There are consequences to being a ‘yes’ man to avoid conflict with your wife. There are consequences to being a ‘no’ man, too. I’ll show you what the middle ground looks like that your marriage needs to succeed.
The Consequences of Being a ‘Yes’ Man in Marriage
Shallow Connection: One Of The Consequences Of Being A ‘Yes’ Man
When you constantly agree with your spouse, YOUR feelings get neglected.
When you neglect your own feelings and desires, you’re robbing your relationship of authenticity.
Want real love?
Real connection?
Real intimacy?
Then you have to be real.
I know what you’re thinking, “It always blows up if I don’t agree with her!”
Here’s my response: So what?
The consequences of being a ‘yes’ don’t appear until way down the road.
A deep connection in marriage is lost.
So is deep intimacy.
Trust is the foundation for a deeper connection with your partner.
When you always agree with her, she can’t trust you.
And, let’s be real, constantly saying “yes” brews some major resentment on our part too.
When you don’t express your honest perspectives and arenot willing to put your foot down in the name of courage, you come off as weak and fake to your partner.
This chips away at the trust and love in your relationship, making it harder to repair.
In her interview on 60 Minutes, best-selling author and shame researcher Brene Brown points something out. She says when we start going with the flow, we destroy the ability for there to be creativity, connection, and leadership.
It’s one of the consequences of being a ‘yes’ man.
And I don’t want you to live in dry relationship like that.
The Consequences of Being a ‘Yes’ Man Is Two-Fold
By being true to yourself and communicating openly with your wife, you show her that you respect and value her.
You don’t have to disagree with your wife to not be a ‘Yes” man.
It means you don’t NEED her to agree with you.
See the difference?
But here’s a warning!
Before you unload Pandora’s box of how you feel with your partner, understand this: If you’re coming from a place of desperation, neediness, or lack of happiness, the timing is all wrong.
Her need for space can be one of the consequences of being a ‘yes’ man.
She wants to relax with someone who has a spine, not someone who always caters to her.
When she needs space, that’s not a time to open up to her; it’s a time to open up to yourself.
Clarify who you are, where you’re going, and why that matters for your own sake.
Speaking your truth from a place of inner security leads to a deeper level of relationship when your wife is all in.
On the other hand, speaking your truth out of FEAR or insecurity when she pulls back drives a wedge between you.
How To Have The Spine She Needs
If you don’t want the consequences of being a ‘yes’ man in your marriage, prioritize honesty and authenticity while taking responsibility to calm your fears and insecurities.
This ensures that your relationship stays strong, based on trust and mutual respect.
If right now your marriage is in limbo, reach out.
I’ve helped many men get their relationship back to where vulnerability and deeper connection thrive.
Your wife annoys you by knowing how to push your buttons just right. She questions your intentions or complains when you’re doing the best you can. What if I told you this only happens when you have buttons to push? I’m going to show you how to use your triggers and buttons to be a more loving, confident man.
Guys: How To Spot What Needs Improvement In Your Relationship
Listen To Your Body When Your Wife Annoys You
A drop in your gut…
A tightness in your chest…
The hair on your neck bristling…
The unconscious husband misses these cues.
He’s so caught up in REACTING that he doesn’t even notice his fists are clenched.
With practice, you direct your focus to your body when your wife annoys you.
Instead of trying to think out how to answer, you can use the cues in your body.
A tight chest means take a deep breath.
A clenched fist means relax your hands and shake them out.
You see, what your wife needs most in this moment isn’t your brilliant answer or justifications.
She needs to feel your love in ONE form: PRESENCE.
Presence is fully tuned into what your body is doing.
It’s fully tuned into what her body is doing.
You’re not getting sucked into the conversation or adding to the drama.
This article sheds light on why good women leave good men even after many years together. I’m not some guru. What you read in this article is my own contemplation. I could be dead wrong. What do you think? Tell me in the comments!
A Controversial Reason Why Women Leave Good Men
Good Women Leave Good Men Without The Right Kind Of Love
There are 3 types of love.
EROS: Romantic, sexual love
AGAPE: Caring love
PHILEO: Family bonding love
The world is filled with honest, good-intending, devoted, loving men who care deeply for their partner.
Men are straight shooters when it comes to love.
Either we always had a “thing” for a specific woman, or we didn’t.
Once a girl wins our heart, our love is permanent.
Just like our preference for the shirt we liked 10 years ago.
In my experience, something binds inside us guys when we “fall in love” with a woman.
Our eros & agape literally fuse together.
That means our romantic love and our caring love for her transcend life’s circumstances.
All of us men know what it’s like to care deeply for a woman and feel our primal urge to protect, care, provide, and give pleasure even if she doesn’t give two hoots about us.
It’s a kind of love that doesn’t even need to be reciprocated by her.
A Man’s Love Rarely Stops When She Doesn’t Love Him Back
Masculine love becomes unconditional towards a woman once eros and agape fuse together.
Even if our partner becomes the devil, rejects us, or has an affair, we still care for her on a primal level.
We don’t like what she’s doing, we prefer she change, but we still love her.
I know in my life, I can look back and still feel caring, romantic love for all the women I’ve fallen in love with (even if they never loved me in return).
Once Eros and Agape bind in us towards a woman, we can end up tolerating very toxic or unhealthy behaviors from her unless we have clear standards around what kinds of people we allow into our lives.
For this reason, it’s imperative to have clear boundaries around who we commit to regardless of how we feel.
Female Love Is Different Software
I don’t think eros and agape bind in a woman.
She feels them independently, one from the other.
This is my personal observation at least.
Women seem to have a binding of agape and philo which manifests as her mothering instincts for her family.
One could argue when a woman falls for a man, it’s more intense than we experience it.
But a woman’s eros (sexual) love for a man is fragile.
Eros, the erotic love, is based on how she feels RIGHT NOW.
It comes and goes.
What doesn’t come and go for her is the family bonding and caring love.
Even when a wife divorces her husband, she still feels bonded to him.
But the sexual attraction is long gone.
And you?
You’ll still get turned on by her.
When a woman loses her eros (sexual) love for her partner, she’s out.
Are you starting to see why good women leave good men?
The husband and wife are not bad people, but they need to feel all 3 versions of love.
And each has a different idea of what those versions are.
Good Women Leave Good Men When They LoseErotic Love
Why do women lose erotic love?
It’s not because you’re ugly or because you snore.
Her erotic love is a result of feeling like you understand and can handle her emotions.
This is the polar opposite of men.
Men feel erotic love based on how beautiful she is (inside and out).
I want you to know that masculine leadership is sexy even if your wife is a very alpha, driven person. That’s secret# 5 in my 6 dangerously effective marriage-saving secrets. (Use these links to see secretsONE, TWO, THREE,FOUR, FIVE, and SIX) This article is not for the controlling jackass who bosses his wife around or treats women with disrespect. Quite opposite. The tips you’re about to learn ARE for the man who mistakenly thought letting his wife wear the pants in the relationship would make her happy. Even if your wife has a stubborn streak, deep down, she feels leadership is sexy.
Masculine Leadership Is Sexy (Even to Strong Independent Women)
Why Kate Was Unhappy In Her Marriage
Kate looked up from her phone and asked, “What do you want for dinner?”
Travis almost didn’t hear her.
He was lost in his laptop, browsing new real estate listings.
“I don’t care. Whatever is easy”, Travis replied with a smile.
Kate said, “We have some leftover meatloaf. Or I could do a casserole”.
Travis’s eyes stayed on his computer.
He had no idea Kate was seeking his masculine leadership.
He was more interested in the new listing he just found.
“Whatever you want, honey. If one of those is near the front of the fridge, just warm that up”, he suggested.
“Think we could watch a nature show tonight? It’s been a while since we’ve done that. Or we could go for a drive and look at Christmas lights!”, Amy said with enthusiasm.
“Maybe”, Travis mumbled as he tried to cut and paste an address from his web browser.
Kate’s voice got serious, “I just think we need to prioritize making efforts for our relationship.”
“Huh?”, Travis said, confused.
Kate’s face got emotional.
Her throat tightened as she said, “Sometimes I feel like I’m the only one fighting for us. I always have to fight alone”.
Travis tried to make sense of how the conversation went from dinner to prioritizing their relationship.
He felt himself getting angry.
“Kate, you’re a strong, independent woman. You love plowing your own way through life. The battles you fight, you bring on yourself”, he scolded disapprovingly.
Hearing this did not sit well with Kate.
Kate began walking out of the room.
In a frustrated tone, she turned around and said, “Never mind.”
Travis heard her walk into their bedroom and close the door.
About an hour later, his mind was still foggy as he tried to process his conversation with Kate.
He felt a little resentful that she didn’t make him anything to eat.
While he warmed up some meatloaf in the microwave, he could hear a nature show coming from the TV in their bedroom.
Yay!
Dinner in bed would be fun.
Travis brought his plate to bed and nestled next to Kate.
She fell asleep moments later.
He finished the episode by himself.
This wasn’t the fun, connected, sexy evening he had hoped for.
Masculine Leadership Is Sexy, Management Is Not
Each time Kate brought up a question, Travis tried to avoid leadership by putting the choice back on her.
Management is a form of damage control.
You’ll never be responsible for damage if other people make the choices!
In the business world, a manager has one job: Use the systems in place to keep the show going.
The leader of a company looks broad range.
A leader ensures effort is spent on the right problems based on where he wants the company to go.
Without leadership, managers can end up straightening chairs on a sinking Titanic, assuming effort=success.
You’ll win the battle but lose the war.
The same applies to your marriage.
Here are the replies Travis gave his wife in the story above:
“I don’t care”
Whatever is easy”
“Whatever you want honey”
“Maybe”
“Huh?”
Do those sound like words of leadership to you?
Those replies were attempts to put out small fires.
That’s what managers do.
Even the strongest, most independent, business-minded woman wants to relax.
Her sexuality goes offline if she isn’t relaxed.
Leadership allows her to relax and step out of the guessing game.
She can’t do that with a manager.
Every time Kate bounced options off Travis, she wanted him to make a choice.
She wanted to relax in his masculine leadership.
Travis didn’t step up, and that’s when her emotions changed from “What do you want to eat?” to “sometimes I feel like I’m the only one fighting for us”.
Your wife wants the GOOD feeling of knowing she just gave you something you really wanted.
Saying, “Just warm up whatever happens to be the fridge” robs her of that good feeling.
It’s very selfish to not know what you want
How Travis Could Have Shown Masculine Leadership
Especially for guys married to strong, independent women, letting her make the choices in the house feels easy.
Deep down, these men are afraid she won’t like him if he faces her strong will.
He’s afraid that saying what he really thinks will just be used against him.
Here’s how Travis could have lead Sexy, FUN leadership:
“Meatloaf sounds great! Let’s have that.”
“No, we can’t look at Christmas lights tonight. We will next weekend. It will be fun!”
“You feel like you’re fighting all your battles alone? I’m sorry, that sounds exhausting. Let’s talk about it after I get out of the shower tonight when I’m not distracted.”
A unique difference between masculine leadership vs feminine leadership is that masculine leadership is CONSISTENTLY based on values, boundaries, and standards, NOT emotions.
Your leadership is still a gift even if she protests with comments like, “I don’t want meatloaf. I’d rather have a casserole.”
Here’s why: She didn’t know what she wanted until you did.
Feminine energy finds her truth when contained by strong masculine leadership
Just as a river can’t reach the ocean without river banks, feminine can’t know what she wants or where she’s going until she encounters your clear choices
Here’s how to know if your marriage can be saved: If your wife has only experienced a version of you who provided for the family and wanted sex, then your marriage has hope! She hasn’t fully experienced masculine/feminine polarity with you yet. That polarity is the secret to attraction. And shoveling the sidewalk or changing oil in her car wasn’t that. This article explains 4 ways your marriage will fail without masculine/feminine polarity.
4 Reasons Your Marriage Will Fail Without Masculine/Feminine Polarity
1. Without Masculine/Feminine Polarity, You Become Roommates
Regardless of your gender, you feel attraction to what polarizes you.
Opposites create polarity.
Imagine a soft, sweet, affectionate woman who smells like strawberries.
Her entire body is hairless, and she giggles in a high voice.
Sound attractive?
Opposites attract.
The idea of masculine/feminine polarity is not a new concept.
Conflict with your wife can feel like the exact opposite of respect and love. It makes perfect sense that you hate it. But even when you bend over backward to keep the peace, the blow-ups still happen. That’s when a lot of men shut down, tap out, or agree with her just to avoid another explosion. And then they wonder why the intimacy disappears. Here’s a story that will show you 3 mistakes to avoid at all costs if you want to have more loving and less fighting in your marriage.
Blow-Up With Wife: 3 Mistakes To Avoid
How Tom Used To Handle Conflict With His Wife
Tom’s head was spinning.
The last 20 minutes with his wife Jessica had gone horribly wrong.
They had taken a quick weekend vacation.
She had seemed a little “off” at the hotel that morning.
On the drive home, something imploded in her.
“I don’t feel appreciated or loved by you…I need you to give me more verbal affirmation“, Jessica complained.
Tom thought to himself, “Well if you want to be told you’re sweet, maybe you should act sweet”. Even though he didn’t say this out loud, Jessica could sense he was thinking it.
“But I do love you,” Tom Argued. “Just look at all I do for us to have a nice house and dependable income. I’m always nice to you and have never hit you or done anything abusive.”
“You never kiss me unless we’re having sex”, Jessica snapped back.
Lately, this was true.
Jessica had put on a few pounds.
She had been getting more cranky and moody.
These were all turn-offs for Tom.
He felt kissing her would reward her moody behavior.
Tom said, “Ok, fine. I’ll stop kissing during sex if you don’t like it.”
“That’s not the point. Just, never mind. You never get it!!”, She replied.
Jessica was crying now. She turned away and refused to talk.
Tom felt stumped.
What should he do now?
Manage Conflict With Your Wife By Avoiding Tom’s 3 Mistakes
Mistake #1: Tom tried countering each of Jessica’s objections with a solution.
All he needed to do was affirm her own emotions back to her.
The issue is never what your wife brings up in the moment.
I know, this doesn’t make sense…
Men bring up something because it’s the issue at hand.
But resolving conflict with your wife isn’t logical for her.
Think of the female brain like a pot.
She’s been collecting bits and pieces in this pot for a while.
At some point, she realizes the bits and pieces stink.
She’ll pull one piece out and say it’s why the pot stinks.
The reality is, it’s a combination of many pieces that stink.
So whether she’s complaining about the dishwasher not being loaded, your love language, or the way you laughed when she tripped, her issue is not with that specific thing.
Mistake #2.Tom lowered the bar for her behaviour by withholding praise.
Women grow towards what’s praised or honored.
Men grow towards what’s respected or what feels like freedom.
Here’s a concept that’s hard for men to grasp:
We set the bar for our wife’s behavior by praising her before she reaches it.
Want a wife who is sweet and kind?
Praise her for being sweet and kind.
Want a loving, affectionate wife?
Praise her for loving.
When you demonstrate high regard for her, she grows towards it like a tree grows towards light.
If you never praise her, it only adds to the conflict with your wife.
A win-lose mindset prevents you from praising her.
It will feel like “letting her win”.
An abundance mindset knows that a rising tide raises all boats.
Praising her improves the relationship that YOU are in.
Mistake #3:Tom had stinkin’ thinkin’.
Your feelings come from your perceptions that live in your thoughts.
A negative or victimhood thought pattern will make you experience your wife that way.
Tom needed to relax in his sense of well-being to regulate his own triggers.
He needed to not take his stinkin’ thinkin’ so seriously.
This would have created an energy of understanding and empathy toward Jessica.
Your wife can always smell what you think.
Women’s sixth sense is keen.
That’s why you can’t talk your way out of something you’ve behaved yourself into.
When a man is relaxed in his self-worth and innate value, he doesn’t sink into victimhood when his wife is having “a moment”.
He can remain present in a strong, loving way.
When you provide this kind of emotional leadership, she will sift through all the smelly pieces in her “pot” and get them sorted on her own.
I’m going to show you why it’s so dam attractive when you lead your wife without controlling her.
Leadership is a unique masculine gift, and it’s about giving people choices.
Feminine leadership is about drawing people in through relationships, beauty, or receptivity.
See the difference?
Society teaches that men and women are equals.
It says pointing out differences is “racist” and therefore BAD.
But your marriage will fail without masculine leadership being different from feminine leadership.
That statement I just made will offend many people.
It can push them into the streets to protest for something that nobody can even give them… Their SELF-WORTH.
This is because somewhere along the line, we as a culture have forgotten where our value lies.
We think others can give us value or take it from us.
Value is something nobody can take from you because your value does not lie OUTSIDE you. Your value lies INSIDE who you’re BEING.
When I talk about masculinity and femininity, it has nothing to do with who is better, more powerful, more valuable, or equal.
When I say “masculine leadership,” this in no way implies that women are “less than.”
There are basic rules to our universe:
What goes up must come down
For every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction
What you resist will persist
Polarity creates attraction
A battery needs a positive and a negative post to power electronics.
Without this polarity, your car couldn’t have lights or a radio.
Neither the positive nor the negative post is better than the other.
But both posts are opposites!
If you want to lead your wife without controlling her, you must value how she is your opposite.
Masculine Leadership Feels Safe To Feminine
A car only needs one steering wheel to reach its destination.
When the driver knows where he’s going, he’s confident at the wheel.
When he’s confident at the wheel, everyone onboard can relax.
You can be the feminine energy in your relationship if you want.
Some men feel most alive when they are the flowing, soft, receptive, nurturing partner.
Other men feel most alive when they are clear, direct, logical, and creators of action towards definite plans and a definite purpose.
Many people try to shoot down the latter man because he makes them feel uncomfortable about their own state of inaction or their own lack of purpose.
What the clear, logical man is actually doing is providing masculine leadership.
Feminine leads by drawing things in.
She draws things into her life through beauty, receptivity, relationships, and emotions.
That’s why her Instagram post gets 10k likes, and yours gets 3 (it’s mostly her looks drawing them in).
You lead by what you create.
She leads by what she exposes (like her feelings, looks, etc.)
When you lead your wife without controlling her, she feels free to express her femininity.
She feels free to lead how she’s meant to.
That’s why it’s so dam attractive to her.
Bossing People Around Is Not Leadership
The bully thinks he knows how to lead.
So does the dictator and micromanager.
And we tend to copy the leadership of those we grew up under.
It’s easy to think of leadership as being in charge.
The guy who calls the shots.
The one who bull-dogs his way through life.
But telling people what to do or what we want is not leading them, it’s trying to control them.
Dictating is highly effective but short-lived.
There’s no loyalty, no love, only fear.
Bossing people around doesn’t lead them because you’re trying to push them.
Leaders are out in front.
They go first.
They live by example.
Then they offer choices for others to join.
How To Lead Your Wife Without Controlling Her
Lead Your Wife Without Controlling Her By Offering Choices
Let’s say you and your wife are in the kitchen.
She just said something rude or hurtful.
1. Get curious about how she must feel to make such a rude comment. Lead her to that feeling by suggesting a few feelings you think she might be having. Let her choose the feeling that’s most accurate for her.
2. State how it makes you feel to hear her rude comment rather than sweeping it under the rug. Masculine leadership stays present even with uncomfortable feelings.
3. Lead her to the next step by offering it. If you yell, argue, or shut down, you are leading her to do the same. Never underestimate the power of mirroring neurons in the brain! She feels invited to act how you are acting. She may not always choose it, but hold that bar for both of you.
Another great way to lead your wife without controlling her is to simply say what’s next.
It makes her feel like you’re at the wheel of the car.
Say what your plan is for the day.
Before you disappear into the garage for a project, say you are disappearing into the garage to work on a project.
Even your kids need this kind of leadership.
Let’s say you took them to the park.
You decide it’s time to go.
A leader would say: “Almost time to go! Do you want to get in the car in 5 minutes or in 10 minutes?”
A dictator would say: “Get in the car, we’re leaving!”
The same rules apply to your wife, even if she’s a strong, independent woman.
Giving her choices helps her relax.
Even strong women love to relax.
Lead Your Wife Without Controlling Her By Holding The Wheel
If a car had a steering wheel for each passenger, the destination would never be reached.
Hell, if a car had no steering wheel or GPS guidance system, the destination would never be reached.
Your marriage is that car.
Your marriage will not work unless someone is at the wheel.
I was the man who abandoned the driver’s seat of my marriage because my wife was complaining about my “driving” (and lack of “driving”).
I decided to let her have a turn rather than step up.
She seemed good at planning the weekends, making the phone calls, setting the boundaries, and initiating hard conversations, so I never did.
