If you want more fun, sexy desire, and passion in your relationship, you need to stop oversharing with your wife. Here’s why talking too much is drying up your wife’s panties.
Why You Need to Stop Oversharing With Your Wife
If you come home from work and vent every detail about your day, you’ll feel good getting it all off your chest.
But your wife can’t handle this without her mothering instincts kicking in.
When you feel like another kid to take care of, her desire to get naked and be ravished by you dies.
I never knew this.
For years, I would share my unfiltered thoughts with my wife.
I vented about my client who was a pain in the ass, the truck that wouldn’t start, and the shity weather.
I thought that’s what a deep connection looked like – getting it all out there.
I know what it’s like when your wife is turning into a person you hardly know, and when you try to step in, she says you’re being controlling. And it’s not just her sudden desire for tattoos that seems to be coming out of nowhere. It’s also her new friends, new choice in music, new outfits, and new coworker Steve that have you concerned. Let’s look at how you can hold your ground without being controlling.
She Says You’re Controlling, But What’s Your True Intention?
Alex was lying in bed when his wife climbed in beside him and asked a simple question.
“What would you think if I got a tattoo?”
He paused. It caught him off guard. He liked her the way she was. Natural. Untouched.
“I don’t know,” he said. “I like you how you are.”
She looked at him for a second, then added, “Not just a tattoo. I want full sleeves.”
Dam. He didn’t like that idea at all.
“No,” he said more firmly. “I don’t want that. I wouldn’t be happy if you did that.”
The energy shifted immediately when Alex made it very clear how displeased he would be if she got tattoos.
Over the next few weeks, something stayed off. She was colder. Shorter with him. Every time the topic came up, it turned into the same argument.
“You never let me do what I want.”
“It’s my body.”
“You’re controlling.”
Alex didn’t understand how it got here.
He wasn’t trying to control her; he thought he was being honest.
He thought she’d want to know what he was actually attracted to.
Instead, it just made things worse.
Then one night, lying in bed again, it escalated.
“I kind of have regrets,” she said.
He turned toward her. “What do you mean?”
“I shouldn’t have married you so young. I never got to live my life, I missed out on my college years, and I didn’t get to experience things.”
This felt like a punch to the chest.
How did their argument escalate from tattoos to her doubting her desire for him?
Alex had always seen their early years as something special. They grew up together. Built a life together. That was something he valued.
But now, it sounded like something she resented.
He didn’t know what to say.
Over the next few minutes, Alex explained his position.
He tried to help her understand where he was coming from and how wrong she was for thinking the way she was.
This only made his wife shut down even more.
There’s Nothing Wrong With Honesty, But What’s Your Attitude When You Deliver It?
There is a big difference between letting someone know where you stand versus trying to change someone so that you don’t have to feel uncomfortable.
A man who knows where he stands has clear standards and will gladly step out of someone’s life if they don’t share those standards.
It takes that level of security & detachment for a woman to respect you enough to want to abide by your standards.
It’s when you try to pressure her with how unhappy, unattracted, and displeased you would be if she goes against your wishes that she says you’re controlling.
She’s reacting to your tone and energy.
If she leaves the conversation feeling obligation, guilt, or pressure to comply, you can expect her to shut down and become more resistant.
What You Should Do If She Says You’re Controlling
There is always a grain of truth to what your wife says in her moments of emotional spewing.
Like looking into a mirror, her emotional attunement can help us see ourselves more clearly.
Her complaints are usually a cry for you to step up into who she knows you can be.
Like a test, she pushes against you to see how your attitude holds.
It’s a playful thing every woman does, but it turns into drama if you allow your feelings to take over.
A deep level of self-trust, clear values, and boundaries that you can live with a slight grin on your face is what changes everything.
It’s hard for her to hate your standards when you’re both laughing and having fun.
If trust or emotional connection is thin in your marriage, it’s going to feel uncomfortable when your wife stays out late with her friends. This article is for the man who finds himself lying awake in bed at 2:00 A.M, worried about why his wife still isn’t home.
Ben’s Wife Spent Most Weekends Out Late With Friends
Ben couldn’t sleep.
Each hour that passed added to his anxiety.
His wife had gone out with friends that evening, and by midnight, Ben was worried something was wrong.
He didn’t know where she was and had already sent a few texts.
“Hey, where are you?” “?” “???” No response.
Another message. Still nothing.
His mind starts racing. He feels it in his chest. Sleep isn’t happening tonight.
Then he hears a car pull up.
It’s not hers.
A few seconds later, the front door opens. It’s his wife. She came home in an Uber.
She walks straight to the bathroom. Ben follows her.
“Why were you out so late?”
She turns and pushes back. “Why do you have to be so controlling? I was just out with friends.”
Ben presses again. “Then why the Uber?”
“We were drinking. I didn’t want to drive.”
He leaves the room.
He feels better now that his wife is home, but it’s really bothering him that this has been happening weekend after weekend.
When Your Wife Stays Out Late With Friends, It’s For A Reason
When your wife stays out late with friends and shows no regard for how you feel about it, she is starting to resent the person she has become in the relationship.
She wants relief from everything the household demands of her.
Freedom to dream of a new or different life.
She feels that when she’s around people who don’t need something from her.
This is called the dissolutionment stage of a marriage that’s headed for divorce.
It’s moments like this, when you’re lying alone in bed at 2:00 A.M, that it’s really easy to take her actions personally.
But if you sit with your feelings, you’ll realize just how much of your sense of well-being has been orbiting around your wife the last few years, specifically in the sex department.
She has known it for years.
The pressure of needing to keep you happy and herself feels exhausting.
It’s feminine nature to seek escape, rather than try to fix the issue when she feels pressure.
That’s why telling her she can’t stay out late or that she always needs to answer your calls usually doesn’t land well with her in the dissolutionment stage.
All she smells in those demands is that you need HER to make your feelings better.
And that role is the EXACT thing she’s about ready to cut out of her life so she can feel like she can breathe again.
When Your Wife Stays Out Late, It’s Your Wake-Up Call
It can feel like your wife’s behaviour is causing all your suffering.
And I know a passionate romp under the sheets and sharing a coffee is probably all it would take for you to feel close again, but not for her.
For your wife, there is layer upon layer of things that have built up between you two over the years.
Slogging through it all in counseling or therapy is hardly ever a good idea when your marriage is in the dissolusionment stage.
The only path forward that can bring intimacy and closeness back is for you to rebuild your life into a version 2.0 that brings your spark back.
You have to become a man who stops trying to fix his wife or make her be someone different so that you can feel better in the relationship.
The only way to unplug from her being your main source of well-being is to find it within yourself.
Trust me, you haven’t lost it.
What happens is your thoughts become the clouds that block your internal sun.
Here’s Your Next Step
No amount of demanding, arguing, begging, or trying to rationalize with your wife is going to make her want to stay home in bed with you.
Playing the victim just gives her the ick.
There is an ENERGY a man brings to the relationship when he’s grounded, calm, deliberate, and happy.
If your wife stays out late, then you should be texting me, or the men in my community at 2:00 A.M., not her.
Start by reaching out.
We’ll have a Confidence Call over Zoom or phone, and I’ll show you how my Masculine Confidence Framework can help you become the man you need to be to lead your marriage back to love and intimacy.
When your relationship feels rocky, things like your wife’s guy friends will feel threatening to your marriage. Here’s a story to help you understand why trying to control your wife’s behaviours doesn’t fix the deeper issues that are eroding her respect for you.
It’s August.
Friday, 3:29 PM to be exact.
David gets home from work early for the first time in months.
His wife’s co-worker’s car is parked in his driveway.
Why was he over?
Something didn’t feel right.
David walks into his house.
He hears the TV on in the other room.
After setting his lunchbox down in the kitchen, he enters his bedroom.
David’s wife is shocked that he’s there.
“Why are you home so early? Get out! We’re watching a movie!” She shouts.
Seeing his wife and her coworker sitting on his bed watching a movie freezes him.
His blood runs cold, and his hands shake.
Part of David wants to strangle the other guy, kick him out, and demand answers.
But his wife’s guy friends have been a touchy topic in the past.
David goes back to his truck and leaves the property before he does something he regrets.
His gut feels like it’s been stabbed by a knife, and he wants to puke.
What did he just see, and what would be the right way to handle it?
In that moment, he felt something he didn’t expect.
He felt sorry for his wife.
Their relationship had become strained that summer.
He cried.
They hadn’t had sex in weeks.
He felt abandoned, betrayed, and missed the connection they used to have.
David became determined to get to the bottom of whatever was wrong in his marriage.
How David Tried To Fix His Marriage
David’s wife was waiting for him when he returned home.
She didn’t say anything about having her co-worker over.
When David brings it up, she flips it back on him.
“He’s just a friend, and we were just watching a movie, what’s your problem??” She defends.
But David wasn’t buying it.
“I don’t want you to ever have him over again, do you understand?” He replied.
“In fact, I don’t want you ever talking to him again, either.”
Setting the boundary felt good.
But David’s wife just rolled her eyes.
“Ok, fine, but I hate that you are so controlling,” she said.
What Happened To David’s Marriage
Fast forward a few months.
David’s wife told him that she didn’t love him anymore and that she needed space.
You don’t need to be married long before you start to notice sex to your wife means something different than it does to you. Here’s what you need to know if you want to keep your differences from creating frustration.
For Women, Sex Is A Place To Get To
This means sex is a natural extension for women when OTHER things have already built up for her.
She feels relaxed
She feels connected
She feels desired for what makes her unique
She feels safe
She feels an ENERGY between the two of you (polarity)
She needs to feel these things first before her body will soften to your touch.
For Men, Sex Is A Place To Come From
For men, our bodies aren’t even capable of feeling some things unless there’s sex, so that’s where we want to start.
Sex is what opens our hearts so that we can feel connected, close, bonded, affectionate, and caring.
A man won’t feel fully desired to his core by his wife unless he’s desired sexually by her.
Even the most brute, stone-cold man’s heart is softened by a woman’s affectionate sexual touch.
That’s why sex to your wife means something different – her heart is not softened by it like yours is.
Dare I say, your wife’s heart will harden if she has sex without feeling the desire first.
And for you, any anxiety or insecurity you feel about yourself will be amplified when sex is off the table.
Sex To Your Wife Means Something Different Because She Is Feminine
I ignored my wife’s voice for years when she used to complain about how I would go straight for sex, skipping the feelings she said she needed first.
I was convinced she would get in the mood once in the act.
I assumed she was like me, where sex would create the feelings we both wanted to feel together.
By the time you come to me asking how to stop feeling like a victim in your marriage, you’ve already taken a beating. Maybe not a physical beating, but an emotional one. It feels like your wife gets to act however she wants, but you’re supposed to watch your words. It’s like your feelings don’t matter, but hers are supposed to mean everything. You don’t want to be the victim, but every time you assert yourself, things get worse. Here’s how you become the creator of what you want instead of the victim of other people’s feelings.
How to Stop Feeling Like a Victim in Your Marriage When Everything Feels Against You
Most men believe their power to create what they want is in what they can do.
They can use their two hands to build things or their brain to solve problems.
But there is an advanced level of “creator” that you can become, where you are the creator of your reality.
Reality goes beyond what you can hold in your hands or smell with your nose.
You get to create the meaning those things have to you.
You get to give life events the connotation you want, as they happen.
Something like divorce or loss of child custody might seem like a 100% negative future.
But the future will only feel negative, hopeful, despairing, or interesting based on the narrative you give it in your mind.
It’s thestory running in your head about what’s happening that makes you feel like a victim or not.
Learning how to stop feeling like a victim in your marriage means noticing that narrative and how you always have the power to create a new narrative to give purpose to your suffering.
YOU are the one assigning meaning to the situation.
YOU get to create the future you want by exercising your power of CHOICE to create the meaning you give to life’s experiences.
Creation is the opposite of victimhood.
And it all starts with the label you choose to give your feelings.
How to Stop Feeling Like a Victim in Your Marriage by Taking Back Control of Your Responses
There’s a gap between what happens and how you respond to what happens.
That gap is everything.
One man faces rejection and stays grounded, curious, and steady.
Another man faces the same situation and collapses into panic, anger, or desperation.
The difference between these two men is that one is focusing on what’s in his control (his response) and the other is just reacting to it.
You can think, “This is happening to me,” Or “This is happening for me”.
That small shift changes you from feeling like a victim to feeling in control.
Your Next Step To Taking Back Control
You’ll learn in therapy that your dad might have been abusive or your mom didn’t love you, and that trauma is why you feel how you feel.
There’s some truth in that.
After you stub your toe, you’ll always hesitate around bedframes and corners.
But identifying your traumas gives you no clarity about how to create the life you want.
Your relationship with your thoughts is what we need to talk about.
You are creating your reality moment by moment based on the narrative you tell yourself.
My Masculine Confidence Framework helps you build a new relationship with your thoughts so that you no longer feel like a victim in life.
If you’re really in the pit of despair and are struggling with depression or grief, get my book on how to heal grief HERE.
Some men learn how to grow through hard times, and others break under it. So what sets these men apart from eachother? What if I told you it all comes down to the PURPOSE you give to suffering…
How to Grow Through Hard Times When Life Seems Against You
Two people can go through the same life event.
Divorce, bankruptcy, rejection, you name it.
One person dusts themselves off and keeps going while the other spirals into despair and never seems to recover.
The difference is that one person understands the purpose of suffering, the other person doesn’t.
Without resistance, you will never grow stronger.
Just look at how frail astronauts become when they spend time in space without gravity.
Look at what happens when trees don’t experience wind…The roots don’t grow deep enough to support the tree, and it falls over.
When you see that hard times are how the universe picks you to be the one who grows deeper roots, suffering is seen as a rite of passage, not a curse.
How to Grow Through Hard Times When You Feel Like You’re Losing Everything
There’s a point where life can suck so bad, it doesn’t feel like growth, it feels like loss.
Loss of what you love
Loss of your dreams
Loss of what you valued
But this is the exact moment that defines whether you become unshakeable by trusting the initiation process or become a wreck by focusing on things you can’t control.
No person has as much control over their life as they think.
You’re really just along for the ride as the pieces fall where they may.
When it feels like you’re losing everything, acceptance is the doorway back to wellbeing.
So is VALUING that life chose you to become greater by forcing you to grow deeper roots.
Your roots are deepened by simply expanding your capacity in hope, faith, trust, and knowing who you are.
And think about it.
Would you rather be on a plane where the pilot has successfully landed a plane with a bad engine before, or a pilot who’s new on the job?
People will want to be on your plane and trust you more when you are the man who learned how to grow through hard times.
Why Knowing Who You Are Is So Important Right Now
We’ve all formed a version of ourselves that we present to the world.
We do this hoping to gain a specific outcome.
It’s the personality you step into when trying to impress a hiring agent during a job interview
It’s the way you tell a story to your parents, hoping not to expose too much of your life that you know they don’t approve of
It’s the charm you try to exude on a date to get the girl
We know deep down that this mask is a facade, but over time, it becomes our identity.
Nothing fractures these false identities like suffering.
Whenever I record a video, I see an alter ego of myself kick in, trying to cover up the parts of my personality I hate to see on camera.
This is a mask that we ALL use… and it fails us when life flips upside down.
It leaves us feeling small, discarded, and alone.
Suffering forces us to shed these layers.
Pain helps us understand where our attempts to manipulate life have failed, and we’re bare, naked, and vulnerable just like everyone else.
It’s during these rock-bottom moments that our true selves are found.
You learn how to grow through hard times by letting go of old beliefs that no longer serve you and by getting clear on who you really are, so you can be THAT man going forward.
That’s what my coaching helps you with.
I help you see where your own thoughts are holding you back.
We uncover a version of yourself that is more aligned and doesn’t feel restricted.
You start to feel better, even if your situation hasn’t changed.
If you want help, book a free confidence call, and I’ll show you how the Masculine Confidence Framework is helping men all over become confident and sure of themselves even when life is going sideways.
A man recently asked me, “Should I stay or leave my marriage, when sex is gone, the connection is shallow, or I feel neglected/cheated on”? That’s a hard question a lot of men face. The answer is never simple or black and white. Your identity, your family, your future, and everything you’ve built is on the line. Before you make a decision, you need clarity on what you’re actually deciding.
Should I Stay or Leave My Marriage When It Feels This Hard?
There are seasons where marriage will be the hardest thing you’ve ever done.
The relationship calls for:
More patience
More leadership
More emotional control
…And you’re tapped out.
You’ll crave instant relief from pain.
But pain alone isn’t a signal to leave.
EVERY path comes with pain and suffering at some point.
Life demands a price for everything you want, but you get to choose how high a price you will pay.
You also need to know if what you’re investing in is leading somewhere you even want to go.
You want to know if the effort you’re putting in is aligned with the kind of marriage and life you want to create.
Without that clarity, you stay stuck in your head, circling the same thought: “Should I stay or leave my marriage?”
Hardship is easier to handle when you know it’s making way for the destination you want to arrive at.
Should I Stay or Leave My Marriage Based on How I Feel?
Your feelings will go up and down like the weather; they are highly unreliable.
You’ll feel inspired one day and burned out the next.
You’ll feel committed one moment and disconnected the next.
Feelings respond to your beliefs about stress, conflict, and uncertainty; they’re not designed to lead your life.
You need something more stable than feelings to make big choices.
A man with direction doesn’t let temporary emotions decide permanent outcomes.
He looks at the bigger picture.
He looks at the long-term vision he has for his life based on values and unshakable principles he trusts.
Feelings come and go, but your mission for your life is the map you hold yourself to.
Look At Your Past Patterns Before Deciding What To Do
Every man has a tendency to either hang on too long or jump too soon.
Which are you?
If you’re the man who trades his truck in the moment it makes a funny noise, your growth will be to lean into the uncomfortable edge of holding out a bit longer to fix things.
If you’re the man who keeps patching his truck back together years after you should have let it go to scrap, then your growth will be to lean into the uncomfortable edge of throwing in the towel sooner rather than later.
The edge of your discomfort is where your growth always happens.
Your life is the accumulation of your patterns built around your comfort levels.
It’s why your life feels like it’s on repeat sometimes.
Want a new life?
You’ll have to go past where you turned out before because of discomfort.
If you’ve been asking yourself, “Should I stay or leave my marriage?” your answer is often tied to this pattern more than the situation itself.
I’ll Help You Answer The Deeper Questions You Need to Face
This decision isn’t just about your marriage.
It’s about the kind of man you are and where you’re going in life.
What are you building?
What kind of man do you want to BE as you move towards that?
I’m sure you want to know how to be more direct in a relationship. I haven’t met a man yet who isn’t excited about being clearer and more sure of himself. But let me guess… when it’s time to speak your truth, you filter it first, saying it in a way you think the other person wants to hear it. This might work to some degree with most people, but it always blows up with your wife. Here’s why.
Why You Struggle to Be More Direct in a Relationship
Adjusting your truth based on your audience didn’t start in your marriage.
You learned this early.
Keep the peace…Don’t upset people…Say it the “right” way or you’ll get in trouble.
That’s the script you learned.
So now you run everything through that script before it comes out of your mouth.
When conflict triggers you more than others, your nervous system is holding onto some things from the past, memories you might not even remember. If your mouth goes dry when you try to stand up for yourself, or your hands shake when someone raises their voice, this article is for you.
How Your Nervous System Stores Emotional Memories
When we’re born, we don’t have emotional triggers.
A baby doesn’t know that a dog can bite or that hot things can burn.
But as life goes on, your brain stores emotional experiences.
Every painful event leaves an imprint on the nervous system.
Rejection
Humiliation
Betrayal
Conflict
Your brain remembers those moments because its job is to protect you from future harm.
So when a situation in the present resembles something painful from the past, your nervous system reacts as if the original threat is happening again.
I’ve watched men walk right into the middle of conflict and almost enjoy the challenge.
Part of me respects how they seem so fearless.
But for me, all it takes is blue lights in my rearview mirror and my palms sweat.
My nervous system equates “getting in trouble” with loss of basic human needs like support, understanding, love, and belonging.
And that loss would make anyone’s palms sweat.
Our triggers boil down to how love and belonging were gained (or lost) as a kid.
Conflict Triggers You More Than Others Because Love Was Conditional As A Child
Imagine a man whose wife cheated on him years ago.
Even if he has moved on logically, his nervous system may still associate intimacy with betrayal.
So when a new partner pulls away emotionally, his body reacts immediately because the old memory has been activated.
The subconscious doesn’t distinguish very well between:
Something happening now
Something that happened years ago
Between ages 1-5, your brain formed beliefs about how you gain or lose love.
Those beliefs live in your subconscious, so you might not even remember them.
But when your angry neighbor yells at you, and you feel your mouth go dry, you can bet your nerves remember.
It remembers the time your mom left you at Sunday school, and you cried, clinging to her leg because you were scared to be alone with strangers.
It remembers the time your dad yelled at you when you didn’t brush your teeth, or when he saw you having a bad day, but never asked if you were ok.
Now, conflict triggers you more than others because it doesn’t signal potential for understanding; it signals being stripped of the basic human needs for survival.
Facing Enemies
You can measure a person’s emotional maturity by how well they remain open to new perspectives when faced with opposing views.
Even if you disagree with a person, something good can be gained by working through your differences and finding a 3rd option you can both agree to.
That is, until you meet a malevolent person.
A malevolent person will intentionally exploit and abuse you for their own gain.
As a kid, you might have learned that flawless obedience regained the love you lost from your mom for not cleaning your room.
Or maybe you learned to fix what your father broke during his angry tirades to avoid a second angry tirade.
When this kid becomes an adult, he will default to people pleasing when he thinks he’s “in trouble”.
It’s like a knee-jerk response to befriend and stroke the ego of his opponent to stay in his favor.
This is very dangerous when your opponent is a malevolent person.
Evil people must be met with clear boundaries, lawyers, and guns, not your likable personality.
For your safety (and the ones you love), you need to resolve why conflict triggers you more than others to keep evil people in check.
Facing the Memory Instead of Avoiding It
You can revisit the original subconscious memory creating your feelings.
Ask yourself: “When did I first feel this feeling?”
Your subconscious can’t speak in words; it uses images.
A picture flashes in your mind, or a recurring dream points you to the first encounter.
Ask yourself: “What did I need in that moment but didn’t get?”
Maybe you needed strength
Maybe you needed someone to stand up for you.
Maybe you needed reassurance that you were worthy and respected.
Your subconscious often reveals exactly what was missing.
That thing you needed (that didn’t happen) is exactly what you need to be creating in your life today as an adult.
Reintegrating the Parts of Yourself That Were Left Behind
Trauma often leaves part of a person psychologically frozen in a past experience.
Healing involves bringing that part of yourself back into the present that was disowned.
That version who could have spoken up, stood up, or fought back – but didn’t.
There are 3 ways to reintegrate that part of yourself:
Relive the past experience in your imagination, being who you wish you had been
Journal the traumatic event from your past, but change the story to provide what you needed most
Start being NOW who you wish you had been, but not from negative emotion or reaction – be that person with awareness and love
When journaling or using your imagination, you have to FEEL the new story for it to sink into your subconscious.
If you needed Batman to step in and save you from your father’s beating, then FEEL how it would be to get saved from your dad by Batman.
Remember, your subconscious stores whatever you put in it, even if you change the narrative, so long as it’s mixed with strong FEELINGS.
And that narrative is where your feelings come from when conflict triggers you more than others.
As this reintegration happens, something interesting occurs.
The same situations that once triggered overwhelming reactions begin to lose their power.
That’s because your nervous system no longer feels trapped in the past.
Becoming Emotionally Unshakeable
Every man eventually faces betrayal, rejection, or loss.
Nothing in life lasts forever.
If you don’t learn the integration process, your list of triggers grows through the years until you are carrying around a heavy bag of them.
Nobody can set that bag down for you.
People can’t stop sucking because conflict triggers you more than others.
Not even your parents can give you what you need because your beliefs live in YOU, not them.
Guided meditations helped me a lot to rewire how my brain thinks about rejection, conflict, and emotions.
I’ve recorded a few meditations based on what worked for me; click HERE to get them.
