I’m here to warn you that sex won’t save your marriage when your wife asks for space or says she’s done. This is part six in my series of 6 dangerously effective marriage-saving secrets. (Use these links to see secrets ONE, TWO, THREE, FOUR & FIVE) Here’s secret #6: Sex isn’t a gauge for marriage repair.
I’ve coached many men who’s wife gave in for sex towards the end of their marriage.
The physical intimacy made matters WORSE.
Here desire to leave was only amplified.
That’s why sex won’t save your marriage.
She’s not a dude.
She needs something very different.
Let’s look at how the relationship got to this point so you understand.
How Relationships Tend To Start
Nick and Christine met in the spring.
Nick’s sense of humor and carefree energy enticed Christine.
Christine’s strong will and enthusiasm for life refreshed Nick.
Banter was easy.
They were fun and playful together.
Their teasing and joking moved to a deeper connection within a few weeks.
By fall, they had small spats, but nothing a tussle under the sheets couldn’t fix.
Their relationship grew over the following months.
This felt like more than a casual encounter for Nick.
He wanted to commit to Christine for the long haul.
Nick and Christine:
- Married and bought a house.
- Got a dog, chickens, and a duck
- Dedicated themselves to their careers to fund their dreams
- Enjoyed domestic life together
- Delighted in intimate sex regularly
As the years went by, Christine no longer responded as positively to Nick’s sarcasm or witty comments.
His teasing used to get her all hot and bothered.
Now, it seemed to annoy and frustrate her.
Tonight, Nick hoped he could get her aroused.
Christine lay in bed, playing a game on her phone.
Nick spooned up to her.
She glanced up and said, “Don’t do that. Is sex all you think about?“
He pressed his lips to her neck, hoping to change her mind.
Christine pulled away.
“We’ve only had sex like once this month,” Nick complained.
“I need some emotional foreplay before I feel turned on,” Christine shot back.
Emotional foreplay… this was a term Nick hated to hear.
It sounded like BS as far as he was concerned.
Nick felt sure a lack of intimacy was the only problem in their relationship.
He had no clue that sex won’t save your marriage.
His mind raced.
Did they need to put sex on the calendar?
Did Christine need to go to therapy?
Going long periods without sex felt lonely for Nick.
More sexual intimacy seemed like the perfect fix for their problems!
Nick had been complaining about this to Christine for over a year.
He felt like she was ruining their marriage by keeping her legs closed.
Why Sex Won’t Save Your Marriage Of Many Years
For the first few years of marriage, sex just happens.
Hurts and dashed expectations haven’t accumulated yet.
A woman can’t simply shake off what’s eating at her.
In a long-term relationship, your wife needs more than kisses and passion.
She needs all 4 layers of intimacy (mental, emotional, spiritual, and physical).
That’s why sex won’t save your marriage if you’ve been together for a long time.
It’s easy to ignore this.
You just want to get to the good part where everyone climaxes!
There’s no avoiding the underlying issues if you want to bring intimacy back.
One of the hardest things for a man is to open his heart without sex.
Dam, it’s hard.
But that’s what you need to do right now.
Because your wife’s body opens to your heart, not your hard on.
You need to behave as a man who’s getting plenty of sex.
Do Women Always Lose Desire For Sex In Marriage?
For your wife, wanting sex and wanting sex with you are two different things.
Husbands worldwide have been shocked to discover their wife was having an affair while their marriage was sexless.
He assumed she had lost her sex drive.
What you need to know is that women are an extension of Mother Nature.
She is constantly leaving one season and moving into another.
The same is also true of her sexuality.
In my book, I explain the five different seasons your relationship goes through.
I also explain what you can do to ignite her passion at each stage.
For example, a date in stage 2 will get her juices going.
By stage 3, you’d better know how to lead a deeper connection on that date, or it will end flat.
In short, your masculine energy needs to mature as she moves into each stage.
Masculine is always attractive to feminine, but not when he’s acting immature.
Mature masculinity can give her space without taking it personally.
He can celebrate when she has a fun day with her friends, even if he wasn’t along.
She needs to feel you can celebrate her right where she is.
A man who can enjoy where his wife is right now feels attractive to her.
He knows how to lead the 4 levels of intimacy, especially emotional intimacy.
When he does, his presence feels like a magnet she can’t resist.
Sex Won’t Save Your Marriage, But Here’s What Can
Here are 5 goals to restore passionate intimacy in your marriage:
- Consistently live up to your standards and boundaries for yourself (and feel good about it)
- Let her moods (and your triggers) wash over you without reacting to them
- Choose a mindset of high regard whenever your wife doesn’t make sense
- Live like a happily divorced man
- Remain calm and unperturbed when she tests you.
Notice that being more agreeable and helping with dishes is not on the list.
Your wife only complains about these things when her emotional love tank is empty.
Feminine only shows her rough emotions to those she WANTS to trust and respect.
In all honesty, women tend to keep the full range of their emotions hidden from you in the early stages of a relationship.
Even she struggles to see what’s attractive about the storms she feels.
If your wife of many years suddenly opens Pandora’s box of emotions with you, get happy!
She wants to feel safe with you again.
She’s testing to see how you respond, hoping you’ll respond in a way she can respect.
How Nick Saved His Marriage
Nick’s story is one of hope.
He learned happiness comes from within you, not from others.
He joined a group of men who were intentional about being more loving, confident, and emotionally skilled.
These men helped Nick understand that the lack of sex was an invitation to meet Christine where she was.
He learned to lead emotional, mental, and spiritual intimacy with her by learning how to lead it in himself.
These experiences softened Christine.
She started opening up.
She wanted to spend more time with him.
After a few months, their sex was the best they had ever had.
On its own, sex won’t save your marriage, but how Nick handled it sure can!
How You Can Address Underlying Issues In Your Marriage
There isn’t enough space in these articles to give you what you need.
You need someone to actively engage with.
The work of becoming the man you want to be is a deep dive.
It’s intense.
I’m up for the challenge, are you?
This could be the best thing you’ve ever done for your relationship and family.