Accepting that your wife wants a divorce is tough. All you think about is how to stop her from leaving. Losing a person who is still alive hurts worse than a funeral. Many marriages can be saved, but not until you learn how to manage your heartache. This article explains 3 healthy ways to reduce the pain.
The Role Of Ego In An Intimate Relationship
The term “ego” seems to have a negative connotation.
We tend to think of ego as a narcissistic ass-hole with an over-inflated self-image.
However, a relationship is the joining of two (or more) lives into one interdependent family unit.
You cannot be “joined” to another emotionally, physically, mentally, or spiritually unless you are first separate from it.
What makes a co-dependent relationship toxic is that both are seeking completion through the other.
What makes an independent relationship toxic is that both are living like ghosts in passing, with zero overlap in life experiences.
In an interdependent relationship, both have a healthy sense of self (ego) so that neither suffocates the other.
Things like happiness, security, and confidence are not things to get from someone; they are things to share with them.
An ego that’s not fractured will feel safe, secure, confident, happy, and complete!
But when your wife wants divorce, the more your ego has been leaning on her for support, the more it will feel like you are free-falling.
What’s A Fractured Ego?
Your ego was born the first time the thought, “I am” popped into your brain as a child…
- I am fast
- I am funny
- I am smart
Knowing who you are creates your sense of ego.
Your ego fractures when you abandon part of yourself to minimize the risk of being shunned by a person or group. Your ego also fractures when you become enmeshed with someone, and then they back out of your life.
Human tendency is to replace the fracture with something…Anything! so that we can regain a sense of balance, safety, and routine in life.
This desperation to fill the void can be dangerous since human nature gravitates towards what’s familiar over something new or unknown.
When your wife wants divorce, your brain races down every possible worst outcome.
Those thoughts create feelings more intense than the imagined outcomes themselves.
Your ego is racing to try to find its certainty in face of the uncertainty.
This will feel like anxiety.
Your body needs extra sleep, water, rest, and exercise during this stage.
I guarantee you’ll feel better as time passes.
Especially if you can formulate a plan A and plan B to fall back on if the worst should happen.
Use your anxiety as fire under your butt to formulate your next steps.
Think Of Your Ego Like An Orange
An orange is made up of many slices.
Your identity as a couple, your position as spouse, your daily routine, and household activities – those all became who your ego knew you to be.
But what if your partner was emotionally abusive?
What if she was unkind, unfaithful, unwilling to emotionally connect, or to be intimate?
Your fractured ego will gravitate towards what’s familiar over what’s healthy.
For example, if you grew up with a father who never listened to you, you’ll gravitate towards people who don’t listen.
Why?
IF FEELS FAMILIAR.
New is scary.
Familiar feels safe.
Part of our self-development as men is to get clear on who we are and how we will self-reliantly fill the slices in our ego with new, healthy affirmations, routines, and people.
This means we’ll also get clear on what’s toxic that we’ve been enduring because it feels familiar.
It’s healthy to stay focused on what’s good about your wife while you’re in the marriage.
But when your wife leaves the relationship, you need to reckon with her negative traits.
Coming to terms with what WASN’T right about your partner helps you detach.
It helps you see reality and stop putting her on a pedestal.
If you keep telling yourselves that you’re losing your dream girl, you’re only delaying the healing of your heart
3 Steps To Reduce The Pain When She Wants Divorce
1: Stop holding other people responsible for your happiness.
You are not responsible for your wife’s happiness, and she isn’t responsible for yours. Let her off the hook! By definition, love is to ACCEPT something for what it is. If you really love your wife, you will not try to change her into the wife you think she should be. The saying is true, “If you love her, let her go”. But a lot of nice guys are not just tolerating annoying behaviors; they are tolerating straight-up abuse. Accepting your wife for who she is means you have clarity about whether she should be placed inside or outside the “wife” category in your life.
2: Establish a new, exciting routine that’s sustainable even if she never returns.
This one is easy to overthink. Routines are made of many small things. Things like running the dishwasher, where you store the toilet paper, and which side of the garage you park. It gives your life a pattern! Your ego needs patterns, or it feels lost. Many of the small things your partner handled created a rhythm for your life. A rhythm you probably took for granted. Now that she wants divorce, it’s time to build a new rhythm that doesn’t lean on her.
3: Find new sources of identification.
Your ego needs to feel like it belongs to something. A group. A cause. Something bigger than yourself. Otherwise, you’ll feel isolated and disconnected. Whatever is vital to your life mission or purpose will clue you into what group, club, or membership is your tribe. When your wife is trying to walk away, you need to lean on your tribe for support and belonging.
How Else Can You Reduce The Pain When She Wants Divorce?
When I take men through my Masculine Confidence Framework, we dive deep into 14 essential layers for you to be a happy, confident, masculine man.
Most of what you want in life cannot be gained by pursuing it directly.
Things like charisma, being emotionally grounded, and having a strong and happy ego are byproducts of addressing deeper issues like shame, fear, and low self-esteem.
Marriages are not saved by trying to save them!
Relationships are a natural byproduct of two people being mature, happy, committed, responsible, and secure.
If you’re ready to stop trying to put out fires and face the deeper problems, reach out.
If you feel like you’ve been gutted by a rusty fork and can’t sleep or function, read my book, “A Man’s Vital Guide To HEALING GRIEF Post Breakup”.
I was speaking with a client who worked with me a few months back.
Our first conversation was over a year ago when he was completely gutted and at the end of his rope.
Over the last year, he’s made massive growth in his confidence as a man!
The spark has returned to his eyes.
He holds his head high.
He can tease, flirt, and laugh again.
Most amazingly, his clear boundaries are enabling him to have a level of love and empathy towards others that he never had before.
A lot of this work is paradoxical!
Who would have thought a person can’t be deeply empathetic or loving unless they have strong boundaries??
If your wife is cold or she wants divorce, follow the path many men have used to regain their mojo and confidence by reaching out.