old version of her (and you) created version 1.0 of the marriage.
Version 1.0 ended the moment she cheated.
To restore trust after her affair, a new version 2.0 of the relationship has to be created.
Setting Standards For The Relationship So You Can Trust Again
I’ll say it crystal clear right now.
If you’re secretly using porn, you are in no position to expect trust from your wife.
Men get from porn what women get from attention.
The adrenaline, the dopamine, the sedative effect on the mind – those same juices that keep you addicted to porn are what keep her addicted to attention from other guys.
The same goes for side chicks or cam girls.
Hold all your behaviors to the same bar you want her to live by.
Lead by example.
Show her what’s possible by doing it yourself.
Giving her rules to make her trustworthy does nothing if you don’t live up to those same rules.
Resolve Your Insecurities So You Can Show Trust
Your wife could be 100% trustworthy for the rest of her life, but if you don’t SHOW trust, there will be no trust.
You don’t get to use your triggers or traumatic past as a cop-out.
Were you abandoned once?
Are you terrified of being alone?
Have you been cheated on before?
That’s YOUR stuff to work on!
Delving into this kind of personal development isn’t a matter of reading a few articles or watching a few YouTube videos.
Reach out to a coach, mentor, or therapist to get your stuff resolved before addressing her stuff.
Constantly panicking about where she is and who she’s texting is a “you” problem, not a “her” problem.
Create A Temporary Framework To Restore Trust After Her Affair
If your wife has no interest in rebuilding trust, then DO NOT try to impose this step onto her!
If SHE wants to build a relationship 2.0 with you, it’s ok to have a temporary season for her to prove her trustworthiness.
This may include her abiding by a curfew, sharing phone records, or regularly updating you on her whereabouts.
Make it clear to her when this framework starts and when it ends.
The point isn’t to be a control freak.
This is a temporary season for her to prove she’s serious about being trustworthy.
But let’s be real.
If she wants to cheat, she will find a way.
The purpose of setting this framework is not to block her from cheating.
It’s to see how willing she is to be open and honest.
How To Be A Confident, Attractive Man SHE Can Trust
Insecurity, distrust, being a helicopter husband – those traits must end for there to be improvement!
My Masculine Confidence Framework is being used by men all over the world to gain attractive mojo.
You can take the first step to restoring trust after her affair by becoming a version 2.0 of yourself.
A version who is secure, has standards, and knows his worth.
You can’t force your wife to be faithful, but you can heal the hurt and desperation you feel about her actions.
Until you can calm your own storm, you’re not in a position to make clear choices for your marriage.
Your wife won’t be able to trust YOU if panic is your guide.