Your wife’s love and affection is empowering, but when her commitment is unclear, it can feel like the rug got pulled out. This article will help you take control when your marriage is slipping away by helping you see that nothing done out of fear can create LONG-TERM closeness in a relationship.
The Airplane Of Uncertainty
Imagine you’re on an airplane.
30 minutes into the flight, the intercom comes on.
“Hello, this is your captain speaking. The weather is stormy today! We don’t know our current location or how much fuel we have. On behalf of AAA Airlines, we would like to thank you for choosing us to reach your final destination.”
Very few passengers would remain relaxed with this sort of announcement.
If a glance out the aircraft window revealed smoke from the left engine, fear could turn into panic.
When our wife’s commitment to the marriage becomes uncertain, we can become paralyzed with fear….And panic!
Fear is a deceptive thing.
Reactions from fear FEEL logical in the moment, but fear-based responses RARELY help a critical situation.
“Plane Crash Averted By Passenger Panic,”…said no newspaper title ever!
Here’s the twist.
You’re not a passenger on the “airplane of uncertainty”; you are the captain.
As captain, you can land the plane even if your wife has pulled the eject button.
Many guys I’ve coached found that after he “landed the plane”, his wife’s parachute dropped her back into his love life.
“Landing the plane” means no longer:
Demanding her love and loyalty
Thinking the “other guy” is a threat to getting what you want
Trying to convince her why you are the better choice
Wallowing in your agony
Chasing her for affection and time
Forcing her to be decisive and know what she wants
“Guy drama” comes from our inner little boy, not the mature man.
Little boys fall on the ground at the grocery store and cry for candy when their mommy won’t give it to them.
Little boys also whine, complain, and let their FEELINGS guide their actions.
Trust me, your wife craves a MAN, not a boy.
What To Do When Her Commitment Is Unclear
In the 25-minute video below, I cover 3 areas that will give you more clarity about how to show up as the MAN when your wife is uncertain of her love for you.
I would love for you to have MORE love, MORE attraction, and MORE intimacy in your life!
The season when those things are low can feel brutal.
But you can be confident, secure, and happy RIGHT NOW.
If you’ve read this far, then YOU are the kind of man who has the fortitude to make positive changes.
Your ability to remain unperturbed in your positive, loving, happy, and fun self when your wife’s commitment is unclear is the only path to evoking her desire to join you in being those things.
How do you gain this kind of rock-solid, attractive mojo?
Trying to make your wife love you again is like trying to control the weather. You can DO all the right things. SAY all the right stuff. In the end, her feelings are what they are. So what is in your control? Even though you can’t control her feelings, you can control whether you are the kind of man women are attracted to.
What Women Need To Feel In Love
A few days ago, Google directed a man to my blog because he had a heartfelt question.
His question was, “Can you make your wife love you again?”
No doubt his story is much like yours or mine.
He remembers when his wife used to respond affectionately to his touch.
She would smile when he entered the room.
Her love motivated him to work hard at his job and remain committed to the relationship.
He hoped this was just a phase, but over the months, it has only gotten worse.
Today, he’s wondering if she will ever love him enough to engage in the intimate, respectful, nurturing relationship he craves to have with her.
You see, even if you DO all the right things in your relationship, if you make your wife feel disconnected, pressured, or criticized, you can kiss intimacy goodbye.
Building Connection, Trust, & Emotional Safety With Your Wife
We men tend to focus on what needs to change about our wives for the relationship to work.
Who she is helps us decide if the relationship is worth our effort or not.
But we don’t realize that a lot of how she is comes as a reaction to what it’s like to be around us.
If we defend, explain, or try to use logic to fix her emotions whenever she shares something with us, it communicates that we are insecure in ourselves.
It also communicates that we can’t see past our own discomfort to connect with her feelings.
This makes us feel boyish and like a powerless victim to her.
It should go without saying that being a victim or acting boyish isn’t the path to building a better connection with your wife.
If we take a closer look at ourselves, we might find even deeper issues.
Issues such as…
Feeling like a failure
Aversion to conflict
A knee-jerk response to people-please
Doing things with hidden expectations
These deeper personal issues are what you need to resolve to have a meaningful emotional connection with your wife.
This connection is critical in a long-term relationship.
Without it, she won’t be able to trust herself to be soft and affectionate around you.
What’s 100% In Your Control Right Now?
There are 3 zones in life…
What’s out of our control
What’s under our influence
What’s in our control
Happiness, confidence, clear boundaries, and mojo only come from staying focused on things 100% in your control.
Your wife’s feelings are under your influence, not under your control.
Whenever I speak to a man who is frustrated, lonely, upset, rejected, or in panic mode, it’s because he’s been focusing on things that are either out of his control or only under his influence.
When I’m coaching a man who doesn’t know what to do next in his relationship (limbo) it’s usually because he hasn’t forged an internal masculine frame that is 100% in his control.
Our masculine frame is our blueprint to follow!
Although this sounds like simple advice, many of us didn’t know HOW to build a masculine frame that is 100% in our control before our marriage called for it.
A Call To Confidence
If you have a blueprint or a compass to follow, you will always know how to respond to things like being rejected for sex, marriage limbo, or the uncertainty of her feelings.
Hint: Her feelings are not your compass.
Last year, a man we’ll call John, joined one of my group courses where I teach my masculine confidence framework.
John was down in the dumps.
He and his wife hadn’t had sex in many months.
His wife was unsure if she could continue in their marriage of 25+ years.
6 weeks into the course, everything changed for John!
He learned how to have his own compass to follow even when his wife was withdrawn or emotional.
He learned how to give her emotional space without walking on eggshells around her.
The result?
Her passion for him returned!
To this day, they are both loving a brand new version of their marriage!
In my coaching, I train you to forge an internal locus of control.
This means you learn how to respond from the inside out instead of the outside in.
Being this kind of non-reactive man who can be comfortable in his own skin is the only version of yourself your wife can fall back in love with.
Would you like help identifying the underlying issues that are keeping your marriage stuck?
This is part 3 of a 3-part series called “Failing Marriage: 3 Things To Avoid” (Click HERE to read part 2). I’m about to share my personal experience. I hope you can learn from my mistakes and be all the wiser!
Failing Marriage: 3 Things To Avoid If You Want To Turn It Around
Don’t use triggers to determine your behaviors, choices, or actions.
Don’t assume sacrifices and loyalty will win a woman’s heart (know how to value your differences instead).
Avoid holding out for her if she’s said, “I’m done”.
I know what it’s like to love a woman who doesn’t want to be with you.
I also know what it’s like to love a woman who used to love you, but no longer does.
In my early days, I used logic to try to attract a girl who clearly didn’t love me.
I believed that if I saved myself for her by not dating anyone else, she would end things with her boyfriend.
In my imagined fairytale, she would become my dream wife by falling in love with my devotion and abstinence from other women.
I demonstrated these traits to her by not dating any other girls for YEARS while she dated other guys and was seemingly not interested in me.
Despite her full knowledge of my interest and my years of remaining available for her, it never made her want me.
Even after my divorce, I waited a few years to date.
I tip my hat to you, brother! Saying, “My wife wants a divorce but I don’t” bears testimony of your love and care for the relationship. Trying to keep your family and marriage together is a noble act! This article will help you focus on root issues that must be addressed for your marriage to be saved. I’m including a true story about how one of my clients saved his marriage.
Do Not Do What You Feel Like Doing
Notice how paramedics behave when they show up to the scene of an accident.
They arrive calm, intentional, and focused on their role without adding to the drama.
Almost all the things you feel like saying, feel like doing, and feel should make your wife want to stay in the marriage will only push her away.
The reason is simple.
Right now, you are in a state of fear and desperation.
You’re insecure about the future of your marriage.
Have you ever met a desperate salesperson?
Did you want to buy from them?
I think you see my point.
To save your marriage, you’ll need to do things that will feel counterintuitive.
The proof is in the pudding; just read the true story below.
Paul Told Me, “My Wife Wants A Divorce But I Don’t!”
Paul came to me desperate to save his marriage of 10 years.
Over the last two years, he had tried to be the best husband possible to turn his marriage around.
Then he learned his wife had been having an emotional affair.
Ugh.
Paul was hurt beyond words.
He’d cut off his right arm if it could save his marriage and keep his family together.
About 20 minutes into our conversation, it became obvious what was wrong with his relationship.
Paul’s wife had become her own man.
We can identify when our wife has become her own man when she…
Is making most of the decisions
Is the only one addressing conflict with friends and family
Has been in charge of the romance department for a long time
Is being logical, punctual, and direct
Acts from her thinking instead of her heart
Notices what needs to be done and goes first
The magic formula for marriage to work is for the man to be masculine and for the woman to be feminine.
Men can choose to be masculine whenever they want.
However, a woman isn’t necessarily able to be feminine whenever she wants.
Like a flower that needs water, soil, and sunlight, a woman’s femininity needs a safe environment to emerge.
Women who become their own men are made, not born.
For many years, Paul had been wishy-washy in his choices.
He avoided conflict and placated to whatever would make his wife happy.
Pleasing her during intimacy was his source of personal validation.
Since he didn’t want to come off as an asshole, he would always agree with her and not set boundaries.
His mantra had been, “Happy wife, happy life”.
And that set his wife up to feel alone and unprotected.
Her fun, flirty, soft, and affectionate side needed a knight standing at the door for her to feel safe.
A knight is NOT:
A people pleaser
Reactive
Conflict avoidant
Afraid of her emotions
Easily triggered
Those traits make women feel like they have to fend for their own safety.
A woman who fends for her own safety will put up her guard and become her own man.
There is ZERO chemistry once your wife becomes her own man.
How Paul Saved His Marriage
Paul and I worked together for almost nine months.
Over that time, we focused on building his masculine frame so he could have confidence in his relationship.
He learned how to respond from his own agency and to interact with his wife from a place of empathy and curiosity.
The biggest test to his confidence came when I told him, “If you love her, you need to let her go.”
He finally accepted that if she couldn’t see a future with him, then she was free to go.
This was not an easy choice, and it weighed heavily on him for weeks.
Paul focused on self-care and spent time with quality men he looked up to.
Then, one day, (when he least expected it) his wife called off the divorce.
They made love that night and to this day are still together.
Their marriage is very different now since Paul is leading the relationship with his masculine frame.
His wife is learning to relax into her feminine energy and let go of things as Paul takes the lead.
Have You Said, “My Wife Wants A Divorce But I Don’t”?
If you’re ready to be guided on a path of building your masculine frame, then reach out.
The masculine confidence framework I teach men enables the kind of environment women need to relax into their affectionate, vulnerable, soft, and juicy side.
Our first call is free!
I was once that guy who called a mentor and said, “My wife wants a divorce but I don’t”.
I’m ready to share all the insights I’ve collected over the years to help your marriage!
I promise you’ll gain instant clarity about what to do differently in your relationship.
When your marriage is failing, it can feel like being stuck on a runaway train heading straight for a concrete wall, and you have no idea how to hit the brakes. This article and video give three steps to maximize your chances of saving your relationship.
Men Who Saved Their Marriage Took These 3 Steps
It’s a lonely season when Google is the only person you can turn to when your marriage is suffering.
You’re completely alone, trying to fix problems with your wife that you have no idea how to fix.
But you don’t have to feel alone.
I connect men into a brotherhood where they share sage old wisdom unfiltered.
Here is some of that wisdom…
When Your Marriage Is Failing, Take These 3 Steps
Step 1: Don’t do what you feel like doing
When your relationship is struggling, doing what you feel like doing almost always makes matters worse.
Do you feel like begging? Don’t.
Want to get her a dozen roses? Don’t.
Think it’s time for an ultimatum or a letter declaring your undying love? Don’t.
Everything done out of separation just feels needy to her.
There is a time to boldly and confidently declare your wants, but at this point of marriage collapse, you have way too much fear and anxiety in your blood for your actions not to reek of desperation.
Step 2: Come to terms that the marriage cannot be worked on.
We can only work on one thing, and that is ourselves.
The “relationship” is what happens when you are around her.
It’s a natural result of what you are like, mixed with what she is like.
Take responsibility for your 50% and only work on YOU.
You need to grow the biggest pair of balls you’ve ever had and let the version of the relationship you’ve been feeding in your head go.
That means dropping the idea that she’s a total bitch or that she’s your “one and only”.
When your marriage is failing, it’s easy to assume that if you stop fighting for the relationship, it will end.
Or maybe you fear she’ll run off with the neighbor or forget all about you.
These are all fear-based assumptions that are simply not true.
I see it all the time… men who NEED the relationship to work end up divorced.
What we want in life can never be created from a place of fear, demanding, or chasing.
If your wife smells any of that on you, she’s out.
It feels controlling and unloving to her.
Things like love, affection, and a deep relationship cannot be white-knuckled into existence.
Trying to “work on the relationship” is the same as trying to fly a kite when there is no wind.
No amount of fixing or tweaking the kite will allow it to soar until there is wind.
Being a man of momentum who is unshakable in himself, has a specific purpose he’s passionate about, and fearlessly creates the experiences he loves in life is the wind your relationship needs.
Step 3: Let her come to you.
Your wife can’t come to you if you’re not standing somewhere solid for her to join.
Want her to be happy? Figure out how to be happy yourself.
Want her to respect you? Show her respect.
I know your deepest desire is to give your failing marriage the best chance for survival.
To be chosen, desired, and sought after again, you’ll need to give her choices.
Instead of chasing her, you need to back off.
Back off from needing to know “why” and back off from trying to fix it.
If you’re full of anger, resentment, expectations, and gloom, it’s a low bar for her to join you at.
Invite her to a juicy, interesting, exciting way of doing life by living it now, even if she doesn’t join.
Here’s the “ya but” I hear from men: “Ya but Garrett, being apart too much is what got us here. My situation is unique. I think we need to grow closer and spend more time together to rebuild our connection.”
That sounds logical, but the numbers do not lie.
I never see my clients save their marriages by spending more time with their wife once she’s said the words “I need space”, “I can’t keep doing this”, or “I want a divorce”.
What you can do is invite her into awesome things you love doing AFTER giving her at least 3-6 months of space.
Backing off for a few weeks isn’t enough time when your marriage is failing.
If you’ve been married for over 25 years, you’ll probably have to give space for 12-24 months.
This is not a race.
You didn’t get her overnight; you won’t be getting out of it overnight.
Progress needs to be slow and steady for her to trust it.
If you want a long-term relationship, you need to understand the crucial stages to lasting love. I usually show men a few slides when they reach out for a consultation. They help you understand the stages every marriage goes through. I put the slides in this article so you can see what I mean! I go even more in-depth in the video below.
5 Crucial Stages To Lasting Love In Marriage
Many men want a better marriage, but they feel alone and uncertain about what to do.
It seems like every conversation and promise to improve only digs them into a deeper hole.
But talk with other men and you’ll quickly realize we’re all in the same boat, experiencing similar relationship dynamics.
I want to give full credit to Dr. Jed Diamond for introducing me to the 5 crucial stages to lasting love.
Based on my marriage and the many men I’ve helped, I’ve adjusted these stages to what I’ve seen most guys (and myself) experience.
I’ve also added more information about what women specifically experience when they’re questioning if they married the wrong man.
The 5 Crucial Stages To Lasting Love
Here are the 5 seasons I see every marriage go through:
New Relationship Season
Monogamous Season
Bonded Partner Season
Disillusionment Season
Long-Term Love Season
It’s important to recognize which season you’re in so you can make the right choices.
Each of these seasons needs something different to add spark and love back into the relationship.
For example, giving your partner flowers in the monogamous season will warm her heart.
But in the disillusionment season, flowers won’t do much for her.
This is why you can’t apply random Instagram dating advice to a marriage of 15 years.
Another example is having a date night.
Date nights in the monogamous season will make your wife feel close to you, even if all you do is show up to the date.
By the bonded partner season, you’d better know how to lead an emotional connection with her on that date, or it won’t do much for your marriage.
Her fears started the day you first met and will continue to evolve.
It’s in her nature.
Fears like, “Where is this going?” and “Am I good enough?”
Allison Armstrong compares women’s need for reassurance to that of a strainer… everything you pour in drains out.
Did you love her yesterday?
Did you connect with her yesterday?
Did you show leadership yesterday?
In her world, all of that is gone today like water through a strainer.
Whatever you created with her TODAY is all she has to ride on.
How you act RIGHT NOW, in this conversation, is as good as the marriage will ever be (in her eyes).
How The 5 Crucial Stages To Lasting Love Unfold
A new relationship season swamps your brain in dopamine.
That’s the first of the 5 crucial stages to lasting love.
This stage is easy!
A simple touch or eye gaze feels electric and sensual.
However, women feel a lot more fear daily than men do.
When you start getting affectionate with a girl you like, she soon wants to know, “What are we?”.
Most guys settle her fear by assuring her he’s no longer pursuing other girls.
Making her your girlfriend calms her relationship anxiety for a few years at most.
Eventually, she brings up her next fear: “Are we going to tie the knot?”
We men tend to keep resolving her fears as they come up.
After the proposal, we address where we’ll live, if we’ll have kids, if we’ll have chickens, etc.
Once we put a ring on her finger and settle all these fears, most men start coasting through life.
We behave as if we can’t lose her.
By this point, you’re having lots of sex.
The release of oxytocin suppresses dopamine in your brain.
The result?
You feel like bonded family, not honeymoon lovers.
You tend to act more domesticated, abandoning the majority of your hobbies, friendships, and freedoms for her and the family.
You’re at your lowest point of attractiveness during this stage.
Many women have a midlife crisis at this point, since life feels like it isn’t going anywhere.
Welcome to the disillusionment stage, where both the husband and wife question if they married the wrong person.
Maybe that’s why you’re reading this now.
Disillusionment is the 4th step in the 5 crucial stages to lasting love.
You’re so close!
But this is the stage where divorce happens 75% of the time if the man doesn’t understand it.
Her 5 Stages Of Disillusionment
Here are the 5 stages I see women go through once they enter the disillusionment stage:
Self-Improvement Stage
Checking Out Stage
I’m Not In Love With You Stage
I Need Space Stage
I’m Done Stage
If you catch the signs of her disillusionment early, you have a much higher chance of saving the marriage.
But most of us totally missed the warning signs of the self-improvement stage
She started doing more work around the house
She tried initiating sex more
Maybe she started going to therapy or the gym
It’s easy to think her self-improvement stage is just her finally getting her stuff figured out!
What’s really happening is she’s giving the marriage one last shot.
Her taking the lead in a relationship like this isn’t natural for her.
As a result, she often experiences burnout.
Once she burns out, she checks out.
The self-improvement stage is easy to miss since we think the marriage is improving by her making an effort
If you make no effort for your self-improvement during this time, your wife will enter the “checking out season”.
You’ll get obligation sex from her in the “checking out season”.
She’ll complain less, too.
That’s because women only complain when they care about things.
Her care is dropping.
The ship starts to sink fast once she checks out because not long after, she’ll say the words, “I love you, but I’m not in love with you“.
If you continue to be the same guy you’ve always been in the relationship, divorce is on the horizon.
The path to divorce starts with her entering the “I need space” season.
You’ll know she’s in the “I need space season” when:
She doesn’t want you in the room when she changes
She’s making plans or traveling without you
She’s spending most weekends away from the house
She’s sleeping separately or wanting her own place
What most of us experience over this time is “the ice queen”.
Her closed-off, icy moods are like a zombie version of who we knew our wife to be in years past.
How You Can Take Charge Of The 5 Crucial Stages To Lasting Love
Building a life around shared values is the only way you can lead a relationship out of the disillusionment season and into the lasting love season.
This does NOT mean you have long conversations about values to convince your wife to stay.
The tone in your voice, how you handle your emotions, staying connected to your wellbeing…That is how she FEELS your values.
There is deeper work to do.
Many coaches are only helping men go from point A to point B.
I do transformational coaching so that you can self-coach, self-source confidence, and be self-assured that you are making the right choice 100% of the time.
I compare it to teaching someone how to shop for food vs how to grow their own food…Which guy do you think will confidently survive an apocalypse?
If you’re ready to step up and lead the 5 crucial stages to lasting love, reach out.
I promise you’ll have a better sense of what to do after we talk.
If your wife is unhappy in your marriage and she just said, “I’m done,” you’re probably wondering what that means and if there’s hope. Below is a story based on true events. If you can relate to the story, pay special attention to the two mistakes you do not want to make right now.
She Said, “I’m Done” – Is The Marriage Really Over?? 2 Mistakes To Avoid
She Said, “I’m Done” – The Honest Truth
When your wife said, “I’m done,” she meant it 100%.
I’ve interviewed many divorced women.
Here’s what they tell me…
When she said, I’m done,” she had been thinking about ending the marriage for at least the last two years.
You might feel blindsided, but it’s old news for her.
Here moods and irrational behaviors over the last few years?
Trust me, feeling “done” is not what your wife wants to feel either.
She wishes she could feel how she used to feel towards you.
But she can’t find the feeling inside her.
Not right now.
Women find a sense of loyalty and honor in following their feelings.
For her, it feels like infidelity to stay in a relationship with someone she doesn’t have feelings for.
But think about it…
You’re over the current version, too.
You’ve both settled.
Placated.
You deserve better (and so does she).
The painful part is that you will have to let her go if she is to ever come back.
When you don’t honor her request to end the relationship, she feels you are against her, not for her.
No amount of trying harder will impress her at this point.
It’s too little too late for marriage counseling and date nights.
If you oppose her desire to separate, it sends the message that you don’t value her best interest or her feelings.
If you dismiss her words as not being serious, she’ll say things like, “You’re not hearing me”, “I hate that you always try to control me,” or “You’re not seeing me for who I am”.
For the woman, she’s thinking, “How could any self-respecting man stay with a woman who doesn’t love him or treat him well??”
She knows she hasn’t been a loving, affectionate, committed wife lately… and trust me, she hates herself for it.
As bleak as this sounds, there is hope!
Are you wondering what makes a woman circle back??
Just keep reading…
Michael & Tracy Meet A Crossroad
As the sun dipped beneath the horizon, casting a warm glow across the landscape, Michael and Tracy drove home from what should have been a memorable vacation.
However, the journey had turned sour, with tension steadily mounting between them.
Their bickering started over something trivial, but soon escalated into a heated argument about their future together.
Words were said that neither really meant, and emotions ran high for Michael when she said, “I’m done, I want a divorce.”
Stunned and hurt, Michael tried to keep his composure as he focused on the road.
He stole glances at Tracy, her tear-streaked face turned away from him.
He felt a growing sense of panic.
The weight of her words bore heavily on him, the thought of losing her causing his heart to ache.
Michael desperately wanted to get this tension resolved.
He pressed Tracy with questions like, “Why didn’t you say something sooner so we could have worked it out? Does everything I’ve sacrificed mean nothing to you? Why can’t you let me love you?”
They drove in silence for what felt like an eternity, each lost in their thoughts and struggling to find a way to bridge the divide that had grown between them.
The drive home, which should have been a time of bonding and sharing memories, had become a painful reminder of their crumbling 10-year relationship.
Later that night, as the world outside turned dark and quiet, Michael found himself unable to sleep.
He tossed and turned, his mind tormented by the memory of Tracy’s words.
Seeking a semblance of hope, he opened his laptop and started browsing Airbnb listings for their next vacation.
He presented his findings to Tracy with excitement, hoping to reignite their shared love for travel.
However, Tracy responded with fury, insisting that he wasn’t listening to her.
The confusion in Michael’s eyes mirrored the turmoil within him.
He couldn’t comprehend the sudden shift in her emotions.
Hadn’t she just snuggled up to him when they crawled into bed a few hours earlier?
Love and emotions are complex, and in the depths of Tracy’s heart, the turmoil was far from simple.
She felt torn, her emotions swirling in a tempest of hurt and longing.
The earlier cuddle had been a desperate attempt to hold on to the love they once had, to feel a fleeting connection amidst the chaos.
The pain and confusion intensified for Michael, unable to decipher the mixed signals he received.
He yearned for the woman he loved, yet he felt powerless to mend the shattered pieces of their relationship.
Over the next few weeks, Michael scheduled marriage counseling sessions, emailed his wife articles about relationship improvement, and had many long talks about “the relationship” with Tracy.
This only made matters worse.
Within 3 months, Tracy filed for divorce.
Don’t Press For “Why” If She Said, “I’m Done”
I said earlier that there are some mistakes you want to avoid.
Here’s the first: Don’t press your wife for…
WHY she feels unattracted
WHY she’s “done”
Or WHY the marriage is crumbling.
I’m a man like you, and I know exactly why you want to know “why”… because you want to fix it!
Fixing “problems” in a relationship has never saved a marriage.
Problems are symptoms, not causes!
The root issue is that both you and your wife have a FEELING you don’t like.
You can’t wag a dog by wagging its tail.
A happy dog wags its own tail.
Two peoplebuilding their own happiness apart from each otherand then rejoining to SHARE in each other’s happy lives creates a healthy marriage.
Your wife’s happiness is her own journey to figure out.
Right now, your insecurities, fear of loneliness, anxiety, and lack of confidence are YOUR journey to figure out.
Behind 99% of unpleasant feelings is insecurity.
Resolving insecurity saves many marriages.
Take Sex Off The Table If She Said, “I’m Done”
This is the 2nd mistake that’s easy to make.
You think hot, passionate sex will make her love you gain.
Giving back rubs…teasing her erogenous zones… lighting candles…none of these acts of seduction will restore your wife’s desire for you!
Women only feel sexual desire when they feel attraction for you.
For her, attraction doesn’t come from long kisses and more lube.
Her attraction is like a flower.
With the right environment in place… the right sun, the right soil, the right timing, the right energy (a whole host of things) her attraction opens!
That’s why saving marriages is a game of inches, not a single act of undying love.
Right now, the soil in your marriage is a desert.
She can’t force herself to open to you sexually when she’s a parched flower.
So what sort of things does a woman need to feel attraction in a long-term relationship?
She needs to FEEL you have:
Safety
Trust
Space
Strength
Adventure
Excitement
Mystery
Emotional Range
Value
Relaxation
Newness
Heart
Boundaries
Self-Control
Power
Empathy
Courage
…And that’s just the start.
Feel overwhelmed?
Don’t be.
You demonstrated these traits when you first met her…naturally!
They are already inside you.
Disappointment and resentment are making it hard to act on them.
But even if you demonstrate these traits 100% tonight, she won’t feel attraction until she feels them consistently over a long period of time.
Your marriage did not end up on the rocks overnight; you will not get the marriage back on track overnight.
When she said, “I’m done”, it was a cry for relief.
It could take 6 months… it could take 6 years.
Eventually her emotions calm down, the pain fades into the background, and the good memories rise back to the surface.
The question glaring in your face is: what are you going to do with this time?
You can resist divorce all you want, but once she said, “I’m done,” that resistance won’t save the marriage.
Most of the men I know who saved their marriage had to first be ok with losing it.
How Things Turned Out For Michael
Despite a soul-crushing divorce, Michael’s determination to improve himself as a man kept him going.
He sought the mentorship of an old friend named Bill, who had already walked this road.
Bill helped Michael stay focused on what was 100% in his control.
Change seemed slow at first, but as the months went by, Michael felt a new kind of power growing in him.
The man he allowed himself to be in the marriage (sexually needy, defensive, irritated, and blameless) was nowhere close to the man he knew he was meant to be.
Michael’s confidence increased.
He walked taller.
His self-esteem came back.
Michael found he could relax his reactionswhen faced with feminine emotions andlead women out of their heads with his calm empathy.
In time, women took notice…Even his ex-wife!
By now, some time had passed since she said, “I’m done”
24 months to be exact.
And by now, Michael was a new man.
Tracy was also a new woman!
She realized after spending many months away from Michael that most of her hurt and pain was not because of him.
She, too, faced her own triggers and matured as a woman.
It was like getting to know each other again for the first time.
What To Do Once You Let Her Go
I work with men every day to help them become the attractive, confident, happy man they love to be.
It’s only in seasons without feminine support that you reach your next level of maturity.
When you level up with your new mojo, women take notice.
Sometimes, that woman is your separated wife.
What we should have done the moment she said, “I’m done,” was take all our pain, anger, and sadness AWAY from the relationship and into our support group.
When guys start mentorship with me, the first thing they gain is access to is an incredible group of men who will support them no matter what.
Many men reach a point of growth where they realize the woman they once cherished may not align with their new, amazing life.
I help men get clear on their values, purpose, and mission so they have a clear answer to give their wife if…scratch that…WHEN she circles back.
Your story has no negative ending when you level upto being a confident, happy man who creates an amazing life!
I guarantee the best is yet to come when you use this time to grow as a man.
Let’s cool your frantic anxiety & give you the best shot for a marriage 2.0 even if she said, “I’m done”.
When you feel unloved, it’s tempting to pout, get angry, or blame feminism. It’s hard when your love tank is running on fumes. If that’s you, let’s take a hard look at your options. There are some mistakes men tend to make when they feel unloved that only push love further away.
Rekindling Affection: 2 Mistakes Men Make When Feeling Unloved
Take The Focus Off Her If You Feel Unloved
Taking the focus off your wife might sound illogical.
If your wife makes you feel unloved, shouldn’t she step up and be more loving?
You miss her flirty looks and admiration.
Her touch makes you feel special.
But complaining or demanding love doesn’t create love.
You can’t control your wife to make her sweeter and more loving.
Exerting stress, anxiety, complaints, and despair towards things outside your control is a lose-lose.
I get it.
Love & affection feel amazing!
But when the morning cuddles stop, and you feel unloved, you’re suddenly reliant on your own love.
You’re stepping out of your manly power when you lose sleep, agonize, and bang your head on the wall over stuff you have no control over!
This concept isn’t new.
The stoics of old like Marcus Aurelius warned that things outside your control are things you shouldn’t worry about.
How your wife feels is 100% outsideyour control.
I know what your man brain is thinking…“If we fix our issues, she’ll desire me again!”
No brother, “fixing issues” has never saved a marriage… but “fixing” your own insecurities can!
YOU are always 100% in YOUR control.
Spending large amounts of mental, emotional, and physical energy over your wife’s lack of desire will do nothing for improvement.
In fact, the guy who is most attractive to your wife is the guy who isn’t attached to specific outcomes.
A man who complains about his job, wife, government, lack of sex, or anything outside his control is a powerless man.
Her attraction is awakened by a man who maintains his power by not playing the victim.
If You Feel Unloved, Focus On What’s In Your Control
Directing your focus, thoughts, energy, and time towards something only within your zone of influence drains you.
Your love tank is already low.
It’s time to fill it.
Not from her, but by engaging in things that ENERGIZE you.
Things that put you in a better mood and make you happy.
No amount of influence will ever control someone else 100%.
Humans are not robots.
Other people have their own brains and end up doing what they want.
This one is sticky since sometimes you can influence someone to be different.
This is more the exception than the rule, though.
If you apply massive amounts of mental, emotional, and physical energy trying to influence others to be what you want, you’re putting yourself at their mercy.
It’s not pleasant when you feel unloved, but you need to think like a CREATOR (the opposite of a victim).
There are some rules of attraction you should know about.
Want love? Be loving.
Want respect? Then respect.
Want trust? Then trust.
Your marriage reaches a stalemate if you wait for her to stop making you feel unloved.
How To Get Your Mojo Back
Did the sun ever complain, chase you down, or demand attention for its sunsets to be attractive?
Has the sun ever postponed an amazing sunset because nobody gave it appreciation?
No, the sun is just doing what it does, and at some point, a bystander looks up and says, “Wow, that’s an amazing sunset!”
This is what you become when you stop attaching to outcomes and only focus on what’s in your zone of control.
Things like maintaining happiness right to the end, money, and living an unchained life appear when you pour as much energy as possible into things 100% inside your control.
This kind of man steps into his full power by no longer keeping others accountable for his happiness or the shine he puts off.
And that’s dam attractive – the opposite of chasing love!
95% of men choose not to focus on what’s directly inside their control because doing so requires a hard look at their “ya buts”.
Ya but, if I ask for sex, she’ll reject me
Ya but, if I change jobs, I’ll lose my retirement
Ya but, I can’t open my marriage and have sex with other women, my wife will hate me
Ya but, I can’t move, my kids have friends here
Those “Ya buts” are what confident men choose to face when life isn’t providing what they want.
Everything you have in life you’ve chosen.
You chose your wife…You chose your home…You chose your car.
When those things are frustrating, you’re living with what YOU chose.
You can always choose a NEW response, attitude, mindset, or tone.
You can make NEW choices when you face your “Ya buts.“
A man who remains unrattled by focusing on what’s in his control is no wimp and is very attractive to women!
The saying is true, “You have to let her go to get her back.”
REALLY let her go, I might add.
This sounds so paradoxical when you feel unloved.
Everything in you wants to tell her to get her shit together.
But that’s not love, it’s desperation.
If you’re struggling to be the kind of man who operates in his zone of control or has been limiting his life with“ya buts,” then reach out.
My coaching is exactly what you need to rewire your brain so you can attract what you want.
This article sheds light on why good women leave good men even after many years together. I’m not some guru. What you read in this article is my own contemplation. I could be dead wrong. What do you think? Tell me in the comments!
A Controversial Reason Why Women Leave Good Men
Good Women Leave Good Men Without The Right Kind Of Love
There are 3 types of love.
EROS: Romantic, sexual love
AGAPE: Caring love
PHILEO: Family bonding love
The world is filled with honest, good-intending, devoted, loving men who care deeply for their partner.
Men are straight shooters when it comes to love.
Either we always had a “thing” for a specific woman, or we didn’t.
Once a girl wins our heart, our love is permanent.
Just like our preference for the shirt we liked 10 years ago.
In my experience, something binds inside us guys when we “fall in love” with a woman.
Our eros & agape literally fuse together.
That means our romantic love and our caring love for her transcend life’s circumstances.
All of us men know what it’s like to care deeply for a woman and feel our primal urge to protect, care, provide, and give pleasure even if she doesn’t give two hoots about us.
It’s a kind of love that doesn’t even need to be reciprocated by her.
A Man’s Love Rarely Stops When She Doesn’t Love Him Back
Masculine love becomes unconditional towards a woman once eros and agape fuse together.
Even if our partner becomes the devil, rejects us, or has an affair, we still care for her on a primal level.
We don’t like what she’s doing, we prefer she change, but we still love her.
I know in my life, I can look back and still feel caring, romantic love for all the women I’ve fallen in love with (even if they never loved me in return).
Once Eros and Agape bind in us towards a woman, we can end up tolerating very toxic or unhealthy behaviors from her unless we have clear standards around what kinds of people we allow into our lives.
For this reason, it’s imperative to have clear boundaries around who we commit to regardless of how we feel.
Female Love Is Different Software
I don’t think eros and agape bind in a woman.
She feels them independently, one from the other.
This is my personal observation at least.
Women seem to have a binding of agape and philo which manifests as her mothering instincts for her family.
One could argue when a woman falls for a man, it’s more intense than we experience it.
But a woman’s eros (sexual) love for a man is fragile.
Eros, the erotic love, is based on how she feels RIGHT NOW.
It comes and goes.
What doesn’t come and go for her is the family bonding and caring love.
Even when a wife divorces her husband, she still feels bonded to him.
But the sexual attraction is long gone.
And you?
You’ll still get turned on by her.
When a woman loses her eros (sexual) love for her partner, she’s out.
Are you starting to see why good women leave good men?
The husband and wife are not bad people, but they need to feel all 3 versions of love.
And each has a different idea of what those versions are.
Good Women Leave Good Men When They LoseErotic Love
Why do women lose erotic love?
It’s not because you’re ugly or because you snore.
Her erotic love is a result of feeling like you understand and can handle her emotions.
This is the polar opposite of men.
Men feel erotic love based on how beautiful she is (inside and out).
By the time you’re asking how to give your wife space, your marriage is suffering pretty badly. You’ve already begged, pleaded, cried, demanded, and tried to be Prince Charming. The result? Your wife needs space or says, “I love you, but I’m not in love with you”. That was my experience at least. But after working with tons of men in struggling relationships, I’ve realized you and I are not alone. Let’s talk about how to give your wife space in a way that I see working best for my clients.
How To Give Your Wife Space Without Losing Her
Why Your Wife Wants Space
Don’t worry about why.
Seriously, it’s a moving target.
And your questions are what moves it.
Why can’t we work this out?
Why didn’t you say something sooner?
Why is this happening to me?
Why are you being so cold?
Why can’t we have sex?
Your questions about her lack of commitment and desire are what’s driving her need for space.
Keep pelting her with those, and you’ll lose her fast.
Needing to know “why” is a primal drive in men, so I get why you feel the urge.
But pretty much everything your urges are telling you right now will drive her right out of your life.
You don’t learn how to give your wife space by fixing problems with the marriage.
You learn how by detaching from her needing to change for you to be ok.
Women always sense your motives.
She can smell that motive a mile away.
Your unease, restlessness, and desperation stink so bad right now, she needs space from it.
Trying to sort why she needs space with her is like puking on the floor and then shoving her face in it to identify what bad food you ate… all while she’s sick with COVID.
This is NOT how you attract loving desire from your wife.
How To Give Your Wife Space Without Pushing Her Away
Don’t resist her need for space.
Set her free.
Your FEAR that she won’t return is what you and I need to have a talk about.
Build ANYTHING in life out of fear, and it will be subpar.
I explain how to give your wife space as if you have a fish on the line.
It’s not about how much line to let out before you lose the fish.
If you’ve ever hooked a big bass, you know to let the drag out so the line doesn’t snap.
The way to give your wife space without losing her is to loosen the drag.
Many online influencers talk about their “5-step plan to get her back” or “the no contact rule” to get her back.
These tactics provide quick positive results IF you’ve only been dating or married for less than 24 months.
Long-term relationships are a whole different breed.
Your wife of many years won’t be fooled by games or tactics.
You’ve both grown apart over the years, and “no contact” would be more of the same.
When you let the drag out, it’s about releasing tension, not avoiding her.
In my book, I explain the 5 seasons every marriage goes through.
This helps you understand what your wife needs most during each season to remain attracted to you.
The biggest mistake you can make right now is to act on impulse, fear, and desperation instead of clarity, calmness, and self-reliance for your happiness.
Sobbing tears about how much she’s hurting you will only repulse her.
She craves spine.
A man who doesn’t need her validation.
A man who is secure enough to let her go.
Taking the high road like this is a choice.
It’s where you drop resentment, anger, and all your hate about how she’s acting.
If you want something to reel in, reel in that stuff.
You have to TRUST that taking the high road IS THE ONLY WAY to lead a relationship to a better place.
How To Give Your Wife Space In 4 Steps
Don’t get her flowers, declare your undying love, or try to get her turned on for sex
Don’t follow her around or phone her “just to check in”
Don’t track her, plan things for her to show up to, confide in your in-laws, or try to sway her friends (especially the in-laws)
Don’t have long conversations about the relationship, beg, convince, present your case for why this can be fixed, or try to buy her back with a new house or truck (I know guys who tried this!!).
If you do these things, you will be divorced within a few months.
What To Do With Yourself So You Don’t Lose Your Wife
Pour all your focus into improving yourself as a virile, purpose-filled, confident man who lives a life he loves.
Hold yourself to what makes you a high-value man by your own standards.
Use this opportunity to launch, create, or dive into something not practical to execute when tied to the time constraints of a relationship.
Share your needs, anxiety, loneliness, expectations, and attachment to outcomes with men. Men are your new source of validation, not her.
A man who respects himself won’t try to be in a relationship with someone who doesn’t want to be with him.
If you don’t respect yourself, your wife never will either.
Here are the words of an attractive, confident man who respects himself:
“I understand you need space and feel uncertain about your feelings for me, sweetie. I’ll be glad to give you 4 months of separation. If after that time you don’t want to be with me, I’m prepared to let you go.“
This shows masculine energy by taking leadership of the situation.
It lifts a tremendous amount of PRESSURE off her by being the one who sorts out the logistics.
If I could summarize how to give your wife space in two words, it would be this: REMOVE PRESSURE.
Pressure to stay
Pressure to know how long she will need space
Pressure to give you assurance
Pressure by guilting her or trying to make her feel obligated
Any interaction you have with your wife during separation (no matter how small) is an opportunity to show her a whole new version of you.
A version that is inspired, fulfilled, happy, calm, and takes leadership.
A man who doesn’t pressure her for certainty or need any specific outcome to be ok.
Afraid Your Wife Will Have An Afair If You Back Off?
If she has an affair, you will simply execute your boundary.
Trying to manipulate situations to prevent a feared outcome is very indirect and repulsive to feminine.
And be honest, you don’t like being that guy anyway.
Focus on being the right man and let the wrong women sluff away.
My Masculine Confidence Framework Teaches You How To Give Your Wife Space
Without clarity, there can be no confidence.
Worrying and fretting about how to give your wife space without losing her is a life of walking on eggshells.
It’s not attractive.
Guy’s I coach dramatically speed up their evolution into being an attractive man who women don’t need space from.
In fact, you’ll be able to sit on the same couch and give her all the space she needs.
But right now, you’re new to this.
You should probably send her to her sister’s place or move her into the spare room so she can get immediate relief from your pressure.
Then you & I will dig into the deeper issues you need to face while she gets a break from the old you.
Understanding how to embody masculine traits, lead with confidence, and uphold strong personal standards will significantly transform your relationships with women.
