When your relationship feels rocky, things like your wife’s guy friends will feel threatening to your marriage. Here’s a story to help you understand why trying to control your wife’s behaviours doesn’t fix the deeper issues that are eroding her respect for you.
It’s August.
Friday, 3:29 PM to be exact.
David gets home from work early for the first time in months.
His wife’s co-worker’s car is parked in his driveway.
Why was he over?
Something didn’t feel right.
David walks into his house.
He hears the TV on in the other room.
After setting his lunchbox down in the kitchen, he enters his bedroom.
David’s wife is shocked that he’s there.
“Why are you home so early? Get out! We’re watching a movie!” She shouts.
Seeing his wife and her coworker sitting on his bed watching a movie freezes him.
His blood runs cold, and his hands shake.
Part of David wants to strangle the other guy, kick him out, and demand answers.
But his wife’s guy friends have been a touchy topic in the past.
David goes back to his truck and leaves the property before he does something he regrets.
His gut feels like it’s been stabbed by a knife, and he wants to puke.
What did he just see, and what would be the right way to handle it?
In that moment, he felt something he didn’t expect.
He felt sorry for his wife.
Their relationship had become strained that summer.
He cried.
They hadn’t had sex in weeks.
He felt abandoned, betrayed, and missed the connection they used to have.
David became determined to get to the bottom of whatever was wrong in his marriage.
How David Tried To Fix His Marriage
David’s wife was waiting for him when he returned home.
She didn’t say anything about having her co-worker over.
When David brings it up, she flips it back on him.
“He’s just a friend, and we were just watching a movie, what’s your problem??” She defends.
But David wasn’t buying it.
“I don’t want you to ever have him over again, do you understand?” He replied.
“In fact, I don’t want you ever talking to him again, either.”
Setting the boundary felt good.
But David’s wife just rolled her eyes.
“Ok, fine, but I hate that you are so controlling,” she said.
What Happened To David’s Marriage
Fast forward a few months.
David’s wife told him that she didn’t love him anymore and that she needed space.
The 2 mistakes that push your wife further away are often the very things men do when they’re trying to save their marriage. When fear takes over, your instincts can sabotage attraction, connection, and respect without you realizing it. If your wife is pulling away emotionally, these behaviors will accelerate the distance between you.
Mistake #1: Thinking A PLAN To Fix The Issue Will Help
When your wife isn’t sure she loves you anymore and starts sleeping in the spare room, your instinct is to solve the issue with a plan.
You:
Schedule counseling
Force long conversations
Analyze problems
Demand clarity
Try to “fix” the relationship
Let’s be brutally honest with ourselves: we men feel a little relief when there is a plan in place.
The mistake is to think she will also feel relief by a plan being in place.
Women only find relief by getting away from whatever causes their suffering.
The very plan that lowers your anxiety is going to increase hers.
Giving her space is what she needs most right now, not a 2-hour counseling session with the pastor at your church.
I know it sounds backwards.
If the transmission went out in your car, you would feel relief once the shop has your car on its schedule.
But you can’t treat your wife like a broken-down car and expect her to fall back in love.
The more you push her to talk, explain, or process feelings, the more trapped she may feel.
Space creates relief and shows that you respect what she needs.
Mistake #2: Acting From Desperation and Over-Pursuing
When a man feels his wife pulling away, panic sets in.
What do most men do when their business is struggling, or their truck won’t start?
They lock in, pour more effort into it, and keep pushing until they find a breakthrough.
But the motive under those efforts is usually DESPERATION.
We see all we stand to lose if our business goes belly up or if we can’t drive to the job site.
Being motivated by desperation can actually make you very productive in your business.
Your determination and effort will exceed most people when you have a lot on the line.
It can give you the energy to stay up until 1 A.M. putting a new starter in your truck or finishing a bid that needs to be submitted by tomorrow morning.
But desperation is one of the 2 mistakes that push your wife further away for a reason.
Brother, if you’ve been watching videos on “how to make your wife want you again” or “how to save your marriage” but nothing changes, you may be avoiding the root marriage issue.
Back in my landscaping days, we called adding quick curb appeal “Putting lipstick on the pig”
Spray-painting dead grass green.
Fake flowers.
A quick hedge trim.
Those things made a place look better fast, but it did nothing to address long-term issues the property suffered from.
But your wife won’t feel safe enough to open her heart to you.
She won’t tell you where she went last night; she doesn’t want to deal with your anxiety about it.
She’ll avoid being soft and affectionate with you; she doesn’t want to be your emotional tampon.
If your emotions stink, there’s a dead rat floating in the soup.
No amount of seasoning will make it appetizing.
You have to address the root marriage issue.
Insecurity seeps into your tone, your energy, and your reactions.
It makes you defensive, controlling, and judgmental.
You’ll talk more than you’ll listen.
Explain more than understand.
That’s the opposite of what the feminine craves…Leadership, stability, and a man who can lean in to hear her out without losing himself.
Labeling her as “crazy,” “a narcissist,” or saying, “You’re just like your mom” might feel powerful in the moment, but it’s a sign of feeling powerless.
Labels communicate that you need to put others down to feel strong.
It’s avoiding ownership instead of showing true confidence.
As a newlywed, the title, “How To Make Your Wife Love You Again,” never would’ve grabbed your attention. A few years, bills, and kids later, it can feel like the #1 issue in your life. This article uncovers two mindsets to change if you want genuine intimacy and attraction from your wife.
How To Make Your Wife Love You
Natural Love Vs Forced Love
You want to make your wife love you.
But you don’t want forced love.
You want natural love.
A girl who craves you all on her own.
Maybe you’re thinking, “Shouldn’tshe love me for who I am?”
Nope.
She doesn’t owe you anything.
Nobody does.
“But she vowed to be my wife! She promised!”
Doesn’t matter.
She can’t force herself to love you.
The sooner you drop the lies from society and fairy tales, the happier you’ll be!
Your happiness is KEY for her to feel natural desire for you again.
Your wife is a female, so she will always act on her FEELINGS.
Confused why that matters?
Because if your wife makes YOU feel unloved, unappreciated, and undesirable, you have an attraction problem, not a love problem.
Attraction is a FEELING.
Feelings are not created by fixing anything.
Your male brain doesn’t want to accept this as true.
Your brain has questions for her:
Why won’t you be affectionate?
Why won’t you have more sex with me?
Why won’t you respect me?
Why won’t you be sweet and romantic?
Why won’t you open up?
Solving the “why” problem won’t bring attraction back.
Funny how you would NEVER use all those “why” statements on a first date to come off as attractive.
Yet it’s your go-to when your partner pulls back.
For me, those “why” statements are how I sound when I’m responding from fear, anxiety, and insecurity.
Those are the deeper feelings we need to face within ourselves.
What helps is a new way of thinking about them.
Mindset shift #1: Realize things like affection, love, sex, and intimacy are things that ensue but cannot be pursued.
That means you can’t work on intimacy to improve intimacy.
You can’t work on attraction to have attraction.
Attraction is a natural result of how it feels to be around you.
Many dictators have demanded obedience and loyalty.
It’s a logical approach to force something to happen.
But the commitment of their followers is never fervent.
Leaders who ATTRACT their followers gain true loyalty.
Females are RESPONDERS to the vibe in the room.
Think of feminine love, affection, and desire like the moon.
Without a light source, there is no moonlight.
You are her light source.
You need to find your inner happiness if you want to make your wife love you again.
What do you love about yourself?
Are you showing yourself the priority, appreciation, and care that you would like from your wife?
It’s easy to think that helping with the dishes or doing more chores will make her feel attraction for you again.
But your partner isn’t drawn to your actions.
She is drawn to how you behave while you do those things.
We’re you looking for approval?
Did you do the dishes with strings attached?
Did you work hard all week, then expect to be rewarded with sex?
The vibe you put out while you’re doing these things is what she responds to, not the action itself!
This doesn’t mean you should stop unclogging the toilet or mowing the lawn.
Do those things for your OWN sense of integrity, no need for her to reciprocate.
She will sense when you stop doing things with a vibe of expectation towards her and start BEING a man who enjoys living up to his own standards he has for himself.
Make Your Wife Love You Again By Not Chasing Her
The most effective way to push a woman out of your life is to chase her.
I know you’re thinking, “I thought women want to be pursued.“?
This is true.
Women WANT to be pursued.
Give her that pursuit, and she loses the WANT.
Keeping her wanting is the secret to attraction!
You know what comes along with wanting? DESIRE.
Warning! This is one of those things you get to know as a man, but it will backfire if you share it with your wife.
In her emotional brain, it will never make sense to her.
Just ask yourself this: how often has placating to your wife’s perspectives helped your sex life?
Exactly.
Adjusting your responses to her whims gave you a friend-zoned, sexless marriage, didn’t it?
To make your wife love you again, you’ll need to trust in the principles of attraction.
Trying to align with her feminine perspectives has been lowering her attraction for you all along.
It’s time to let her experience a new you.
One who doesn’t need to make momma happy for him to be happy.
Needing Her Support Turns Her Off
Women are wired to show up to the finish line and feel ALIVE, celebrating with you in your accomplishments.
Hand-holding, support along the way, and being your emotional tampon during the race is a mothering role.
Your lover is not going to sign up for that.
Needing a mommy to support you won’t make your wife love you again; It just makes you feel like another kid to take care of.
The support and encouragement you need must come from men.
A lot of us sought mothering energy from our wives through sex!
We used sex to validate ourselves as being successful men.
We saw our ability to give her an orgasm as the feminine approval we desperately needed.
The more secure you get, the less you’ll need her validation.
That’s when her desire for intimacy grows.
Mindset shift #2: Stop holding others responsible for how you feel. Instead, take responsibility for the vibe you put out.
Knowing how to polarize your wife can dramatically improve your sex life. Many men have destroyed attraction with their wife or girlfriend by trying to make her happy. But organic attraction? It comes from polarity. This article gives two examples of how to polarize your wife without coming off like an asshole.
How To Polarize Women (The Secret To Attraction)
What Is Polarity?
If your marriage is sexless or the passion has faded, a lack of healthy polarity is many times at fault.
Polarity creates heat, a spark, and energy.
Walking across carpet charges you with positive ions.
Touch something that grounds you, and the charge is released with a SPARK.
Masculine is polarizing to feminine.
Have you ever put batteries into a flashlight backward?
The flashlight didn’t work, did it…
Installing flashlight batteries backward joins negative/negative and positive/positive, which equals no opposing forces of polarity.
Have you ever spent a day trying to fix the taillights on a trailer?
90% of trailer light issues are because the trailer lost GROUNDING to the truck.
Lights only work when they’re grounded!
Your wife’s attraction won’t be hot if you’re not her grounding rod.
By taking responsibility for your emotions (while letting her have her own), you’re remaining in your own “pole” – like a grounding rod.
Polarity is easy to understand when you see it in the context of political or egalitarian views.
Polarity isn’t about being disagreeable or stubborn.
It’s about staying relaxed in your truth, zone, frame, or pole, regardless of how others feel about it.
It’s the opposite of being a people pleaser or avoiding conflict.
How To Polarize Your Wife Again, Again, and Again
Even if you put batteries in a flashlight correctly, they lose charge over time.
For your wife, attraction is not a one-and-done event!
Each morning, she starts her day like a closed flower.
A clean slate.
A woman who is turned “off” in the sex department.
Her environment needs to feel safe, trustable, and relaxing for her to “bloom open” to feeling sexual and affectionate.
There are two thingswomen need to feel the passionate spark of polarity:
1. She needs to feel safe. She feels safe when you are secure, consistent, and relaxed with her emotions.
If you raise your voice, defend your intentions, or dismiss how she’s feeling as irrational,you won’t feel safe to her.
Being her calm grounding rod when she spins out is how she feels polarity.
There’s another kind of polarity she feels too…
2.She needs to embody a range of emotions. A woman feels fully “opened” when she feels both positive AND negative emotions within herself.
A polarizing male is a man who evokesboth positive emotions (like happiness,joy, excitement) AND negative emotions (like fear, sadness, and anxiety) from women
Knowing how to polarize your wife, again and again, means you know how to keep pushing the edge where you’re playing it safe.
Women get bored when everything is smooth sailing.
She wants to experience feelings that are new and fresh.
Why again and again?
For the same reason you want sex again and again.
How To Polarize Your Wife With Your Vibe
What I’m about to share can blow up in your face.
The actions you’re about to read are only effective for a man who has massive amounts of self-confidence, self-security, and is emotionally steady.
This is because your TONE, VIBE, and CHARISMA do all the polarizing, not the specific actions or words below.
If you’re not in a secure, happy place right now, tuck the knowledge you’re about to read away for future use.
After you’ve done more personal development around your sense of well-being, you can put these tips into practice.
In a dating scenario, start polarizing your woman by the end of the first date (or for sure by the 2nd).
You do this by flat-out disagreeing with something she says.
You don’t have to be a dick about it.
Simply state, “I don’t agree with you on that”.
In a long-term relationship, a neg like, “That dress does not look good on you babe, please go change” would be polarizing.
You’re showing STRENGTH by not losing your cool or trying to please her.
Think of polarizing like seasoning on a steak… too much ruins it!
You only need to polarize your wife once a month or so to keep things spicy.
Don’t even put it on the calendar!
The point is to have the kind of character that genuinely isn’t afraid of her emotions.
Creating Attractive Polarity
Here’s a paradox: you can’t attract women.
Say what??
Here’s why: She’s already into you (or not).
You POLARIZE women so those who are NOT attracted leave.
If a woman is not attracted to you, there’s nothing you can do to change that.
But if you’re like I was, you know deep down the kind of man you’ve been the last few years isn’t the real you.
Use every moment alone with her to try to “turn her on”
Does that sounds like you?
Then it’s time to get back to being your free, confident, happy self and discover if she’s attracted to that guy!
The crux of being a polarizing male is this: You show no fear of upsetting your partner.
BUT.
Yes, there’s a big BUT lol…
BUT, many men are already upsetting their wives, and this is NOT polarizing her.
There’s a big difference between a secure, confident, edgy man who isn’t afraid of his wife’s emotions vs a needy, desperate, insecure man who’s pissing his wife off.
My masculine confidence framework rewires your brain so you can consistently respond to chaotic feminine energy with a slight smile on your face.
For years, I tried to make women happy, and it left me in the friend zone with girls I loved and even a marriage that turned sexless.
It wasn’t until I let women off the hook for how I feel and faced my fear, insecurity, and sexual neediness that things turned around for me.
Ready to get off the bench and start making permanent changes to your masculine confidence and frame?
The men in my coaching programs blow me away with the progress they make!
Yesterday I was chatting with a client who’s nearing the end of my program.
He’s relaxed, thinking clearly, has a big grin on his face, and loves the romance he’s brought back into his life.
Your future is not dependent on what women think of you!
A switch that flipped for this man was taking responsibility to show himself the love he had been expecting from his wife for so many years.
He started making choices for his own well-being.
Women can’t help but be attracted to a man living life on his terms!
