I usually show men a few slides when they reach out for a consultation. I want them to understand the 5 crucial stages to lasting love so they don’t waste time trying to fix the wrong things. I decided to put these slides in this article so they can help more men. The following video is a presentation of the slides where I go into more depth.
Many men feel alone and uncertain about what to do to help their marriage.
The more we get to know other men, we quickly realize we’re all in the same boat, experiencing similar relationship dynamics.
I want to give full credit to Dr. Jed Diamond for introducing me to the 5 crucial stages to lasting love.
Based on my marriage and the many men I’ve helped, I’ve adjusted these stages to what I’ve seen most guys (and myself) experience.
I’ve also added more information about what women specifically experience when they’re questioning if they married the wrong man.
The 5 Crucial Stages To Lasting Love
Here’s what I see as the 5 stages every marriage goes through:
- New Relationship Stage
- Monogamous Stage
- Bonded partner Stage
- Disillusionment Stage
- Long-Term Love Stage
It’s important to recognize which stage we’re currently in so we can make the right choices.
Each of these seasons needs something different to add spark and love back into the relationship.
For example, limiting contact with our partner in the new relationship season will make her miss us whereas doing the same in the disillusionment season will make her glad to get a break from us.
This is why we can’t apply relationship advice from random YouTube videos and expect our marriage to improve.
Another example is having a date night, even if it’s just to check a box, usually fosters a closer relationship with our wife during the monogamous season.
But, if we’re planning dates just to check a box during the bonded partner season, the date in itself won’t do much.
This is because by the bonded partner stage, she needs a deeper emotional connection to happen during the date for it to be impactful for her.
How Each Stage Progresses
A new relationship season swamps our brains in dopamine.
A simple touch or eye gaze feels electric and sensual.
However, women feel a lot more fear daily than men do.
When we start getting affectionate with a girl we like, she soon wants to know, “What are we?”.
Most of us guys settle her fear by assuring her we no longer are pursuing other girls, and SHE is our girlfriend.
Making her our girlfriend can calm her relationship anxiety for a few years at most.
Eventually, she brings up her next fear: “Are we going to tie the knot?”
We men tend to keep resolving her fears as they come up.
After the proposal, we’re addressing where we’ll live, if we’ll have kids, if we’ll have chickens, etc.
Once we put a ring on her finger and settle all these fears, most men start coasting through life.
We behave as if we can’t lose her.
Because we’ve been having lots of sex, the release of oxytocin has suppressed the dopamine in our brains, so we feel more like a bonded family than honeymoon lovers.
We have become highly domesticated, abandoning the majority of our hobbies, friendships, and freedoms for her and the family.
We are at our lowest point of attractiveness during this stage.
Many women have a midlife crisis at this point since life feels like it isn’t going anywhere.
Welcome to the disillusionment stage, where both the husband and wife question if they married the wrong person.
Her 5 Stages Of Disillusionment
Here are the 5 stages I see women go through once they enter the disillusionment stage:
- Self Improvement Stage
- Checking Out Stage
- I’m Not In Love With You Stage
- I Need Space Stage
- I’m Done Stage
Most of us totally missed the warning signs of the self-improvement stage.
She started doing more work around the house… She tried initiating sex more…Maybe she started going to therapy or the gym.
It’s easy to perceive her self-improvement stage like she’s finally getting her stuff figured out!
What’s really happening is she’s giving the marriage one last shot.
Taking the lead in a relationship like this isn’t natural for her, and as a result, she often experiences burnout.
Once she burns out, she checks out.
This stage is easy to miss since we think the marriage is improving when she stops putting up a stink about us.
What we do normally notice over this time is we’re only getting obligation sex from her.
Women only complain about things they care about.
A healthy, normal marriage will have a woman who gives a lot of hoots about what she doesn’t like in the relationship.
The ship starts to sink fast once she checks out because not long after she’ll say the words, “I love you but I’m not in love with you“.
If the man continues to be the same guy he’s always been in the relationship, divorce is on the horizon.
The path to divorce starts off with her needing space.
During this season, she’ll no longer let us be in the room when she changes her clothes, she’s making plans or traveling without us more, and spending most weekends away from the house.
She’ll want to sleep separately and eventually will want to get her own place.
Once you’ve heard the words, “I’m done” there is only a 4% chance the marriage can be turned around without divorce being involved.
The time frame from the “self-improvement stage” to the “I’m done” stage is usually about 2 years.
I have met men where it took 10 years, but that isn’t the norm.
I also know several guys who were very confused by how passionate the sex was after she said, “I love you but I’m not in love with you”.
What’s happening is she’s trying to find release for the intense emotions boiling in her.
This is why we can’t use sex as a gauge for marriage repair.
What most of us experience over this time is “the ice queen”.
Her closed-off, icey moods are like a zombie version of who we knew our wife to be in years past.
How You Can Take Charge Of The 5 Stages To Lasting Love
We can’t talk our way out of something we behaved ourselves into.
If I told you exactly how to act when your wife is being an ice queen, you would win the battle but lose the war.
If I coached you on how to lead your wife out of her head and into her heart, we would only be addressing a symptom, not a root cause.
There is a deeper work to do.
Many coaches are only helping men go from point A to point B.
I do transformational coaching so that you can self-coach, self-source confidence, and be self-assured that you are making the right choice 100% of the time.
I compare it to teaching someone how to shop for food vs how to grow their own food…Which guy do you think will confidently survive an apocalypse?
If you’re ready to step up and lead the 5 crucial stages to lasting love, fill out my “Get Grounded Now” form.
I promise you’ll have a better sense of what to do after we talk.
Be grounded brother,
Garrett Prettyman
Schedule your free Masculine Confidence Call and get tailored guidance using the Masculine Confidence Framework™.
Or, check out my free eBook on how to restore passionate intimacy.
Stay grounded, brother.
Garrett Prettyman
Founder of the Masculine Confidence Framework™
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