Secret# 6: Sex Isn’t A Gauge For Marriage Repair. This is part six in my series of 6 dangerously effective marriage-saving secrets. I help extraordinary men create long-lasting love, deeper connection, intimacy, respect, and authentic affection through personalized masculine confidence coaching. These secrets are field-tested. They’ll bring lasting positive change in your relationships.
(Use these links to see secrets ONE, TWO, THREE, FOUR & FIVE)
If sex isn’t a gauge for marriage repair, then what is? Toward the end of this article, I’ll give five goals to measure marriage progress. First, I’ll share some common dynamics I see men do (myself included) when trying to determine the health of a relationship.
How Relationships Tend To Start
Nick and Christine met during the spring.
Nick’s sense of humor and carefree energy were enticing for Christine.
Christine’s strong will and enthusiasm for life were refreshing for Nick.
Banter was easy.
Fun, playful teasing bounced between them constantly.
Their teasing and joking moved to deeper connection within a few weeks.
By fall, small spats and satire between them would quickly turn into tussles under the sheets and fun, wild sex.
Their relationship had slowly grown over the months.
This didn’t feel like a casual encounter for Nick.
He wanted to commit to Christine for the long haul.
Nick and Christine:
- Married and bought a house.
- Got a dog, chickens, and a duck
- Dedicated themselves to their careers to fund their dreams
- Enjoyed domestic life together
- Delighted in intimate sex regularly
As the years went by, Christine no longer responded as positively to Nick’s sarcasm or witty comments.
His teasing that used to get her all hot and bothered now seemed to annoy and frustrate her.
Tonight, Nick was hoping he could get her aroused.
Christine was laid back in bed, playing a game on her phone when she glanced up and said “Don’t do that. Is sex all you think about?â€.
Andrew was lying next to her and had just scooted up to spoon.
His lips were still pressed to her neck where he had given her a soft kiss.
“Well, we’ve only had sex like four times this summerâ€, Nick Complained.
Christine countered back, “I need some emotional foreplay before I can feel turned onâ€.
“Emotional foreplayâ€â€¦ This was a term Nick heard from Christine many times over the last few years.
It sounded like BS as far as he was concerned.
Andrew felt sure the only problem in their relationship was the lack of sex.
Did they need to be more intentional and put sex on the calendar?
Did Christine need to go to therapy so she could feel desire again?
Going long periods without sex felt lonely for Nick.
More sexual intimacy seemed like the perfect fix for their problems!
Nick had been complaining about this to Christine for over a year.
He felt like she was ruining their marriage by keeping her legs closed.
Why Sex Isn’t A Gauge To Marriage Repair
Sex does not determine if your marriage is improving because sex is only one of four layers of intimacy.
Many men are more focused on regaining sex with their partner than on dealing with underlying issues.
There’s a logical reason for this: Sex opens a man’s heart.
Living from an open heart feels good!
In contrast, a woman’s heart is opened by her man’s heart, not sex.
The leadership of initiating an open heart within yourself (even in the absence of sex) is necessary for intimacy in long-term relationships.
The reason is simple: her body can’t “turn on†unless her heart is opened by your heart.
Do Women Stop Liking Sex Later In Relationships?
A woman’s desire for sex vs liking sex with you isn’t one and the same for her.
Husbands worldwide have been shocked to find out their wife was having an affair when he thought she had lost her sex drive years ago.
Many times, we men assume what turned our wife on in the past still should.
We mistakenly equate her turning down our sexual advances as her not desiring it.
What we need to know is women are an extension of mother nature.
She births change into this life.
She is constantly leaving one season and moving into another.
The same is also true of her sexuality.
In my eBook “The Sexless Husbands Guide To Intimacy Through Attraction”, I explain the five different “seasons†your relationship will go through. I also explain what you can do to ignite her passion at each stage.Â
In short, your masculine energy in a relationship needs to provide your wife with space to be who she is right now (without taking it personally).
A man who can enjoy where his wife is right now exudes an attractive energy.
You can lead her to depths she can’t get to on her own when you’re able to connect with her mentally, emotionally, and spiritually in the present moment.
If Sex Isn’t A Gauge For Marriage Repair, What Is?
Here are 5 goals to gauge your marriage progress by:
- Consistently live up to your standards and boundaries for yourself (and feel good about it)
- Let her moods (and your triggers) wash over you without feeling a need to do anything with them
- Choose a mindset of high regard whenever she doesn’t make sense
- Live like a happily divorced man
- Remain calm and unperturbed when she tests you.
Notice that “she’s being nicer and responding to me more sweetly†is not on the list.
Females only show their rough emotions to those they WANT to trust and respect.
In all honesty, Women tend to keep the full entre of their emotions hidden from you in the early stages of a relationship (Even she struggles to see what’s attractive about the storms inside her).
If your wife of many years is suddenly opening Pandora’s box of emotion with you, get happy!
She’s wanting to feel safe with you again.
She’s testing to make sure you’re solid.
How You Can Address Underlying Issues Preventing Sex Right Now
There isn’t enough space in these articles to give you what you need.
Even if I tried, a blog post isn’t the same as someone actively engaging with you.
If you’ve been feeding off the tip of the “marriage help†iceberg I want to challenge you to go all in.
The work of becoming the man you want to be is a deep dive.
It’s intense.
As your mentor, I will notice and challenge your weak spots so you can improve.
It’s like boot camp where you might question if you can keep going.
Fill out my contact form if you would like a personal consultation about being mentored.
This could be the best thing you’ve ever done for your relationship and family.
Nick Came To Understand That Sex Isn’t A Gauge For Marriage Repair
Nick’s story is one of hope.
He learned happiness comes from within you, not from others.
He joined a group of men who were intentional about being more loving, confident, emotionally skilled husbands.
These men helped Nick understand that “no†for sex was an invitation to meet Christine where she was.
He learned to lead emotional, mental, and spiritual intimacy with her by learning how to lead it in himself.
These experiences softened Christine.
She wanted to melt into physical intimacy with Nick again.
Although Nick enjoyed having more sex in his marriage, he now knows sex is not a gauge to marriage progress.
He’s gained clarity about his ways of “being†that make him happy.
How well he’s living up to his own standards is his new gauge.
When Nick takes action as a man who loves himself, his confidence and vulnerable character are a turn-on for Christine.
Believe the same life can be created by you brother.
Be strong,
Garrett Prettyman
Schedule your free Masculine Confidence Call and get tailored guidance using the Masculine Confidence Framework™.
Or, check out my free eBook on how to restore passionate intimacy.
Stay grounded, brother.
Garrett Prettyman
Founder of the Masculine Confidence Framework™
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