Many men, after being married to their wives for 18+ years, are wondering why she’s pulling away from intimacy. Is she ok? Am I ok? Are we ok? These are the thoughts of a frustrated, rejected husband. Let’s unpack what’s going on in this 3rd installment of my 6 dangerously effective marriage-saving secrets.
Secret# 3: End Sexual Neediness – The Pungent Wife Repellent.
(Use these links to see secrets ONE, TWO, THREE, FOUR, FIVE, and SIX)
Matthew’s Advances Fell Flat
The sun was out, the weather was perfect, and Matthew felt good.
If the sky stayed clear, he’d finish painting the house.
Even better, his wife, Amy, would be home soon from her graveyard shift.
They had plans for coffee together, a rare moment of connection after ten days of barely seeing each other.
But Matthew wasn’t just excited for coffee; he was horny.
The thought of getting tangled up with Amy before they left made him smile.
Then Amy walked in.
No hello.
No eye contact.
Just walked right past him.
Matthew followed her into the bedroom, hopeful.
She let out a deep sigh.
He stepped behind her, wrapped his arms around her, and groped.
Amy stepped away.
She walked into the bathroom and closed the door.
The Reason Why She’s Pulling Away From Intimacy Isn’t What You Think
Thirty minutes later, Matthew and Amy sat in silence at a coffee shop.
Matthew was irritated.
He’d had his mind set on sex, and it hadn’t happened.
Amy was even quieter than usual.
Trying to fill the dead air, Matthew talked about his plans to finish painting.
A tear slid down Amy’s cheek.
“Why are you crying, Amy?” he asked, setting his coffee down.
Amy stared off.
“Come on, Matthew. You should know me well enough by now. I shouldn’t have to say.”
Matthew replayed the morning in his mind.
What had he missed?
Amy finally broke the silence. “I need you to care about me.”
Her voice was as cold as her untouched coffee.
Matthew was stumped and annoyed!
Didn’t he just try to have sex with her an hour ago?
Didn’t that prove he cared?
“Maybe you just need some sleep,” he suggested.
Amy shook her head, eyes narrowing. “I don’t need you to tell me what to do.”
Matthew clenched his jaw.
His patience was thin.
“This is BS,” he thought.
Arms crossed, determined to defend himself, he snapped: “Well, I do care about you, so I don’t know what your problem is.”
Amy turned her face as another tear ran down her cheek.
Pro Tip: If Matthew had simply said, “I hear you. What else are you feeling?” he could’ve stopped this crash before it happened. A woman’s words aren’t a conclusion; they’re the tip of the iceberg to something else she’s feeling.
How Matthew Made Matters Worse
That evening, Matthew was feeling better.
The house painting had gone great.
But he was still horny as hell.
Amy slept most of the day.
Even now, she was curled up in bed.
Matthew stepped out of the shower, wrapped in a towel, and slid under the sheets next to her.
He kissed her neck.
She barely responded.
“Come on, Amy. I’m gonna sleep like shit if we don’t have sex.”
Amy sighed… that long, exhausted sigh Matthew had grown to hate.
“Okay, fine. Just do your thing.”
This was the kind of sex they had been having lately.
Matthew hated it.
Amy hated it.
But here’s what Matthew didn’t understand: his need to relieve his horniness was all Amy could feel from him.
Pro Tip: Your wife wants to feel your sexual desire, not your sexual neediness. There is a difference!
If you don’t understand why she’s pulling away from intimacy, it’s time to notice the energy you bring to the room.
A man full of sexual desire is playful, can tune into the present moment, and can create emotional intimacy before physical intimacy.
Women love this guy!
A man full of sexual neediness is laser-focused on getting to orgasm.
He counts the days since they last had sex.
He tries to get his wife to feel sorry for him when they don’t have sex.
Women can’t stand this guy.
How Matthew Fixed the Intimacy Issues in His Marriage
If your marriage is like Matthew’s, there are some things you need to STOP doing.
Stop doing things like:
- Needing to be right.
- Using her body as an outlet to get off
- Trying to rationalize her into having sex
- Getting upset when she’s not in the mood
- Insisting she’s doing something wrong to you when she turns away
That conversation Matthew and Amy had at the coffee stand?
That could have led to an intimate moment.
Matthew only needed to hold space for Amy to sort out her feelings with him.
But he didn’t.
He reacted, and she shut down.
Tears indicate that there is more she wants to share, but she doesn’t feel safe to.
Never mistake this cue.
The reason why she’s pulling away from intimacy isn’t the first reason she says.
If your woman’s eyes get glossy, she wants to open up; if only you could handle it.
Thankfully, Matthew realized this cycle would destroy his marriage and got help.
He found a mentor who guided him.
And that’s when everything changed.
He stopped letting his horniness override his awareness of how Amy was feeling.
He learned to create a connection in moments that used to trigger his defensiveness.
Amy felt his presence again.
She felt his sexual desire, not his sexual neediness.
And that’s when intimacy started to flow naturally again.
Your Next Step If She’s Pulling Away From Intimacy
You can’t hold space for another if you’re not rock-solid in yourself.
The confidence you display when your wife pulls back is what attracts her to get close again.
You can gain the same attractive masculine energy Matthew achieved in our Vital Formula To Masculine Confidence Course.
Join an amazing group of men and learn to lead intimacy in marriage with confidence!
If you’re ready to break free from frustration, rebuild attraction, and restore the deep, passionate intimacy you once had with your wife, then it’s time to step up.