If your wife is unhappy in your marriage and she just said, “I’m done,” you’re probably wondering what that means and if there’s hope. Below is a story based on true events. If you can relate to the story, pay special attention to the two mistakes you do not want to make right now.
She Said, “I’m Done” – The Honest Truth
When your wife said, “I’m done,” she meant it 100%.
I’ve interviewed many divorced women.
Here’s what they tell me…
When she said, I’m done,” she had been thinking about ending the marriage for at least the last two years.
You might feel blindsided, but it’s old news for her.
Here moods and irrational behaviors over the last few years?
To her, those were not immaturity or negativity.
I know hearing this isn’t what you want.
Trust me, feeling “done” is not what your wife wants to feel either.
She wishes she could feel how she used to feel towards you.
But she can’t find the feeling inside her.
Not right now.
Women find a sense of loyalty and honor in following their feelings.
For her, it feels like infidelity to stay in a relationship with someone she doesn’t have feelings for.
But think about it…
You’re over the current version, too.
You’ve both settled.
Placated.
You deserve better (and so does she).
The painful part is that you will have to let her go if she is to ever come back.
When you don’t honor her request to end the relationship, she feels you are against her, not for her.
No amount of trying harder will impress her at this point.
It’s too little too late for marriage counseling and date nights.
If you oppose her desire to separate, it sends the message that you don’t value her best interest or her feelings.
If you dismiss her words as not being serious, she’ll say things like, “You’re not hearing me”, “I hate that you always try to control me,” or “You’re not seeing me for who I am”.
For the woman, she’s thinking, “How could any self-respecting man stay with a woman who doesn’t love him or treat him well??”
She knows she hasn’t been a loving, affectionate, committed wife lately… and trust me, she hates herself for it.
As bleak as this sounds, there is hope!
Are you wondering what makes a woman circle back??
Just keep reading…
Michael & Tracy Meet A Crossroad
As the sun dipped beneath the horizon, casting a warm glow across the landscape, Michael and Tracy drove home from what should have been a memorable vacation.
However, the journey had turned sour, with tension steadily mounting between them.
Their bickering started over something trivial, but soon escalated into a heated argument about their future together.
Words were said that neither really meant, and emotions ran high for Michael when she said, “I’m done, I want a divorce.”
Stunned and hurt, Michael tried to keep his composure as he focused on the road.
He stole glances at Tracy, her tear-streaked face turned away from him.
He felt a growing sense of panic.
The weight of her words bore heavily on him, the thought of losing her causing his heart to ache.
Michael desperately wanted to get this tension resolved.
He pressed Tracy with questions like, “Why didn’t you say something sooner so we could have worked it out? Does everything I’ve sacrificed mean nothing to you? Why can’t you let me love you?”
They drove in silence for what felt like an eternity, each lost in their thoughts and struggling to find a way to bridge the divide that had grown between them.
The drive home, which should have been a time of bonding and sharing memories, had become a painful reminder of their crumbling 10-year relationship.
Later that night, as the world outside turned dark and quiet, Michael found himself unable to sleep.
He tossed and turned, his mind tormented by the memory of Tracy’s words.
Seeking a semblance of hope, he opened his laptop and started browsing Airbnb listings for their next vacation.
He presented his findings to Tracy with excitement, hoping to reignite their shared love for travel.
However, Tracy responded with fury, insisting that he wasn’t listening to her.
The confusion in Michael’s eyes mirrored the turmoil within him.
He couldn’t comprehend the sudden shift in her emotions.
Hadn’t she just snuggled up to him when they crawled into bed a few hours earlier?
Love and emotions are complex, and in the depths of Tracy’s heart, the turmoil was far from simple.
She felt torn, her emotions swirling in a tempest of hurt and longing.
The earlier cuddle had been a desperate attempt to hold on to the love they once had, to feel a fleeting connection amidst the chaos.
The pain and confusion intensified for Michael, unable to decipher the mixed signals he received.
He yearned for the woman he loved, yet he felt powerless to mend the shattered pieces of their relationship.
Over the next few weeks, Michael scheduled marriage counseling sessions, emailed his wife articles about relationship improvement, and had many long talks about “the relationship” with Tracy.
This only made matters worse.
Within 3 months, Tracy filed for divorce.
Don’t Press For “Why” If She Said, “I’m Done”
I said earlier that there are some mistakes you want to avoid.
Here’s the first: Don’t press your wife for…
- WHY she feels unattracted
- WHY she’s “done”
- Or WHY the marriage is crumbling.
I’m a man like you, and I know exactly why you want to know “why”… because you want to fix it!
Fixing “problems” in a relationship has never saved a marriage.
Problems are symptoms, not causes!
The root issue is that both you and your wife have a FEELING you don’t like.
You can’t wag a dog by wagging its tail.
A happy dog wags its own tail.
Two people building their own happiness apart from each other and then rejoining to SHARE in each other’s happy lives creates a healthy marriage.
Your wife’s happiness is her own journey to figure out.
Right now, your insecurities, fear of loneliness, anxiety, and lack of confidence are YOUR journey to figure out.
Behind 99% of unpleasant feelings is insecurity.
Resolving insecurity saves many marriages.
Take Sex Off The Table If She Said, “I’m Done”
This is the 2nd mistake that’s easy to make.
You think hot, passionate sex will make her love you gain.
Giving back rubs…teasing her erogenous zones… lighting candles…none of these acts of seduction will restore your wife’s desire for you!
Women only feel sexual desire when they feel attraction for you.
For her, attraction doesn’t come from long kisses and more lube.
Her attraction is like a flower.
With the right environment in place… the right sun, the right soil, the right timing, the right energy (a whole host of things) her attraction opens!
That’s why saving marriages is a game of inches, not a single act of undying love.
Right now, the soil in your marriage is a desert.
She can’t force herself to open to you sexually when she’s a parched flower.
So what sort of things does a woman need to feel attraction in a long-term relationship?
She needs to FEEL you have:
- Safety
- Trust
- Space
- Strength
- Adventure
- Excitement
- Mystery
- Emotional Range
- Value
- Relaxation
- Newness
- Heart
- Boundaries
- Self-Control
- Power
- Empathy
- Courage
…And that’s just the start.
Feel overwhelmed?
Don’t be.
You demonstrated these traits when you first met her…naturally!
They are already inside you.
Disappointment and resentment are making it hard to act on them.
But even if you demonstrate these traits 100% tonight, she won’t feel attraction until she feels them consistently over a long period of time.
Your marriage did not end up on the rocks overnight; you will not get the marriage back on track overnight.
When she said, “I’m done”, it was a cry for relief.
It could take 6 months… it could take 6 years.
Eventually her emotions calm down, the pain fades into the background, and the good memories rise back to the surface.
The question glaring in your face is: what are you going to do with this time?
Mark Manson’s article, “Why the Best Things in Life Must Be Let Go” explains how forcing what you want is akin to beating quicksand…resisting only expediates the end!
You can resist divorce all you want, but once she said, “I’m done,” that resistance won’t save the marriage.
Most of the men I know who saved their marriage had to first be ok with losing it.
How Things Turned Out For Michael
Despite a soul-crushing divorce, Michael’s determination to improve himself as a man kept him going.
He sought the mentorship of an old friend named Bill, who had already walked this road.
Bill helped Michael stay focused on what was 100% in his control.
Change seemed slow at first, but as the months went by, Michael felt a new kind of power growing in him.
The man he allowed himself to be in the marriage (sexually needy, defensive, irritated, and blameless) was nowhere close to the man he knew he was meant to be.
Michael’s confidence increased.
He walked taller.
His self-esteem came back.
Michael found he could relax his reactions when faced with feminine emotions and lead women out of their heads with his calm empathy.
In time, women took notice…Even his ex-wife!
By now, some time had passed since she said, “I’m done”
24 months to be exact.
And by now, Michael was a new man.
Tracy was also a new woman!
She realized after spending many months away from Michael that most of her hurt and pain was not because of him.
She, too, faced her own triggers and matured as a woman.
A new relationship formed between them.
It was like getting to know each other again for the first time.
What To Do Once You Let Her Go
I work with men every day to help them become the attractive, confident, happy man they love to be.
It’s only in seasons without feminine support that you reach your next level of maturity.
When you level up with your new mojo, women take notice.
Sometimes, that woman is your separated wife.
What we should have done the moment she said, “I’m done,” was take all our pain, anger, and sadness AWAY from the relationship and into our support group.
When guys start mentorship with me, the first thing they gain is access to is an incredible group of men who will support them no matter what.
Many men reach a point of growth where they realize the woman they once cherished may not align with their new, amazing life.
I help men get clear on their values, purpose, and mission so they have a clear answer to give their wife if…scratch that…WHEN she circles back.
Your story has no negative ending when you level up to being a confident, happy man who creates an amazing life!
I guarantee the best is yet to come when you use this time to grow as a man.
Let’s cool your frantic anxiety & give you the best shot for a marriage 2.0 even if she said, “I’m done”.