When conflict triggers you more than others, your nervous system is holding onto some things from the past, memories you might not even remember. If your mouth goes dry when you try to stand up for yourself, or your hands shake when someone raises their voice, this article is for you.
How Your Nervous System Stores Emotional Memories
When we’re born, we don’t have emotional triggers.
A baby doesn’t know that a dog can bite or that hot things can burn.
But as life goes on, your brain stores emotional experiences.
Every painful event leaves an imprint on the nervous system.
- Rejection
- Humiliation
- Betrayal
- Conflict
Your brain remembers those moments because its job is to protect you from future harm.
So when a situation in the present resembles something painful from the past, your nervous system reacts as if the original threat is happening again.
I’ve watched men walk right into the middle of conflict and almost enjoy the challenge.
Part of me respects how they seem so fearless.
But for me, all it takes is blue lights in my rearview mirror and my palms sweat.
My nervous system equates “getting in trouble” with loss of basic human needs like support, understanding, love, and belonging.
And that loss would make anyone’s palms sweat.
Our triggers boil down to how love and belonging were gained (or lost) as a kid.
Conflict Triggers You More Than Others Because Love Was Conditional As A Child
Imagine a man whose wife cheated on him years ago.
Even if he has moved on logically, his nervous system may still associate intimacy with betrayal.
So when a new partner pulls away emotionally, his body reacts immediately because the old memory has been activated.
The subconscious doesn’t distinguish very well between:
- Something happening now
- Something that happened years ago
Between ages 1-5, your brain formed beliefs about how you gain or lose love.
Those beliefs live in your subconscious, so you might not even remember them.
But when your angry neighbor yells at you, and you feel your mouth go dry, you can bet your nerves remember.
It remembers the time your mom left you at Sunday school, and you cried, clinging to her leg because you were scared to be alone with strangers.
It remembers the time your dad yelled at you when you didn’t brush your teeth, or when he saw you having a bad day, but never asked if you were ok.
Now, conflict triggers you more than others because it doesn’t signal potential for understanding; it signals being stripped of the basic human needs for survival.
Facing Enemies
You can measure a person’s emotional maturity by how well they remain open to new perspectives when faced with opposing views.
Even if you disagree with a person, something good can be gained by working through your differences and finding a 3rd option you can both agree to.
That is, until you meet a malevolent person.
A malevolent person will intentionally exploit and abuse you for their own gain.
As a kid, you might have learned that flawless obedience regained the love you lost from your mom for not cleaning your room.
Or maybe you learned to fix what your father broke during his angry tirades to avoid a second angry tirade.
When this kid becomes an adult, he will default to people pleasing when he thinks he’s “in trouble”.
It’s like a knee-jerk response to befriend and stroke the ego of his opponent to stay in his favor.
This is very dangerous when your opponent is a malevolent person.
Evil people must be met with clear boundaries, lawyers, and guns, not your likable personality.
For your safety (and the ones you love), you need to resolve why conflict triggers you more than others to keep evil people in check.
Facing the Memory Instead of Avoiding It
You can revisit the original subconscious memory creating your feelings.
Ask yourself: “When did I first feel this feeling?”
Your subconscious can’t speak in words; it uses images.
A picture flashes in your mind, or a recurring dream points you to the first encounter.
Ask yourself: “What did I need in that moment but didn’t get?”
- Maybe you needed strength
- Maybe you needed someone to stand up for you.
- Maybe you needed reassurance that you were worthy and respected.
Your subconscious often reveals exactly what was missing.
That thing you needed (that didn’t happen) is exactly what you need to be creating in your life today as an adult.
Reintegrating the Parts of Yourself That Were Left Behind
Trauma often leaves part of a person psychologically frozen in a past experience.
Healing involves bringing that part of yourself back into the present that was disowned.
That version who could have spoken up, stood up, or fought back – but didn’t.
There are 3 ways to reintegrate that part of yourself:
- Relive the past experience in your imagination, being who you wish you had been
- Journal the traumatic event from your past, but change the story to provide what you needed most
- Start being NOW who you wish you had been, but not from negative emotion or reaction – be that person with awareness and love
When journaling or using your imagination, you have to FEEL the new story for it to sink into your subconscious.
If you needed Batman to step in and save you from your father’s beating, then FEEL how it would be to get saved from your dad by Batman.
Remember, your subconscious stores whatever you put in it, even if you change the narrative, so long as it’s mixed with strong FEELINGS.
And that narrative is where your feelings come from when conflict triggers you more than others.
As this reintegration happens, something interesting occurs.
The same situations that once triggered overwhelming reactions begin to lose their power.
That’s because your nervous system no longer feels trapped in the past.
Becoming Emotionally Unshakeable
Every man eventually faces betrayal, rejection, or loss.
Nothing in life lasts forever.
If you don’t learn the integration process, your list of triggers grows through the years until you are carrying around a heavy bag of them.
Nobody can set that bag down for you.
People can’t stop sucking because conflict triggers you more than others.
Not even your parents can give you what you need because your beliefs live in YOU, not them.
Guided meditations helped me a lot to rewire how my brain thinks about rejection, conflict, and emotions.
I’ve recorded a few meditations based on what worked for me; click HERE to get them.
Or, check out my book on Healing Grief Post Break-Up.
Both resources will help you put yourself back together when you feel easily triggered or abandoned by the loss of love.
If your marriage is struggling and everything you do just seems to push her further away, reach out.
