When my wife’s affair finally surfaced, I wasn’t blindsided. The signs had been growing for months. But nothing prepares you for the moment suspicion becomes reality. That fleeting rush of “I knew it!” wears off, replaced by a deep sense of betrayal. But honestly, you’re more angry with her affair partner than her. You feel gutted, but you still love her. You said you would leave if she ever cheated, but now you stand to lose too much. It feels like only she can soothe the pain by ending her affair and loving you again. Here’s how I survived my wife’s affair and how to restore shattered trust.
The Day My Wife’s Affair Came Out
My Saturday in August started as usual.
Stacks of bookwork needed my attention.
Self-employment meant wearing the hats of five employees.
It had done it for years, working 80-plus-hour weeks until winter.
But this summer was different.
The few times I was home, my wife acted as if I didn’t exist.
She hadn’t wanted sex in weeks.
She would go out with friends and not come home for days.
Today, my wife was home.
I spent the morning being mopey about the lack of sex.
I tried to imply how I felt without actually saying it.
After dropping a few complaints (hoping she would catch my drift and want sex or to stay home more), I sat down at my desk to do the bookwork.
What happened next changed my entire life.
She sat down on the couch beside me and said, “I have feelings for someone else, and it’s turned into an emotional affair.”
I wasn’t good at being direct back then.
My slide comments were easy to misinterpret, but there was no mistaking her words.
She went on to say, “It’s only been an emotional affair, but it’s going to turn physical soon. I’m going to leave you for this new relationship.”
Even though I had my suspicions for months, reality was a dagger to my heart.
- I felt raped, used, and rejected
- I cried for days
- I stopped eating
- I couldn’t get out of bed for weeks
- My will to live left me
My wife’s affair tore me apart, making everything we had built together seem pointless.
Fast Forward To Now:
- I’ve created a life I love!
- I live location-independently
- I spend part of the year deep in the mountains
- Cedar trees, creeks, fireplaces, and coffee are all normal parts of my day
- I create a deep connection anytime I want it
- I have several homes in different states
- I have the passionate love, sex, intimacy, and relationships I want
- I am no longer dependent on women to feel good
- I am no longer addicted to porn
- I experience the things I love every day!
This is my list of things I highly value, which is why I’m sharing it.
They are things I used to look to my wife to give me (or help build).
Today, I am self-relient to creating what I value.
Developing self-reliance is necessary to survive your wife’s affair.
You have to detach from her being your source of well-being or your only path to creating what you want.
Watch this video to learn more key attributes I had to develop to put myself back together after my wife’s affair came out.
6 Steps To Survive Your Wife’s Affair
- Step 1: STOP old behaviors that make you depend on her
- Step 2: Grieve the loss of your imagined future with her
- Step 3: Develop new mindsets that increase your self-esteem
- Step 4: Develop new behaviors that make you feel proud of yourself
- Step 5. Develop new ways of communicating that lead deeper connection
- Step 6. Look forward to what you are creating, and invite others to join
In my eBook The Devastated Man’s Marriage 1st Aid Revival Pack, I list 26.5 things to immediately STOP doing when your wife cheats or has an affair.
If you don’t stop these things, you will remain a victim of your wife’s choices and destroy any chances for reconciliation.
Stop things like:
- Checking her phone.
- Tracking her location.
- Begging, bargaining, pleading.
- Trying to win her back with flowers and love notes.
New Mindsets To Reduce The Pain
If your wife shows genuine remorse for her affair, your marriage can be healed.
But your relationship will worsen if you let your stinkin’ thinkin’ run unchecked.
Here are some new mindsets to adopt:
- Your FEAR of divorce (not divorce itself) will PREVENT a new, better relationship from developing. Divorce papers don’t keep people apart, and marriage certificates don’t keep them together. If your wife is leaning towards divorce, let her go. It’s the most attractive thing you can do.
- She didn’t cheat because you’re a bad husband. Drop that thought now, it stinks. An affair is a CHOICE. It was HER choice. You can be the worst husband in the world, and she can still choose to NOT cheat on you.
- Don’t view your wife as a monster set on destroying you. She’s trying to do what she thinks will make her happy, not what will hurt you. She really is doing what she thinks is best based on what she values. It only adds to your resentment and anger if you expect more than that from her. See how your pain comes from your expectations, not her actions? If you start to believe your wife is doing the best she can with the brain she has, you prevent contempt from creeping in.
- Clarify your values and boundaries. Write down the consequences for those boundaries being crossed. Your boundaries are NOT meant to control her. They should NOT be created out of fear, anxiety, or insecurity. They are intended to define the borders of what YOU want to experience and what YOU will do next when they are violated.
- Let her feel the sting of her choices.
Reconcile Your Marriage by Changing How You Communicate
If your wife has shown remorse for her affair, you need to lead a more emotionally intimate relationship going forward.
Don’t try to get your marriage back to how it used to be, that’s what got you here.
It’s time for a whole new way of interacting with your partner.
- Use statements, not questions.
- Listen for emotion words when she talks. Connect with those emotion words.
- Don’t defend, explain, justify, or get defensive about your intentions.
- Do more listening than talking.
- Talk your frustrations out with your male support group, not her family or friends.
You lead a deeper connection by using your ears, not your mouth.
Invite Your Wife Into A Better Future By Living It
The imagined future you had with your wife is over.
But your amazing future is still an option.
You will never convince her of how awesome it will be by explaining it; you have to live it.
- Get laser-focused on your life mission beyond your wife and family.
- Lean into what makes you uncomfortable or where you’ve been playing small.
- Know exactly what your amazing future smells, tastes, feels, and sounds like.
- Say “hell yes” to what aligns with your amazing future and “hell no” to what doesn’t.
- Take action for the life you want without holding your wife responsible for it to happen.
Your Wife’s Affair Broke Trust… Here’s How To Heal It
There are two sides to trust.
On the one side, she needs to be trustworthy.
On the other side, you need to extend trust.
Remove either, and your relationship doesn’t have trust.
Making your wife trustworthy is not in your control.
Trust in yourself is in your control.
So is…
- Trust in your intentions.
- Trust in your ability to create a happy day.
- Trust that you can manage your own emotions.
- Trust in your ability to detach from her moods.
- Trust in the value you bring to relationships
If you focus on the side of trust that you can’t directly control, insecurity and doubt will haunt you.
You’ll know she is worthy of your trust when she shows true remorse for her affair.
But the ground rules established by a couple to define fidelity vary greatly.
Don’t assume your wife has the same values you do around fidelity.
To be successful at any sport, everyone needs to know the rules.
The rules help everyone know how to win.
If you use rules to avoid having your own insecurities triggered, you’ve picked the wrong rules.
It’s a race to the bottom when the most insecure person in the room decides what’s ok.
From a calm, secure place, clearly define with your partner what constitutes cheating and what doesn’t.
Frame How She Can Show That She Is Trustworthy
It’s a masculine trait to establish frames.
Frames define when something starts and when it ends.
Frames also put a limit on something.
1. Frame what behaviours your wife can show that would regain your trust.
2. Frame how long you need her to do this.
3. Frame how you plan to manage your own insecurities, fears, and anxiety going forward.
Maybe you need your wife to let you see her phone anytime you want for the next few months.
Or maybe you need her to stop doing overnight stays with friends.
The point isn’t to force her to be trustworthy; it’s to notice how willing she is to make an effort.
If she isn’t willing to make an effort, her side of the trust is gone.
This is what happened for me, so I lovingly removed myself from my wife’s life.
I could do this with clarity because I knew my values and boundaries.
That gave me certainty about how to move forward.
I went from being willing to chop my arm off to save my marriage to boldly standing on my operating principles to create the life I want.
Personal Guidance To Survive Your Wife’s Affair
My relationship ran on fumes for years.
We were both stuck in a loop of resentment and dashed expectations towards each other.
The work I do with men breaks the toxic cycles that will destroy your marriage.
I teach you how to handle ANY situation with your wife with calm, deliberate wisdom and clarity.
Feminine is drawn to this like a magnet!
It’s the opposite of being indirect and passive.
Ready to have a man in your corner to show you the ropes?