This is part 2 of a 3-part series about things to avoid in a failing marriage. (Click HERE to read part 1). I warned in the 1st part that this might be triggering to read. I’m about to turn up the heat, so prepare to have your beliefs challenged!
Men And Women Find Honor In Marriage Differently
In part one of this series, I said to avoid using triggers to justify our choices.
You learned that changing your decisions every time you hear new advice or get a negative reaction from your wife accelerates the spiral to divorce.
Now let’s talk about the 2nd thing to avoid: Thinking sacrifices and loyalty will win a woman’s heart!
Ironically, disloyalty causes many divorces, so it’s easy to think the opposite should be true.
For the most part, masculine values are not valued by others when present, BUT they are sorely missed when absent.
Loyalty is a perfect example.
Most women are not going to be burning with intimate passion for you just because you’ve remained sexually monogamous with her.
Paying bills is another example.
Paying bills on time probably won’t get you extra blow-jobs, BUT stop paying those bills and you’ll be met with her displeasure when the power gets shut off!
For some reason, when our wife says she wants out of the relationship, we assume she must not understand the depth of our love or loyalty for her.
We believe that by making her realize how much we care for her and how much we’ve sacrificed for her, we can win back her affection.
Logically, this makes sense to us.
For a man, the loyalty of a woman can largely influence his attraction towards her.
Many would refer to a faithful, loyal lady as a high-value woman.
The problem is, women don’t find a sense of honor or self-respect from masculine values like men do.
How Women Find A Sense Of Honor
In a feminine mind, she feels like she’s violating her own code of honor by committing to a man who she doesn’t have feelings for.
She feels as if she’s being unfaithful to her virtue by being intimate with her husband when she doesn’t feel attraction for him.
In her mind, ending a marriage can feel like she’s choosing honor, fidelity, and virtue.
It’s a masculine virtue to place a lot of our honor on following through on our word, even if we don’t feel like it.
In movies, when the superhero makes the ultimate sacrifice to save the world, we men instantly respect him for doing the hard thing.
For a woman, she gets that same sense of honor by aligning with her feelings despite her words.
Focus On Your Values And Let Her Have Hers
As soon as we try to hold women to the same standards we men find honor in, we set ourselves up for massive frustration.
I compare it to trying to shove a square peg in a round hole.
Here are some choices we have when a peg doesn’t fit in a hole…
- Get mad at the peg
- Blame the peg for being square
- Only play with round pegs and avoid square ones
- Force the square peg into the round hole (and destroy both in the process)
- Accept the peg is square
Acceptance is the only path forward if we want to be happy while sharing this planet with women.
Acceptance is not the same as being a doormat.
Part of being masculine is to give others the space to make choices and to allow them to experience the sting of their choices.
If we’ve developed a people-pleasing approach, we can be tempted to smooth over the consequences of other people’s choices
If we pay for the neighbor’s window every time our son hits a baseball through it, he may never learn to hit baseballs away from house windows.
Our son will learn from the sting of his choice if he has to earn the money himself to pay for the window he broke!
The Secret In Marriage Is To VALUE Your Differences
As far as I can tell, women are here to stay, so I choose to accept them as they come.
Personally, I LOVE how a woman’s body is the opposite of mine, especially during intercourse!
It took me a long time to accept that her inner world differs greatly from mine as well.
Learning to VALUE our differences is the only way we can build an abundant, happy life with our wife.
Look at what happens when we value the differences in her body… it produces babies!
What was only 2 people becomes a family of 3, 4, or 5, Etc!
This same concept applies to our contrasting virtues.
A relationship greater than we could have created as a lone ranger becomes possible when we value her opposite way of thinking and feeling.
We can save a lot of frustration when we realize virtues that attract us to women are not the same virtues that attract women to men.
She can value that you’re steady, you can value that she changes.
She can value that you look ahead, you can value that she looks at the moment (and the past).
What A Woman Values From Her Husband In Marriage
I once watched a video about a study conducted with babies and their mothers.
The mother was placed on one end of the room, and the small child, barely old enough to crawl, was placed on the other end.
Between the mother and the child, a chair was placed to block the child’s path.
When the little boys reached the chair, they could see their mom on the other side.
The child would fuss a bit, then get busy trying to climb the chair, move the chair, or go through the chair.
Eventually, the little boys figured out how to get past the chair and reached their moms!
Then it was the little girl’s turn.
When the girls reached the chair, they too could see their mom on the other side.
However, the little girls didn’t try to move the chair; they just stood there and cried!
The story illustrates how men are fixers and women want to communicate where they are so they can be seen.
Our wife wants us to see her in her pain, in her confusion, in the messiness of life, and still love her for who she is.
Men are the watchers, and she craves to be seen by us to her core!
If we react to what emerges from her, or dismiss her feelings, she feels unloved and unvalued.
How To Look At Your Wife With New Eyes
Viewing your wife’s actions through the lens of your own expectations leads to frustration.
In my masculine confidence framework, I teach you how to keep your eyes on your own gauges for self-respect and self-honor.
I help you clarify fulfilling masculine standards you hold yourself to.
You become like a superhero who does the right thing, knowing he couldn’t live with himself if he didn’t.
Are you ready to become this kind of man in your marriage?
