Tag: how to rebuild trust with your wife

A client recently told me, “My wife hangs onto the past. I’m tired of rehashing the same things over and over!”

This article addresses how to deal with a wife or girlfriend who brings up the same stuff over and over.

There’s a quote: “Do it right the first time so you never have to do it again”.

That logic rings true for most men.

There’s nothing more satisfying than checking something off…For good!

So it’s understandable that you feel frustrated when your lady brings up past issues.

But let’s be honest, we don’t mind her bringing up the past as much when we are not the villain in her story.

Re-hashing the past can get under our skin when…

1. We’re made out as the “bad guy” even though we’ve apologized many times for the part we played.
2. She tells a version of the past that doesn’t accurately reflect our true intention or perspective of what happened.
3. We see there is absolutely nothing that can be done about what happened in the past

Why Your Wife Hangs Onto The Past Even If You’ve Already Hashed Through It Many Times

Your wife or girlfriend isn’t crazy.

There are 2 very logical reasons why she keeps bringing up the past.

1. She wants to feel seen, loved, and cared for RIGHT NOW
2. She wants to feel your unflappable emotional safety, understanding, and solid masculine core AGAIN AND AGAIN

It’s not about the thing she brings up.

It’s about you being able to give her (in the current conversation) the thing you didn’t give her in the past.

She doesn’t want to feel your confidence, leadership, and unflappable emotional safety just one time; She LOVES to feel it again, and again, and again, AND AGAIN…

So what does she do?

She brings up the past again and again.

Each time, she wants to feel you handle it better and better.

When she’s in emotional turmoil and pain, she can’t get enough of you when you’re:

• Curious about her experience  
• Remain present with her
• Hold an unshakable attitude
• Act as a lighthouse through her uncertainty
• Give an empathetic gaze towards her

Men like physical intimacy again and again, whereas women like emotional intimacy again and again.

So bringing up the past is a way for her to feel the strength and consistency of your love over and over again!

Make Memory Lane With Her Positive

If we get defensive, critical, or lose our cool when our wife brings up the past, we are leading a negative experience.

The same applies if we become quiet, withdrawn, or numb.

Her bringing up the past is a cry for love.

Imagine she is drowning in an ocean, crying out for us to toss her a life vest.

If we stand on shore explaining to her why she’s overreaching, why she doesn’t have the story straight, or why she should just get over it, she will stop respecting us.

Women don’t want to be sexual with men they don’t respect, so how you handle this directly affects her desire to be intimate with you.   

Around session 3 of my masculine confidence framework, my clients develop the ability to handle their wife’s drama with newfound confidence.

This skill is essential for feeling confident when your wife hangs onto the past, especially in moments that used to spiral into arguments or drama.

Most men don’t realize that her desire to feel his balls of brass and heart of gold comes through her complaints or bringing up the past.

You can be a different kind of man going forward. 

You know my Masculine Confidence Framework is for you if…

• Your moods change when your wife’s moods change
• You find yourself arguing about the same stuff over and over
• You shut down or numb out to survive her chaos
• You’ve been hoping things will improve, but years have gone by, and she doesn’t even know if she loves you anymore