Below is a video from a recent conversation I had with master coach Sven Masterson. I highly recommend Sven’s community and mentorship. Click his name to see the content he has about men, marriage, sex, and relationships. This article will outline exactly how I got my happiness back after my wife’s affair. I promise you’ll find value in listening to my discussion with Sven as well.
My Wife’s Affair:
My August Saturday started off as usual.
Stacks of book work needed my attention.
Being self-employed required me to do the job description of 5 employees.
It had been this way for years
My wife and I were ghosts in passing.
This summer was different though.
The few times we were home together, she acted like I didn’t exist.
She hadn’t wanted sex in weeks.
Most weekends she would go out with friends and not come home for days.
On this Saturday, my wife was home.
I was being mopey.
I dropped a few comments about how nice it would be if she would stay home more.
Since we both had the day off, I hoped we could at least spend the morning together.
I sat down at my desk to do the bookwork.
What happened next changed my entire life.
She sat down on the couch beside me and said “I have feelings for someone else“.
I died that day. My heart was ripped out. I cried for days. I stopped eating. I couldn’t get out of bed. My will to live was gone. My wife’s affair tore me apart.
Fast Forward To Now:
- I’ve created a life I love!
- Live location independent
- Spend part of the season deep in the mountains
- Ceder trees, creeks, fireplaces, and coffee are all normal parts of my day
- I create connection anytime I want it
- Have several homes in different states
- Have the deep love, sex, intimacy, and relationships I want
- No longer dependent on women to feel good or “get luckyâ€
- No longer addicted to porn
- Experience the things I love everyday
Watch this video to hear about 10 key attributes I had to develop as a man to create a life that attracts what I love after my wife’s affair:
How I Created Happiness In Spite Of My Wife’s Affair
Step 1: STOP old behaviors
Step 2: Grieve the loss (go through all 5 stages)
Step 3: Develop new mindsets
Step 4: Develop new behaviors
Step 5. Develop new ways of communicating
Step 6. Look forward, then invite
STOP…
In my Ebook The Devastated Man’s Marriage 1st Aid Revival Pack I list 26.5 things to immediately STOP doing when your wife cheats or has an affair. Continuing these behaviors pretty much guarantees your life will be miserable. These behaviors also increase the odds of divorce.
STOP things like:
- Checking her phone.
- Tracking her location.
- Begging, bargaining, pleading.
- Trying to win her back with flowers and love notes.
Chasing = Loosing
Develop New Mindsets…
- Your FEAR of divorce (not divorce itself) will PREVENT a new, better relationship from growing. Understand divorce papers don’t keep you apart any better than the marriage certificate kept you together.
- Realize she didn’t cheat because you’re a bad husband. She cheated because she’s unhappy with who she’s allowed herself to become in the relationship. Even if you’re the worst husband in the world, cheating was her choice.
- See her as doing the best she can with the brain she has. In her mind, everything she’s done is justifiable based on how she perceives things. You can’t expect more than that from anyone.
- Understand your pain comes from your perceptions, not her actions.
- Get crystal clear about your values and boundaries. Write down the consequences for those boundaries. Your boundaries are NOT meant to control her. They should NOT be created out of fear, anxiety or insecurity. They are intended to define the borders of what YOU want to experience and what YOU will continue to give YOUR energy to.
- Let her feel the sting of her choices.
Develop New Ways Of Communicating…
- Use statements, not questions with her.
- Listen for emotion words when she talks. Connect with those emotion words.
- Don’t defend, explain, justify, or get defensive about your intentions.
- Do more listening than talking…Drop the mic.
- Talk your frustrations out with your man support group, not her family or friends.
Look Forward, Then Invite…
- Get laser-focused on your life mission beyond your wife and family.
- Face your uncomfortable edges where you’ve been playing small.
- Know exactly what your amazing future smells, tastes, feels and sounds like.
- Say “hell yes†to what aligns to your amazing future and “hell no†to what doesn’t.
TRUST IS THE CORE ISSUE TO ADDRESS WHEN SHE CHEATS OR HAS AN AFFAIR
- First, trust in yourself has to be developed before engaging her. Trust in your intentions. Trust in your ability to create a happy day. Trust you can manage your own emotions. Trust in your ability to detach from her moods.
- Second, She must show trustablity through consistency.
- Third, she has to show true remorse for her affair.
- Fourth, YOU must extend trust to her.
Frame How She Can Gain Your Trust
Trust is a mutual experience between one person being trustable and the other extending trust. Masculine energy establishes “frames†so she knows exactly how to gain your trust.
1. “Frame†what you need from her to regain trust.
2. “Frame†How long you need her to do this
3. “Frame†the course of action you will take to manage your own insecurities, fears, and anxiety.
Once I got clear on my boundaries and values, I lovingly removed myself from my wife’s life. I went from being willing to chop my arm off to save my marriage to boldly standing on my operating principles to ensure my happiness.
If I had found a mentor before my wife’s affair, would my marriage have turned out differently?
There is no way to know.
What I can tell you is everything I’ve created since then is because I had a man by my side coaching me along the way.
This is what I offer men.
I can show you exactly how to use the tools you need to create the relationships you want.
Some things only “click†when another man gives it to you straight.
Get Your Happiness Back Today
Rather than waiting for my wife to change so I could have an amazing life, I created an amazing life not dependent on her. My new life has attracted what I want!
Are you ready to have a man in your corner to show you the ropes? Fill out my Contact Form and lets have a talk. It’s free. No strings, no snake oil. See how coaching can make you into the man you want to be.
Schedule your free Masculine Confidence Call and get tailored guidance using the Masculine Confidence Framework™.
Or, check out my free eBook on how to restore passionate intimacy.
Stay grounded, brother.
Garrett Prettyman
Founder of the Masculine Confidence Framework™
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