How many times has your wife said, “stop trying to fix me,” and you weren’t even trying to fix her? Every man experiences this. It can be so confusing! I’ll break down what’s happening. It really boils down to how men and women process emotions differently.
Your Wife Says, “Stop Trying To Fix Me” When She Needs Your Presence
Men have one emotional goal: To feel free from emotions.
For us, freedom from emotions equals peace and happiness.
Men and women feel the same emotions.
But for the guy, our immediate instinct is to figure out how to make uncomfortable feelings go away.
Our male brain searches for the shortest path back to happiness, and then we feel an undeniable urge to take that path.
Think of it like stepping outside and realizing it’s cold.
Feeling cold makes you miserable, so you put a coat on.
Problem fixed!
You’re free from feeling miserable, so now you’re happy again.
But for women, their happiness comes from swimming around in a range of feelings.
It makes her feel ALIVE.
Just listen in on a group of ladies having coffee sometime.
Nothing is solved; only feelings are shared.
And I’ve never heard a lady say to another lady, “Stop trying to fix me”.
She finds it more meaningful to talk about the FEELING than the problem.
A present man sets the “problem” aside in his mind.
He tunes into his feelings.
He tunes into her feelings.
Without trying to change them, he offers presence and empathy.
Your Wife Wants To Feel An Emotional Range
Feminine craves to feel the “swoosh” of going from down to up…This means she first has to go down.. and possibly sideways… then possibly down some more… then do a hard left.. then go back up…(maybe).
But “up” for her isn’t always to a feeling of happiness.
She might want to feel the “up” of voicing how cold she feels until every fiber of her body (and all bystanders) are fully engrossed in the magnitude of the cold she’s experiencing.
The “experience” of being cold might be all she wants to process for the moment.
If you try to change that feeling, she’ll probably say, “Stop trying to fix me”.
You coming along and offering your answer to her problem is just a slap to her face.
She lives in a constant world of feelings.
Feelings are her identity.
You make her feel broken when you try to explain how her feelings could be different.
Just look at the movies women love.
There’s death, birth, heartbreak, scandal, and happy-ever-after all in the same film.
Your wife wants to feel it ALL.
How To NOT Fix Her When She Says, “Stop Trying To Fix Me”
Here’s a real-life example that will make your wife say, “Stop trying to fix me”.
Let’s say she wears high heels every weekend.
She comes home complaining of a blister on her toe every Sunday.
Your male brain starts to analyze the problem.
So you tell her, “Wear some different shoes next time“.
Wrong answer!
She’ll find more meaning in talking about how bad blisters hurt versus actually changing her shoes.
“Ya blisters suck”, is the only thing she’s craving to hear from you.
Here is the skill to learn: Be comfortable sitting with uncomfortable feelings.
On the off chance she says, “I keep getting blisters, what do you think I should do?” then, by all means, dish out exactly what will fix the problem for her!
If she doesn’t ask, keep the secret sauce to yourself.
The way women are wired is what it is.
When she says, “stop trying to fix me,” she’s really saying, “Please understand how I feel, nothing else”.
So long as we find ourselves attracted to these sexy creatures from Venus, acceptance is our only choice.
Keep in mind how we men are wired seems just as strange to HER, so the trade-off is equal.
How To Be A Man She Feels Safe Enough To Open Up To
If you only listen to the “problem” every time your wife opens up, she’ll eventually stop sharing.
She’ll say, “Stop trying to fix me,” when you try to have a conversation.
At the same time, you don’t have to sit through every single feeling your wife throws at you.
There are limits to what you allow yourself to endure.
Suffering to make a woman happy is self-abuse.
There’s a BIG difference between a woman spewing through her emotion with you, vs at you.
There are millions of people she can direct her cannon at, and the guy who gets her naked and gives her orgasms doesn’t need to be one of them.
In fact, allowing her to take an immature tone with you in the name of “venting” might be why she’s no longer letting you get her naked.
A self-respecting man sets the tone for the relationship by having clear limits on how he’s spoken to.
It’s called having boundaries.
Without boundaries, your wife will struggle to respect you.
Your boundaries are not meant to protect how you feel.
They are meant to protect what you VALUE.
I help men do this every day.