One of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do was accept the “Death” of a relationship when the other person was very much alive. This article explains 3 ways we can reduce our pain when our wife wants separation, or if she wants divorce, by having a healthy ego.
The Role Of Ego In An Intimate Relationship
In general, the term “ego” seems to have a negative connotation.
We tend to think of ego as a narcissistic ass-hole with an over-inflated self-image.
However, a relationship is the joining of two (or more) lives into one interdependent family unit.
We cannot be “joined” to another emotionally, physically, mentally, or spiritually unless we are first separate from it.
What makes a co-dependant relationship toxic is both are seeking completion through the other.
What makes an independent relationship toxic is both are living like ghosts in passing with zero overlap in life experiences.
In an interdependent relationship, both have a healthy sense of self (ego) so that neither needs the other to provide basic elements of well-being.
Things like happiness, security, and confidence are not things to get from someone, they are things to share with them.
An ego that’s not fractured will feel safe, secure, confident, happy, and complete!
What’s A Fractured Ego?
Our ego was born the first time the thought, “I am” popped into our brain as a child…
- I am fast
- I am funny
- I am smart
Knowing who we are created our sense of ego.
Our ego fractures when we abandon part of ourselves to minimize the risk of being shunned by a person or group. Our ego also fractures when we become enmeshed with someone but then they back out of our life.
Human tendency is to replace the fracture with something…Anything! so that we can regain a sense of balance, safety, and routine in life.
This desperation to fill the void can be dangerous since human nature gravitates towards what’s familiar over something new or unknown.
Think Of Our Ego Like An Orange
An orange is made up of many slices.
Your identity as a couple, your position of being a spouse, your daily routine and household activities – those all became who your ego knew you to be.
But what if our partner was emotionally abusive?
What if she was unkind, unfaithful, unwilling to emotionally connect or to be intimate?
Our fractured ego will gravitate towards what’s familiar over what’s healthy.
for example, If we grew up with a father who would never hear us out we will gravitate towards people who don’t listen to us.
Why?
IF FEELS FAMILIAR.
New is scary.
Familiar feels safe.
Part of our self-development as men is to get clear on who we are and how we will self-reliantly fill the slices in our ego with new, healthy affirmations, routines, and people.
This means we’ll also get clear on what toxic traits or people we’ve been enduring because it feels familiar.
It’s good to focus on the good about our wife while in the marriage but when she wants divorce, we need to reckon with her negative traits.
Coming to terms with what WASN’T right about our partner helps us see reality and not put our wife on a pedestal.
If we keep telling ourselves that we’re losing Mrs. Perfect, we’re only delaying the healing of our heart
3 Steps To Reduce The Pain When She Wants Divorce
1.0 Stop holding other people responsible for your happiness.
You are not responsible for your wife’s happiness and she isn’t responsible for yours. Let her off the hook! By definition, love is to ACCEPT something for what it is. If you really love your wife, you will not try to change her into the wife you think she should be. The saying is really true, “If you love her, let her go”. Again, though, a lot of nice guys are tolerating behaviors that are not just annoying or exaggerated, they are tolerating straight-up abuse. Accepting your wife for who she is means you have clarity about if she should be placed inside or outside the “wife” category in your life.
2.0 Establish a new, exciting routine that’s sustainable even if she never returns.
This one is easy to overthink. Our routine is made up of many small things like when to run the dishwasher and whether we’ll store the toilet paper in the bathroom or the closet. Many of the small things our partner handled created a rhythm in our life we took for granted. Our ego feels lost when there isn’t a consistent routine in our daily lives.
3.0 Find new sources of identification.
This will usually be in a social setting. Humans need to feel like they belong to a group or cause bigger than themselves or we feel isolated and disconnected. Whatever is vital to your life mission or purpose will clue you into what group, club, or membership is going to be “your tribe”.
How Else Can I Reduce The Pain When She Wants Divorce?
When I take men through my Masculine Confidence Framework, We dive deep into 14 essential layers for you to be a happy, confident, masculine man.
Most of what we want in life cannot be gained by pursuing it directly.
Things like charisma, being emotionally grounded, and having a strong and happy ego are byproducts of addressing deeper issues like shame, fear, and low self-esteem.
Marriages are not saved or created by trying to save or create them!
Relationships are a natural byproduct of two people being mature, happy, committed, responsible, and secure.
If you’re ready to stop trying to put out fires and face the deeper problems, reach out for a free consultation.
I was speaking recently with a client who finished working with me a few months back.
When we had our first conversation over a year ago, he was completely gutted and at the end of his rope.
Over the last year, he’s made massive growth in his confidence as a man!
The spark has returned to his eyes.
He holds his head high.
He can tease, flirt, and laugh again.
Most amazingly, his clear boundaries are enabling him to have a level of love and empathy towards others he never had before.
A lot of this work is paradoxical!
Who would have thought a person can’t be deeply empathetic or loving unless they have strong boundaries??
If your wife is cold or if she wants divorce, Follow the path many men have used to regain their mojo and confidence by reaching out so we can get clear on what your next steps should be.
Much Love Brother,
Garrett Prettyman