Begging and pleading never help a struggling marriage because the urgency to fix your marriage will end it. That’s secret #4 of my 6 dangerously effective marriage-saving secrets (Use these links to see secrets ONE, TWO, THREE, FOUR, FIVE, and SIX).
When I take you through my Masculine Confidence Framework, your calm inner man starts to emerge around session four. This version of yourself is emotionally grounded. A steady heartbeat, clear thoughts, and some swagger in your footsteps are noticeable. Like a movie scene when the hero walks away from an explosion without looking back, the thought of losing your wife no longer crumbles you. Slow and steady wins the marriage-saving race. Watch the video below or keep reading for a real-life example.
Andrew Learned The Hard Way That Urgency To Fix Your Marriage Will End It
Andrew felt like a dagger was being pushed through his gut.
He was lying face down, motionless in bed.
His wife, Christy, was packing up the last of the food in the kitchen.
Their dog zipped around the room, excited for the car ride home.
They were at a lake cabin Andrew rented to celebrate their 7th wedding anniversary.
Outside, the December sun melted a crisp morning frost. Inside, the silence was ominous.
Not a single fiber in Andrew wanted to get up.
He turned and noticed the full-wall mirror along the bed.
His gut sank deeper.
All hopes of having intimate lovemaking by this mirror the night before were shattered.
The wine by the bed was unopened…the lingerie on the chair was unused…the roses on the table were ignored.
Christy walked over to the bed. “Are you ready to go?” she asked.
Andrew managed to follow Christy out to the car.
They passed a hand-drawn sign with their names on it.
The words “Happy Anniversary, Andrew & Christy” had welcomed their arrival 2 days prior.
Andrew’s blood ran cold as he tried to comprehend how badly the weekend had gone.
How Andrew Accidentally Created The Worst Anniversary Of His Life
Three months ago…
That’s when Christy’s emotional affair with her co-worker first came out.
Andrew’s initial pain of betrayal lifted when Christy broke off the connection with her affair partner.
At that time, Christy told Andrew she wanted to work on their marriage.
Andrew franticly scoured the web for a marriage counselor and booked a session.
He poured through YouTube videos about “how to save your marriage”.
He read blog after blog about “how to re-attract your wife”.
Every time he discovered a new “hack” he would use it on his wife.
He…
- Took her on a hot air balloon ride attempting to re-create an adrenaline-infused positive experience with her
- Showered her with love notes, surprise visits at work with coffee, flowers, long foot rubs, phone calls, and constant “I love you” texts just like when they were dating
- Took old photos and made tear-jerking slide shows for her
- Brought her to locations they had previously made good memories at
- Bought her cute outfits and gifts
- Took over doing the dishes, laundry, meals, and shopping
- Flooded her with attention and deep emotional conversations
Every spare moment Christy had, Andrew was by her side.
Andrew had one target in mind: He would have his marriage fixed by their anniversary.
He took great lengths to ensure the cabin he rented had everything Christy loved.
The whole weekend was carefully planned out.
A bubble bath, back rub, candles, music, new lingerie… Mathew felt confident going into the weekend they would have sex for the first time in months.
All his expectations came crashing down as every attempt to seduce Christy over the weekend resulted in her turning away.
She gave the dog plenty of affection, but Andrew’s craving for a kiss, cuddle, or any kind of acknowledgment went unmet.
Your Wife Is Not A Guinea Pig For Marriage Saving Hacks
Andrew didn’t say a word as he and Christy drove home from the cabin.
Despite months of trying every marriage-saving hack he could find on the internet, their marriage was no better off.
When they arrived home, Andrew left Christy to unpack.
He took their dog into a travel trailer in the backyard and curled up on the bed.
Several hours later, Christy found him there. She knocked and quietly entered.
After sitting down on the edge of the bed she said, “Andrew, if we divorce, who gets the dog?”
“How can you say that?”, Andrew replied.
Although he was bummed their marriage wasn’t fixed, hearing the word “divorce” was too much to take in.
Was she suggesting their marriage was over?
Christy spoke again, “I’m just wondering… If we were to separate, how would we raise the dog?”
Tears started streaming down Andrew’s face.
This kind of talk was NOT ok. “Don’t ever say that. We’re not getting a divorce. You’re my wife, forever. We’re Christians and don’t believe in divorce”, Andrew said firmly.
Christy got up and walked out.
She divorced Andrew before the month ended.
Why Urgency To Fix Your Marriage Will End It (And What To Do Instead)
The story about Andrew is an example of what NOT to do.
There are no magic hacks, gifts, or words that will make your wife want to be with you.
Those behaviors feel smothering at this point of marriage collapse.
There has to be a change in energy.
Remember those giant bubble-making wands from when you were a kid?
After dipping it in soapy water, you had to slowly open it and let a slight breeze blow through it.
Go too fast, and the bubble would pop.
A slow, steady motion would make massive bubbles.
This is what your marriage is like.
Love and attraction are delicate.
Addressing your urgent anxiety, fear, loneliness, expectations, and low self-esteem is what you need to be working on.
Until you become a calm, confident, outcome non-dependent man, everything you try with your wife will have undertones of urgency.
Frantically trying every new marriage tip when your relationship is on the rocks will keep popping her love bubble.
Behaving erratically like this leaves her confused about who you are.
A confused woman can’t make a clear choice if she’s in or out.
So here’s what you’re going to do about it: SLOW DOWN.
These 5 questions will help you slow down:
- What if you believed what’s happening now is supposed to happen to get you where you’re supposed to be? (Did you just gloss over that? Read it again.)
- If you pause your reactions, what response would you choose?
- What’s a narrative about “right now” that feels better than your current story?
- How can you be self-reliant in order to give yourself what you need right now?
- What outcome are you attached to that you have no control over?
Right now, your mind is racing to every possible worst outcome.
It’s getting stuck on things you can’t control.
You probably can’t even focus at work or sleep more than 3 hours.
There are so many hopes you’re clinging to that need to be let go of.
That’s the real issue right now, not your marriage.
A Paradox: Urgency To Fix Your Marriage Will End It… BUT Letting It Go Can Save It
I see it over and over with the men I work with…
The man finally gets secure enough to let the marriage go… Then she circles back!
It takes balls of steel to let someone you love go free.
You can’t fake this kind of confidence.
Your urgency to fix your marriage will end it because it oozes out of you, making her feel pressured.
It leaks out of your eyes, breathing, movements, and tones.
It’s needy and unattractive.
What you need is real, internal change.
A new way of thinking and a new framework to live by.
Masculinity coach Mark Drezga and I help you make this deep internal change in our “The Vital Formula To Masculine Confidence Course“.
Click HERE to join an outstanding, value-based group of men.
Check out the energy in this video where men give their honest feedback.
Can you sense the vibe of leadership and clarity they gained?
These are confident men who can create the marriage they want.
How Andrew Created An Amazing Life
95% of men turn to porn, alcohol, or sex to numb the pain of rejection.
These guys end up re-creating the same dynamics from their first marriage in their next relationship.
Andrew wasn’t this kind of man.
He joined the ranks of the 5% club and committed to addressing the underlying issues that destroyed his marriage.
Through the guidance of a seasoned mentor, Andrew gained a mindset that put him back in the driver’s seat of his life.
Christy’s divorce was a gift.
Andrew may never have committed to making deep internal changes if he hadn’t gone through the pain of losing his wife.
Although Christy had already filed for divorce, she noticed these changes in Andrew in the months that followed.
She liked it.
She wanted to go on adventures, meet up for coffee, and share her feelings with Andrew again.
You might be surprised to learn Andrew did not take her up on this.
His clarity about what he wants, tolerates and values gave him certainty about the kind of woman he allows into his life.
Urgency to fix your marriage will end it.
Resolving your anxious, deadline-driven expectations can bring about the attractive energy you both want.
Lead your relationship to calmer, warmer waters by taking this next step.
