By the time you’re asking how long you should give your wife space, your marriage is suffering pretty badly. You’ve already begged, pleaded, cried, demanded, and tried to be Prince Charming. Then you watched a video that said to go full “no contact”, so you did that next. The result? You’ve become roommates. That was my experience, at least. But after working with tons of men in struggling relationships, I’ve realized you and I are not alone. Let’s talk about how to give your wife space in a way that I see working best for my clients.
How Long Is Normal?
Meet Jeff.
Jeff is like you and me.
He’s a generally good man who cares about doing what’s right and being a great husband.
When he came to me last fall, he was in tears.
After bending over backwards to close the gap with his wife of 7 years, she only became less interested in him.
She said what most women say when they no longer feel the spark.
“I need space to find myself… I love you, but I’m not in love with you… I can’t keep doing this”.
Jeff asked me the million-dollar question: “How long should you give your wife space before things start to turn around?”
By working with countless men worldwide, I get to see the trends.
First off, EVERY man thinks his situation is unique.
But let me assure you, we’re more alike than you want to believe.
Most men don’t realize their wife has usually been moving through a predictable sequence of emotional withdrawal long before she asks for space.
I call this the Wife Wants Space Cycle.
Turns out, it’s not about how much time SHE needs, it’s how much time YOU need to fully detach and still feel amazing in yourself.
The feeling you carry that keeps counting the days since you last had sex is the feeling you’ve been acting on in your marriage for years that got you here.
But if you want to know the trends, it normally takes one month for each year you’ve known eachother for your changes to start feeling genuine and authentic to her.
Should I Give Her A Deadline?
I’ve had several clients reattract their wives and even see her start initiating sex again after he set a deadline for how long he would give her space.
But let’s look very closely at the specific men this worked for.
Greg was in his early 40’s.
He joined one of my groups, extremely frustrated by his sexless marriage and aloof wife.
He was ready to set a deadline right away.
But I advised him not to.
Why? Because he was trying to control an outcome.
When you set deadlines trying to control an outcome, your wife feels like you care more about your discomfort than hers.
Greg spent 6 months becoming a more secure, confident man.
He then spent an additional year living his best life and getting clear on his life mission.
Then, when he was totally relaxed and outcome independent, he gave his wife a deadline.
He didn’t make it sound like “he had had enough”.
He basically told her that he wanted her to be happy and would help her figure out the divorce papers in 6 weeks if she genuinely didn’t feel happy in their marriage.
Boom.
That level of personal security and demonstration of care for her was genuine, and she felt it.
Their marriage (and sex life) did a full 180.
What To Do While She Figures Things Out
Every small interaction you have with your wife while she needs space should be a positive one.
If you’re getting into arguments, defending your feelings, or trying to convince her, you’re hitting the reset button on her need for space.
Those patterns and frustrations are the deeper things we work on together.
A man makes the most dramatic growth in his personal development in the total absence of feminine support.
It’s a rite of passage we should have gone through before we got married… But now is better than never!
Let’s resolve the scary movies in your head that keep you up at night so you can start feeling better right away.
You get to lead by example to show your wife what a happy, loving, outcome-independent man is like to be around.
