Masculine Confidence Framework

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Tag: marriage advice for men in their 40s

  • Why She No Longer Undresses When You’re In The Room

    Why She No Longer Undresses When You’re In The Room

    Your wife used to love being affectionate and physically intimate. She couldn’t get enough of you! But today, she no longer undresses when you’re in the room, wants to cuddle, or even share her day with you. It hurts. For me, I felt unwelcome in my own home. But reacting will only push her further away. Let’s look at the root issue that’s shutting her down. 

    Exposing The Root Issue Of Negative Pressure

    Long before your wife or girlfriend will let you back into her panties, you need to get into her heart and create emotional intimacy.

    Relationship research backs this up.

    A core issue preventing emotional intimacy between many men and women is the vibe of negative pressure.  

    Pressure is exhausting.

    It drains the spark.

    If feels dangerous.

    You can be a great provider and never physically harm your wife, but if your vibe feels like negative pressure, it activates your wife’s fight or flight response.

    Negative pressure stems from behaviors like… 

    • A lack of respect for your wife
    • Expecting her to think/act like you
    • A general disdain for women
    • Criticizing her feelings or moods
    • Looking to her for validation
    • Expecting her to match your level of sacrifice for the family
    • Needing to know what, why, where, and who she has been interacting with

    Many hurt men have pointed fingers at women, armed with statistics to “prove” that she is the problem.

    If you victimize yourself by blaming women, you can kiss intimacy with women goodbye.

    Valuing that your wife is a beautiful, feminine person is the path to rebuilding her comfort level to undress and be physically intimate with you again. 

    Her struggles and pain are unique to her and might not make sense, but they are the exact areas of the relationship where she needs your empathy and support. 

    Believing “she’s the problem,” “she needs to get it together,” or “she’s just a b*tch” won’t get you the love and respect you deserve. 

    Why She No Longer Undresses When You’re In The Room If There’s Negative Pressure

    Adding negative pressure to a negative situation always creates a negative experience

    Negativity is like a blast of cold water.

    A cold blast would shut down your sex drive, too!

    When you first met your wife, you probably demonstrated “positive” pressure without realizing it.

    “Positive” pressure is sexy.

    It creates positive, playful emotional tension.

    But now you have a track record with her…possibly a negative track record.

    Your negative track record is why she no longer undresses when you’re in the room, let alone joins you in the shower or sleeps pressed to your side.  

    Here’s how you built the negative track record that she’s reacting to:

    • When you got defensive, you kept the conversation in reaction mode instead of leading emotional safety
    • When you got critical, she felt like she couldn’t trust you with her feelings, making her feel abandoned
    • When you initiated sex while she wasn’t in the mood, it communicated that you were not tuned into her feelings or her body
    • When you fed thoughts of dissatisfaction towards her in your mind, you behaved as if you didn’t value her.

    Multiply these issues over many years, and it will feel like there’s a wall between her heart and yours.

    The wall around her heart melts when she feels a strong emotional connection.

    That’s the opposite of the cold blast water blast.

    How To Become The Positive Man She Wants To Undress Around Again

    Only one kind of man can turn the ship around when his track record of negative pressure has driven a wedge in the relationship.

    It’s the man who…

    • Stops taking things personally
    • Stops focusing on what’s out of his control
    • Starts living life on his terms (with swagger and a grin)
    • Starts trusting who he knows he is, instead of others’ opinions

    When my clients make dramatic changes in their relationship, it’s because they made dramatic changes in themselves by resolving their insecurities, triggers, and immature behaviors.

    Now that you see why she no longer undresses when you’re in the room, it’s important to take this next step…

  • Speak Her Language: The Art of Deeper Connection

    Speak Her Language: The Art of Deeper Connection

    A deeper connection is intimate. It’s meaningful. If you’re feeling stuck in your marriage, frustrated by the neglect and misunderstandings, realize this: a deeper connection isn’t about fixing things. It’s about being able to LISTEN.

    Deeper Connection is About Relaxing Enough To Tune In

    Back when I had my snowplowing business, we used radios to keep the trucks in sync.

    Everybody knew their lane, their role, and their timing like Canadian geese flying in formation.

    You might think that kind of clear-cut system would work at home, right?

    Just say what you need to say, and the other person listens.

    But marriage isn’t a job site, it’s a dance with a pretty lady.

    And that dance runs on emotional connection, not instructions.

    A man in a relaxed state of mind invites deeper connection without effort.

    Read that last sentence again.

    • Trying to make her understand where things went wrong
    • Explaining your intentions she misread
    • Shooting a text back, trying to use logic to fix her opinion

    Those behaviours don’t come from a relaxed state of mind.

    That’s why she’s pulling away from you.

    She doesn’t want to manage your monkey mind for you.

    She Doesn’t Want the ‘Why’, She Wants the ‘What’

    Here’s the thing about men: We’re wired to ask why.

    Why’s the car smoking?

    Why’s this situation broken?

    But for women, a deeper connection is all about the what.

    What does she feel?

    What’s her heart telling her?

    The next time your wife critiques your dishwasher-loading skills, don’t ask why she cares.

    Ask yourself what she’s feeling.

    Frustration?

    Overwhelm?

    That’s where a deeper connection starts.

    Think of her emotions as layers.

    On the surface, there’s what she’s showing.

    The irritation and the complaints.

    Beneath that are her feelings, the unspoken truth of what’s really going on.

    And at the core?

    Desire.

    Exploring her desire is where she wants to meet you for a deeper connection, brother.

    Think of everything your wife says as having 3 layers.

    1. Her words
    2. Her feeling that made her say those words
    3. Something she desires that is totally unrelated, but gave her the feeling above

    If you take the bait and get sucked into level one or two, her desire hasn’t been connected with.

    When she feels like you get her desire, walls come down, connection lights up, and suddenly, the dishwasher isn’t such a big deal.

    In the video below, I spend 20 minutes going over how to lead a deeper connection in more detail.

    YouTube player

    How to Turn Things Around

    Here’s the deal: a deeper connection grows when you’re calm and confident.

    A deeper connection is blocked when you’re defensive, overly agreeable, or trying too hard to fix things.

    The best thing you can do is stay in your lane, own your space, and lead with empathy.

    When you’re clear on who you are, she can’t rock your boat.

    Because a man who knows who he is explains nothing, defends nothing, and needs nothing about her to change for him to have a calm state of mind.

    Want to lead a deeper connection with your partner?

    Start with yourself.

    Confidence isn’t about proving your worth; it’s about knowing it.

    It’s about showing up clear, grounded, and ready to meet her where she is with love.

    If you’re ready to dig in and do the work, let’s talk.

  • What To Do If Your Wife Hangs Onto The Past

    What To Do If Your Wife Hangs Onto The Past

    A client recently told me, “My wife hangs onto the past. I’m tired of rehashing the same things over and over!”

    This article addresses how to deal with a wife or girlfriend who brings up the same stuff over and over.

    There’s a quote: “Do it right the first time so you never have to do it again”.

    That logic rings true for most men.

    There’s nothing more satisfying than checking something off…For good!

    So it’s understandable that you feel frustrated when your lady brings up past issues.

    But let’s be honest, we don’t mind her bringing up the past as much when we are not the villain in her story.

    Re-hashing the past can get under our skin when…

    1. We’re made out as the “bad guy” even though we’ve apologized many times for the part we played.
    2. She tells a version of the past that doesn’t accurately reflect our true intention or perspective of what happened.
    3. We see there is absolutely nothing that can be done about what happened in the past

    Why Your Wife Hangs Onto The Past Even If You’ve Already Hashed Through It Many Times

    Your wife or girlfriend isn’t crazy.

    There are 2 very logical reasons why she keeps bringing up the past.

    1. She wants to feel seen, loved, and cared for RIGHT NOW
    2. She wants to feel your unflappable emotional safety, understanding, and solid masculine core AGAIN AND AGAIN

    It’s not about the thing she brings up.

    It’s about you being able to give her (in the current conversation) the thing you didn’t give her in the past.

    She doesn’t want to feel your confidence, leadership, and unflappable emotional safety just one time; She LOVES to feel it again, and again, and again, AND AGAIN…

    So what does she do?

    She brings up the past again and again.

    Each time, she wants to feel you handle it better and better.

    When she’s in emotional turmoil and pain, she can’t get enough of you when you’re:

    • Curious about her experience  
    • Remain present with her
    • Hold an unshakable attitude
    • Act as a lighthouse through her uncertainty
    • Give an empathetic gaze towards her

    Men like physical intimacy again and again, whereas women like emotional intimacy again and again.

    So bringing up the past is a way for her to feel the strength and consistency of your love over and over again!

    Make Memory Lane With Her Positive

    If we get defensive, critical, or lose our cool when our wife brings up the past, we are leading a negative experience.

    The same applies if we become quiet, withdrawn, or numb.

    Her bringing up the past is a cry for love.

    Imagine she is drowning in an ocean, crying out for us to toss her a life vest.

    If we stand on shore explaining to her why she’s overreaching, why she doesn’t have the story straight, or why she should just get over it, she will stop respecting us.

    Women don’t want to be sexual with men they don’t respect, so how you handle this directly affects her desire to be intimate with you.   

    Around session 3 of my masculine confidence framework, my clients develop the ability to handle their wife’s drama with newfound confidence.

    This skill is essential for feeling confident when your wife hangs onto the past, especially in moments that used to spiral into arguments or drama.

    Most men don’t realize that her desire to feel his balls of brass and heart of gold comes through her complaints or bringing up the past.

    You can be a different kind of man going forward. 

    You know my Masculine Confidence Framework is for you if…

    • Your moods change when your wife’s moods change
    • You find yourself arguing about the same stuff over and over
    • You shut down or numb out to survive her chaos
    • You’ve been hoping things will improve, but years have gone by, and she doesn’t even know if she loves you anymore